coping with ..

Im trying to recognize and understand a debilitating feature that i experience but am struggling with it majorly since my .. personality.. is unable to stay still..

I over analyze everything trying to get every last drip of information out of every instance...
Which isnt the problem i think, im highly empathetic and insightful...

But thoughts, judgements, ideas, descriptions of me, from others is something that is destroying growth currently...

Its not so much what others think about me. Its more of that everyone could be right on any judgement with me... as i seem to be so many different people...
And thats what hurts me, not feeling whole, feeling fraudulent, fake, as if other people know more about me than i do, that it demonstrates how little i know who i am, and shows how little control over who i am that i have..

How do i accept that this all is me..? To accept that its ok to be like this and people dont hate me or judge me negatively for having a deformed personality..?

I fear socializing now for the fear of being called out... crossing paths with 2 contradicting type people that pull out an unfamiliar inside of me causing confrontation or drama ..


All i want at the end of the day is to sleep easy having had no issues through the day but if i cant figure this out my isolation will just be the only relief it seems...

Whatever this is called seems to be what causes me not to beable to hold a job... is it paranoia?

Im excellent in the beginning before people know me, work hard, focused, inspired. Then people start trying to ascociate with me and get closer and i become terrified?
As if i am being investigated to challenge if i am what i am presenting as, as my front may be too good to be true?

I do have a very complicated life... possibly it could be called a double life?

I am trying hard on the outside to do things right and be legit, but also underneath is the old one that self medicates and ascociates with the shadows of society?

Feel as if i may be one of only the few that are "awake" to the shenanigans all around... seeing the REAL world while everyone else focuses on themself and the life trap of work eat sleep repeat...

I see a much bigger deeper picture.
I see peoples fears, desires... i see operations being carried out on many different levels of society...
I see the ones behind the smoke and mirrors and also the ones pulling the strings...

I am overwhelmed by so much information...
I dont have vyvanse again which seems to make it more challenging...



Once my ex therapist said that i compartmentalize heavily.. but i am not so sure of that any more? As i cant seem to keep it together ... how can i create a safe compartment that i can lock and maintain just for work? So that when i am at work nothing else comes out and when i leave work i dont have a meltdown?



Also do anyone know of jobs that i would be able to work on a forklift all day, pull materials and unload/load trucks and manage warehouse ..?
I had the forklift job the longest and enjoyed it... just became too much when the heat hit and i started breaking down

Im afraid of screwing up another new friendship
im really into her and she's always been nice but i have this feeling inside that just keeps repeating things... such as its always like this in the beginning, we will become better friends and something will happen to make her not want to talk or see me again...


Im terrified of her because im trying to ignore it and be cool but so afraid that it will happen any minute..?

She knows im into her but im not trying to be overwhelming or smothering and trying hard to focus on the goals .. car, job, house . Its just so much nicer and enjoyable with a nice person to stand with me


Sigh, just trying to be prepared for if it does happen with her too... i dont understand why do i keep trying? or even care at this point?

Arent i supposed to become numb and less bothered by these things happening?

Yet i crave companionship

No, it won’t happen as long as you let yourself show who you are, better said, as long as you get to overcome the fear to show up as you are. I know it’s not easy but it’s worthy. Only the way you express yourself and the things you write, is already a value itself. If only you could see a little of this.

Yeah... like..
I know im a good guy, nice guy, kind guy, fun, optimistic, supportive, creative, random as hell

everyone always loves me and my company until i screw it up by getting paranoid? Or scared.. or whatever happens to my brain to make me go from not caring to caring too much


Just feels like constantly need to be reasured .. uggh..


But