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GoldenSnitch
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 06:30 PM
  #1
Tw... self harm
X
X
X
X
I sit here on a leave from work in self-destruct mode. I’ve been cutting again after going nearly 7 months without. I have a bottle of wine with my name on it and I’m thinking about how I can hurt myself. I can’t tell anyone because nobody gets it and I’d freak them out. I feel nothing and yet I feel everything so deeply it hurts. My thoughts are racing so fast I can’t keep up. I’m seeing pdoc Friday to fill out a form so that I can get disability pay from work and he forgot one of my meds when I saw him Monday so I’m going to run out and have withdrawals. I’m afraid work thinks I’m faking it. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone. Nobody will come to my funeral. Nobody will miss me. I have nothing of value to offer anyone. I looked up a dbt program that’s about 45 minutes from me and I’ll have to take out a small mortgage to pay for it. I’m already stressed about money. I spend impulsively and my credit card is out of control. I hate my job and the thought of going back to work brings on a panic attack. I want to go back to school but I don’t know how I’ll pay for it. My house is a disaster because I haven’t gotten out of bed in 3 weeks. I don’t remember the last time I washed my hair. I’m a sh***y parent because I can’t even be around my daughter because I don’t want her to see me like this. She’s going to look back on her life and remember mommy always being sick and in the hospital and sleeping. Except I can’t sleep now. I haven’t slept in 4 nights. I just lie awake or if I happen to doze off for a few I have a nightmare and can’t get back to sleep.

I’m so sick of living like this.

Thank you to anyone who read all of that rambling. I just needed to get it out.
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downandlonely
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #2
Hi GoldenSnitch. I'm sorry things are so bad right now. The fact that you haven't slept in 4 nights could be a big contributor to how you're feeling. If you're not safe, maybe you should consider going inpatient.
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 07:07 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Hi GoldenSnitch. I'm sorry things are so bad right now. The fact that you haven't slept in 4 nights could be a big contributor to how you're feeling. If you're not safe, maybe you should consider going inpatient.


I’m considering inpatient
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 11:21 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenSnitch View Post
Tw... self harm
X
X
X
X
I sit here on a leave from work in self-destruct mode. I’ve been cutting again after going nearly 7 months without. I have a bottle of wine with my name on it and I’m thinking about how I can hurt myself. I can’t tell anyone because nobody gets it and I’d freak them out. I feel nothing and yet I feel everything so deeply it hurts. My thoughts are racing so fast I can’t keep up. I’m seeing pdoc Friday to fill out a form so that I can get disability pay from work and he forgot one of my meds when I saw him Monday so I’m going to run out and have withdrawals. I’m afraid work thinks I’m faking it. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone. Nobody will come to my funeral. Nobody will miss me. I have nothing of value to offer anyone. I looked up a dbt program that’s about 45 minutes from me and I’ll have to take out a small mortgage to pay for it. I’m already stressed about money. I spend impulsively and my credit card is out of control. I hate my job and the thought of going back to work brings on a panic attack. I want to go back to school but I don’t know how I’ll pay for it. My house is a disaster because I haven’t gotten out of bed in 3 weeks. I don’t remember the last time I washed my hair. I’m a sh***y parent because I can’t even be around my daughter because I don’t want her to see me like this. She’s going to look back on her life and remember mommy always being sick and in the hospital and sleeping. Except I can’t sleep now. I haven’t slept in 4 nights. I just lie awake or if I happen to doze off for a few I have a nightmare and can’t get back to sleep.

I’m so sick of living like this.

Thank you to anyone who read all of that rambling. I just needed to get it out.
First of all, get your meds handled. Withdrawal is no joke. Pharmacies can usually give you an emergency supply (3 days or so) to make sure you can last until you get your refill. Some meds it's not allowed though; if that's the case you can let your doctor's office know that you're going to run out and they can probably push the refill through before your appointment. I know it's hard to deal with that stuff when you're feeling this way, but you don't want things to get worse.

If going inpatient is an option for you and you feel it would be helpful, go for it. There are times when I could probably use it but it's not possible for me. If you decide not to do let your doc know how much you're struggling so they can help you as much as they're able.

I wish I had some advice for you about cutting. I used to do it in high school but I stopped a long time ago, and I don't really remember what motivated me to quit. I do know that it took a long time for the urges to go away, it was definitely harder at first like any addiction. But they will if you can stick with it. My mental issues are worse than they ever were when I cut, but my brain doesn't think of it as an option any more. Early on I got a tattoo over my scars, as a deterrent because I didn't want to ruin the tattoo. That did help a bit.

If you talk to your pdoc or anyone else about it make sure they understand the difference between cutting and a suicide attempt. Hopefully mental health professionals will know that. I had the cops called on me once when someone saw, and that's the last thing you want to deal with right now.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

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Current meds: Lamictal, Cymbalta, Welbutrin, Ambien
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