controlled chaos or uncontrolled respite?

I know like all of my post seem like im always pessimistic?
But really im very neautral..?

Im working hard to figure life out.. but every step forward seems things get more chaotic
like .. im growing? And i know its not an easy process but its kinda feeling unbearable like my mind is going to snap and i loze the rest of myself..? Forever..?

Im not taking the effexor or gabapentin any more either.. been off it for a month or three..
And i dont really want to take it any more.. cause i want to fix myself and my brain and life...
And feel like if i dont do it off the meds i will just have to relearn after i stabilize and get muy life together.. which would cause probably a set back and breakdown......

So best to learn without it ?

Since seemingly its not a chemical imbalance as much as my emotional reactions to the world? [Not including my substance use which probably does imbalance my chemicals? Which i feel like its a whole nother book personally .. ]

Im struggling bad though... and im at a loss for what to do. im struggling to find a manageable job... struggling to maintain my personality... struggling to relate with myself... i am not human at this point, this is not nnormal or even sustainable!

Im so tired of being multiple people.. with opposing life styles and dreams... counter active coping strategies that just make the others worse.....

I just want to be me!! A whole person. A United person that doesnt have all this inside of me.. that can process all my feelings and not feel like im just a product of my environment... nothing but a bag of frozen emotional reactions that are actively being utilized for every single interaction i have with my surroundings...

Why cant i just be fully aware of myself completely and always?

Why is my memory so damaged that i forget whole parts of myself during these reactionary type things? Its not fair and makes everything so much harder!
Its painful... self medicating seems logical 🤔 but tis only a short term bandage for a rather long term open infected wound uhhg
But i digress...

I feel like im getting ready to have another "psych break" or meltdown because I'm not able to get my fragmented self to function within this society. All i want is stability, safety, and to be independent and self sustainable.


They say i am really high functioning but that doesnt pay bills or feed me or give me shelter... perhaps my mind is just so broken that to function at all equates to high functioning?


I dont even remember the point i was shooting for in this post.. but maybe i just needs to get this out and tell someone outside of myself...

I just dont know what im going to do or how things can change unless this problem in my brain is fixed 🙁
This thought frightens me .. and i feel a response inside that is very angry and like would be content just doing things "the wrong way"? Anarchistic?

An isolated part that if i give in to may result in this last sane bit of me dying..?

A precipice... point of no return?

Causing catastrophic and immediate life change in every area.. does that make sense?

But i am not this person nor do i want to be 😭
I just want love, peace, happiness, to have fun and enjoy the beauty in life helping everyone i pass along the journey..

I dont even want to drink out use drugs or even smoke cigs, would like to be vegetarian again and find success the legal legit way!


But i seem to be against myself so often .. not intentionally but just.. unaware until i come back.. left with those nasty tastes of shame and fear and confusion!


Is it normal for people to feel a certain way about things during a moment only to shift environment and the whole shebang change to..? And to feel confused and disappointed and.. ugh at loss for words on whats happening to me and.. blah blah

sorry, im going to stop writing now.

This is making me feel bad .. i dont think anyone can understand me anyway 🙁
I try hard to be understood but im forever and always lost lonely and missunderstood...

I just wish 1 person could totally understand and maybe help me...
Help me understand and give me inspiration and hope .. because it's getting bad and i think im really scared...
I dont want to die... i just want to be ok 😭 i dunno what im going to do... i dunno how this can be fixed or improve...

So scarey losing ones own mind... and living with such chaoticly violently different personality types inside one body that is supposed to be all me... but that are not seeming to cooperate.. and wanting to do things different ways... but i guess all with the s9me goal in mind.. security, self preservation...



I am really starting to wonder if I'll succeed or if my succession will be my last day alive .. if it be by my hands or through dumb actions i may someday succumb to tying to make me happy...

My mind is melting 😭

If i can figure out how to pay for the gas i may try to start them group meetings soon... would like to start next week just to be around others struggling like me but i have no idea how im going to manage that with the way my mind is behaving

the bad thing is, i will probably forget i posted this .. forget all these thoughts and ideas .. forget that i even feel sepperated and boxed up inside, thinking that im fine and that im not in parts and that im doing really well 😖
Such is the nature of my memory problem....


I wish it would all just stop and leave me alone in peace


Thanks for letting me vent, i honestly and sincerely want to fix these things..

I've been through alot just with tying to figure myself out and now since I've stopped three research in the DSM its just tying to finish me off - i am losing control and i dont have faith that myself will be so dedicated to the future and well being...



I think im terrified... but i just feel pain and doomed, in a content manner... such as this is the way my life is and will be 😔

I hate that feeling of doom. I wish I had good advice on it.

I get this strong feeling of impending doom, occasionally, it is terrifying. Especially because the feeling is so strong yet I do not know what will happen.

For me, it is a sign if psychosis. I talked myself down from it yesterday. Maybe this will help? I tell myself: “I know I do not feel ‘OK’” right now - but things ARE OK.

Basically I validate my feelings but reality-test. I learned how to do this over time.

I only have one safe person, but them saying the above helps so much. A hug is a huge bonus.

I find your posts introspective and very interesting. You have a special ability to express yourself through writing.

hugs

Things are not ok...
Also i dont think im ok?
But its not allowed, i have to be ok?
And i guess im ok
but im really not...

Its getting harder to talk, feels like conduits closing ...

Separations growing larger..?



(Resuming)

My head is spinning... taken 2 days to get this far on this post..
Im feeling disorientated. I'm so confused.. just about everything?


Like fighting to stay focused, but keep losing focus and following some one else' focus...? And it is killing me cause i am so tired, exhausted, i dont even know what my focus is any more besides focusing on focusing? Like.. when you draw blank memories... but i dont even know what is happening at all right now 😖
Just im trying to hide or and lay low till tomorrow so i can try to reach my case manager... just hoping i dont lose myself from now till 8am..


I cant handle much longer of this..

This one seems so much more... stronger.. persistent... im going to fail...