[AzulOscuro]

I would like to think that I was a good person. A caring person. I’m not a bad person either, ok? The fact that I don’t like some things from myself, it doesn’t make me think that I’m a bad person either. Only one who is too much worried about everything . I don’t want to hurt anyone, much less, people who are important for me. Of course, I don’t get to avoid hurting. Everyone makes mistakes I know, but I do it more frequently because of my insecurities.
And now, at the top of it, I noticed that I’m unable to forgive. I sometimes feel
have a great wish to understand and give credit to the other person so much that I think I can forgive, much more, in my case, being so sensitive and often interpreting neutral comments as an attack or an insult. (I know it’s not fair for the other person).
What if I am wrong and jump into wrong conclusions). I run away from that possibility as hell.
But, there’s another part of me who often keeps resentment. It happens to me with many people, even my own siblings.
It’s said that if you don’t forget, you never get to truly forgive. I can’t leave
the past behind.
What can I do, how to overcome this?
It’s very difficult to go on a relation with someone as before, once I felt attacked (imaginary or really attacked).
It’s like a beast from my subconscious. I want to do things right and deepen in my relations with people I care, but this beast hits my head with memory and it’s like a barrier for me to be cold and keep an emotional and sometimes physical distance with the person.
It’s like a fight against my own contradictory thoughts. I guess it’s the typical devaluation/ idealization process. I see both poles wrong and I hate to be unable to find some kind of balance.

Do you ever get to overcome this issue of doubts, devaluation/idealization dichotomy. And how?

Yes, it is possible to get past this. I have. If you read my story you may understand. It will take a lot of hard work. It will not happen overnight. But if you take the time to work through this it will do wonders for your mind and body.

If you would like to talk feel free to contact me...

[Unforgiven1]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I would like to think that I was a good person. A caring person. I’m not a bad person either, ok? The fact that I don’t like some things from myself, it doesn’t make me think that I’m a bad person either. Only one who is too much worried about everything . I don’t want to hurt anyone, much less, people who are important for me. Of course, I don’t get to avoid hurting. Everyone makes mistakes I know, but I do it more frequently because of my insecurities.
And now, at the top of it, I noticed that I’m unable to forgive. I sometimes feel
have a great wish to understand and give credit to the other person so much that I think I can forgive, much more, in my case, being so sensitive and often interpreting neutral comments as an attack or an insult. (I know it’s not fair for the other person).
What if I am wrong and jump into wrong conclusions). I run away from that possibility as hell.
But, there’s another part of me who often keeps resentment. It happens to me with many people, even my own siblings.
It’s said that if you don’t forget, you never get to truly forgive. I can’t leave
the past behind.
What can I do, how to overcome this?
It’s very difficult to go on a relation with someone as before, once I felt attacked (imaginary or really attacked).
It’s like a beast from my subconscious. I want to do things right and deepen in my relations with people I care, but this beast hits my head with memory and it’s like a barrier for me to be cold and keep an emotional and sometimes physical distance with the person.
It’s like a fight against my own contradictory thoughts. I guess it’s the typical devaluation/ idealization process. I see both poles wrong and I hate to be unable to find some kind of balance.

Do you ever get to overcome this issue of doubts, devaluation/idealization dichotomy. And how?

This is were I differ from most bpds. I just stop caring about those people who do this. Most of my family tries to hurt me by telling me how much of a failure I am, how hated I am etc etc. I simply become psychopathic and quit caring and only hurt them with my words and then they are stunned by my evilness to the point they are scared of me. Then it starts all over again

[sarahsweets]

The question is do you want to forgive....like really really want to? Sometimes we think we do but in reality we still want to hold on to resentments because we are almost comforted by them. Almost like we do not know what it is to not have them. The other thing is, in order to forgive people we must forgive ourselves and we are not always ready to do that.

[KD1980]

I think it depends on what the other person did. Some things are unforgivable.

I don't know what exactly happened in your situation. What I do know is that it's possible to not forgive and still make peace with what happened.

I haven't forgiven my abusers, so I know what you mean. I did make peace with what happened.

[AzulOscuro]

I want to thank you all for your imput. I need a time to think about what you have said on case I could ask or go deeper.

I dont forgive. I have tried. I have wanted to. I have even claimed to. However when it comes to seriously being hurt, I never forgive and I will always carry it with me. Eventually it gets put in the back of my mind, but I never forget.

I have come to accept that that is how I am and I'm okay with it. If it affected my daily life, I might be more inclined to change it. Instead I cut contact with people I cant forgive and I move forward.

We will never forget. That is a mental certainty. But without forgiveness on some level, we will always be haunted by the past and the longterm damage this will cause can/will destroy us.

[Unforgiven1]

I have the words " no forgiveness" tattooed at the top of my back. It's my number 1 rule of life. If you betray me in any sort of way I will turn my back on you and not give you another chance to hurt me. I've had to turn my back on a lot of people who wronged me in the past.

I understand but that is truly sad...

[FriendlyJoe]

I don't forgive and I'm fine with it. There's a time in everyone's life where it's best to just move on. I have no need to waste my time on a POS person.

You can feel good without the need to forgive those that hurt you. I keep in mind that everyone is different and that's just who they are. If you think back to those people that were the dicks and *****es in high school and met them later in life you'd see they haven't changed much personality wise. I don't hate them but actually feel sorry for them. I have no need to forgive a person for hurting me but instead I pity them.

Can everyone be like me and should live by my standard? No. It's just my personality and I've learned what works best in dealing with certain issues.

My advice to you, take it all in and try what works best for you. Remember that everyone is unique and has their own methods of how they live.

I know my personality does cause others to be on their toes but that's who I am. I empower all types of personalities at work. I don't expect everyone to be able to do their tasks my way or by the way the person did before them.

