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Misfit Toy
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Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: On The Island, USA
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Default Apr 07, 2019 at 02:44 PM
  #1
When I am triggered, I "split". My husband gets the worst of it. One moment, he is someone I respect and cherish, and the next he has terrible intensions and is looking for a way to "get" me. When my mind goes that way, it seems absolutely real. It can last for an hour or several days. There is usually a fight about some perceived slight or imagined wrong. He reacts to my crazy behavior, and the misunderstanding turns into a screaming match. Once I come back to my "true" mind, I am so ashamed of how I treated him. I have cussed him, threatened him, and stormed out during these times. Many times, I don't remember much about it, as I dissociate when I am highly stressed.

We are both making some progress. I am in therapy and working on DBT skills and trying to express my feelings before they build to the point of explosion. He doesn't hold on to the fights or throw them in my face, though I know they hurt his feelings. He believes I have BPD and C-PTSD, which helps a lot. He has learned some things to help when I dissociate and some PTSD techniques to shorten the episodes. He knows I am trying and I am improving. The splitting episodes don't last as long as they used to. When I was younger, I could spend a week building up to a fight, and the shame afterwards could last weeks. Now the whole process lasts minutes or hours. Before I knew I had BPD and C-PTSD from growing up with a narcissist father and a BPD mother, I thought I was just evil and no good. Now at least I know what it is and am getting some help for it.

Does anyone else experience this? I am just now starting to understand why I act the way I do. Reading back over what I just wrote is sad. I have fought with this most of my life, hating myself for something that I don't have control of. All I can do is keep trying. I don't want to hurt the person who means the most to me, but that seems to be what happens. I am very blessed we are still together after 30 years of this. Maybe if I keep going, I can beat this. It is better than it once was. I am hopeful most of the time, except when I am in the dark place. I am glad I found this forum. It helps to share and read about others who are in the same position.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #2
Yes, definitely a BPD trait. My boyfriend is pretty good at ignoring me when I get like that - but I'm also getting better at just avoiding him until I calm down. Not living together is helpful; when we move in I think we'll have to establish some kind of protocol so I can have my space until I get over it.

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