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Old 03-09-2019, 01:20 PM #1
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Question BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Each day, I fear that I have done something wrong. There is a nagging fear that my partner will leave me.

Until recently, I wasn't able to admit that my partner could do his own thing: I wasn't as in control as I thought. Even more so, I can't see past the fact that I am not a burden on my boyfriend. It feels bad to write this, but I often wonder why he stays with me. To me, it seems that people will eventually get tired of me.

I am beginning to deal with this well. Very well compared to where I've been.

I was wondering if anyone struggled with abandonment fears. I feel like a terrible person for having them. Why can't I be like everyone else?

I was wondering if there was anyone else on this forum with Borderline Personality Disorder. How have your romantic relationships been?
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Old 03-09-2019, 02:32 PM #2
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

I have never experienced this, Anatta, but I understand how you feel It's not easy when you're struggling like this. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with you and that your boyfriend loves you. You just need to work on yourself a little bit. Sometimes our mind can play tricks on us. But just because you think something is true it doesn't mean it is! Please remember that. Take care of yourself. You're a wonderful person and you deserve to be helped and to be loved. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
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Old 03-09-2019, 07:45 PM #3
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

I've never been diagnosed with BPD but I never feel good enough, and constantly feel like my boyfriend is going to find someone better. I have the total fear of abandonment. I'm understanding in life is that everybody leaves. My family left, my ex's left, most of my friends left... you see what I mean. I just thought I'd chime I.n and let you know you are not alone in your feelings..
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Old 03-12-2019, 01:38 PM #4
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

i feel the same way... every time i do something "wrong" im sure this is the time hes gonna leave. i beat myself up mentally all the time and have convinced myself that i will die alone in a gutter (im on disability and am afraid i will just die from poverty)
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:40 PM #5
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

I relate to both of you, Calypso and callingforthesun.

Right now, things are really bad. I feel like I am going insane as I am going through a benzo withdrawal.

I'm honest with my boyfriend, but my honesty turns into an accusatory nature. I have to watch my thoughts and what I say... But not too much...
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:40 PM #6
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I have never experienced this, Anatta, but I understand how you feel It's not easy when you're struggling like this. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with you and that your boyfriend loves you. You just need to work on yourself a little bit. Sometimes our mind can play tricks on us. But just because you think something is true it doesn't mean it is! Please remember that. Take care of yourself. You're a wonderful person and you deserve to be helped and to be loved. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
Thank you!
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Old 03-13-2019, 07:38 PM #7
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Anatta, when I read your post I just had to respond. I am the partner of someone with BPD. He suffers from severe abandonment issues and we have been working on this extensively lately. Whenever anything irritates me or I express an interest in an activity that doesn't include him, he becomes dissociated and detached which then leads to the abandonment spiral.

I just want to reassure you and everyone else out there, that abandonment issues are a very real thing and that as a couple you CAN work through them together. I have to constantly reassure my husband that I am here and committed and always willing to hear his feelings - that is MY JOB as his partner. His job is to be honest about how he is feeling - my job is to make sure that he understands that I am not going anywhere and that we BOTH have space for our feelings and needs.

It's a tough road - this abandonment thing. I have had to become understanding in ways that I did not know I had within me. Love is inspiring in it's own right, though, and you can find it with honest communication - I truly believe that. All the best to you!!!
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:08 AM #8
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Quote:
Originally Posted by MotherHen View Post
Anatta, when I read your post I just had to respond. I am the partner of someone with BPD. He suffers from severe abandonment issues and we have been working on this extensively lately. Whenever anything irritates me or I express an interest in an activity that doesn't include him, he becomes dissociated and detached which then leads to the abandonment spiral.

I just want to reassure you and everyone else out there, that abandonment issues are a very real thing and that as a couple you CAN work through them together. I have to constantly reassure my husband that I am here and committed and always willing to hear his feelings - that is MY JOB as his partner. His job is to be honest about how he is feeling - my job is to make sure that he understands that I am not going anywhere and that we BOTH have space for our feelings and needs.

It's a tough road - this abandonment thing. I have had to become understanding in ways that I did not know I had within me. Love is inspiring in it's own right, though, and you can find it with honest communication - I truly believe that. All the best to you!!!
Don’t forget about your own needs either so you will be stronger for him and yourself. And it’s very important that he does also his part.
Thanks for being so understanding.
The truth is that replies like yours, makes one feels grateful to a part of people. :-)
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:22 AM #9
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Anatta, I only want to tell you that I do understand you. It’s part of this disorder believing that you are gonna be abandoned, and that when this happens, you are not gonna be able to survive. All are mind’s tricks. I know you and everyone can feel sadness and grief bc of a loss. It’s normal. But you are a whole person. You don’t need anyone. You are lucky to share your life with your partner. Enjoy it.
I know fears are hard to avoid but try it. With therapy, your own research and such. But try it.
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Old 03-14-2019, 11:44 AM #10
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Default Re: BPD and Me: Abadonment Fears

Quote:
Originally Posted by MotherHen View Post
Anatta, when I read your post I just had to respond. I am the partner of someone with BPD. He suffers from severe abandonment issues and we have been working on this extensively lately. Whenever anything irritates me or I express an interest in an activity that doesn't include him, he becomes dissociated and detached which then leads to the abandonment spiral.

I just want to reassure you and everyone else out there, that abandonment issues are a very real thing and that as a couple you CAN work through them together. I have to constantly reassure my husband that I am here and committed and always willing to hear his feelings - that is MY JOB as his partner. His job is to be honest about how he is feeling - my job is to make sure that he understands that I am not going anywhere and that we BOTH have space for our feelings and needs.

It's a tough road - this abandonment thing. I have had to become understanding in ways that I did not know I had within me. Love is inspiring in it's own right, though, and you can find it with honest communication - I truly believe that. All the best to you!!!
What a touching and inspiring post! Thank you so much for sharing! I'll give my boyfriend a hug now
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“Live or die, but don't poison everything.”
-Anne Sexton

“If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts, happiness follows them like a never-departing shadow.” - The Buddha
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