I'm not perfect but I'm making it. At 38 I'm still alive. Could I still improve? Yes and why I joined this group.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by CallMeRaven

Yes, it is possible to get past this. I have. If you read my story you may understand. It will take a lot of hard work. It will not happen overnight. But if you take the time to work through this it will do wonders for your mind and body.

If you would like to talk feel free to contact me...

I need to know what causes prevent me from forgiving, why I can’t do it. When it happens, under which circumstances and so on.
Then, I will feel very lucky to be able to talk about this issue with you.
Sure, you can give me some insight since you got it. :-)
Thank you!

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

The question is do you want to forgive....like really really want to? Sometimes we think we do but in reality we still want to hold on to resentments because we are almost comforted by them. Almost like we do not know what it is to not have them. The other thing is, in order to forgive people we must forgive ourselves and we are not always ready to do that.

Good questions as always, Sarah.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Unforgiven1

This is were I differ from most bpds. I just stop caring about those people who do this. Most of my family tries to hurt me by telling me how much of a failure I am, how hated I am etc etc. I simply become psychopathic and quit caring and only hurt them with my words and then they are stunned by my evilness to the point they are scared of me. Then it starts all over again

I see. It could be a totally emotional closure if it’s possible. Denial is part of bpd, many times subconscious deny any feelings to avoid being hurt again.
I point it out as a possibility. I’m not you.

Consider also that the probabilities that a bpd meets another exact type of person are not very high.

You know, tattoos could be modified by expert tattooist, if you need it.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by KD1980

I think it depends on what the other person did. Some things are unforgivable.

I don't know what exactly happened in your situation. What I do know is that it's possible to not forgive and still make peace with what happened.

I haven't forgiven my abusers, so I know what you mean. I did make peace with what happened.

I don’t think in your case of abusers, they can be forgotten. Maybe, try to forgive them for what they did. My god! There are people who only know to abuse others, punish others for whatever they think it’s fair in their head.
I hope you feel yourself a surviver and not a victim. Maybe, in this example, forgiveness might only consist in that. Being a surviver with your head up.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by FriendlyJoe

I don't forgive and I'm fine with it. There's a time in everyone's life where it's best to just move on. I have no need to waste my time on a POS person.

You can feel good without the need to forgive those that hurt you. I keep in mind that everyone is different and that's just who they are. If you think back to those people that were the dicks and *****es in high school and met them later in life you'd see they haven't changed much personality wise. I don't hate them but actually feel sorry for them. I have no need to forgive a person for hurting me but instead I pity them.

Can everyone be like me and should live by my standard? No. It's just my personality and I've learned what works best in dealing with certain issues.

My advice to you, take it all in and try what works best for you. Remember that everyone is unique and has their own methods of how they live.

I know my personality does cause others to be on their toes but that's who I am. I empower all types of personalities at work. I don't expect everyone to be able to do their tasks my way or by the way the person did before them.

I'm not perfect but I'm making it. At 38 I'm still alive. Could I still improve? Yes and why I joined this group.

Pity them when they hurt you is kind of compassion. Somehow, you forgave. Only you chosed it wasn’t worthy to test again or give another chance. You are in your right. It’s said forgiveness is more for ourselves than for the other person. The forgetting thing is not so easy. It could be only a warning sign.

Yes, thanks for telling, the best is that a person does what it’s more sane for her, my only problem is that many times I see myself attacked, or hurt, or alude bc of my own insecurities. I mean, this is more within the paranoia field. That’s my concern.

[Mopey]

In a book I read about a horrible murder the author concludes that forgiveness, if any, will be up to the injured party. No one else, in his view, has that right.

[Unforgiven1]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I see. It could be a totally emotional closure if it’s possible. Denial is part of bpd, many times subconscious deny any feelings to avoid being hurt again.
I point it out as a possibility. I’m not you.

Consider also that the probabilities that a bpd meets another exact type of person are not very high.

You know, tattoos could be modified by expert tattooist, if you need it.

I will try to be more clear, I basically "split" and become a very mean person once I feel betrayal by a person I once trusted. I shouldn't have said psychopathic, there are people whom I can still go 90% of the way and scare the bejeezus out of them, but physical harm isn't going to happen. Its a scare tactic I use. Why would I want to change my tattoo? I know I'm not perfect but I believe too many people think they can get away with betraying anyone they call a friend,brother,sister. If anyone wants to call me by one of those terms they had better live up to their end of the bargain. I reward loyalty with even more
Kindness and loyalty. Plain and simple, I give more than I take

[AzulOscuro]

I see your point. Being betrayed is not easy and much less if it’s from someone who is supposed to have strong bonds with you.
I understood you very bad bc I interpret that you weren’t able to forgive anything. Betrayal is a major word. In my case, it’s hard for me even forget a lack of sensitivity or lack of consideration. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t pretend to world revolves around me. I aspire to have my place. Only that. An equal place to the rest of people and I know my complex of inferiority always made me feel behind any person.
I’m trying to deal with it in a healthy way and understand how much this feeling of inferiority exists only in my mind.

[Unforgiven1]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I see your point. Being betrayed is not easy and much less if it’s from someone who is supposed to have strong bonds with you.
I understood you very bad bc I interpret that you weren’t able to forgive anything. Betrayal is a major word. In my case, it’s hard for me even forget a lack of sensitivity or lack of consideration. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t pretend to world revolves around me. I aspire to have my place. Only that. An equal place to the rest of people and I know my complex of inferiority always made me feel behind any person.
I’m trying to deal with it in a healthy way and understand how much this feeling of inferiority exists only in my mind.

I don't know why but I can't let this go, why should I change my tattoo?