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Old 04-22-2019, 07:58 AM #1
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Trig Exhausted

Hello everyone.
I have no diagnosis so I prefer to post here.


I'm almost seventeen years old, and I have a boyfriend to support me. I have already post on the forum but my English is bad and my thoughts are messy. I'm tired and feel more and more violent against others: I don't want to be violent but I'm very scared. Sometimes my bf says that I'm a hedgehog, that I protect myself at the slightest danger. At times, I feel strangely superior and stronger than others, I insult them so much I feel powerful. I want to apologize, and I can have calm discussions, but a the slightest problem I get out of control.
If I don't scream, I dissociate and I'm empty, sometimes I bleed.
For a few months now I've been afraid of abandonment and my only friend is paying for it now. I don't even know if he wants to be my friend anymore. I can blackmail my bf until I talk to my suicide. And when I'm in deep anger, I can say horrible things and I know where to hurt him. Now everyone sees me as a monster, even when I try to explain myself – I'm a monster I think.
My bf is perfect, sometimes he's my angel; sometimes I see him as the Devil who wants to hurt me, I don't know why. And my emotions are unbearable and never grey.



In fact I'm lost.
I have many other problems, I know I'm unbearable. And I have no courage to write it all down. I'm afraid I'll be killed. I think monsters will kill me. It takes me a while to fall asleep sometimes. My motivation stinks of ****. I get very bored some days, I color to beat that – yes, like a child. When I dissociate I hurt my hands. Whatever.


I'm sorry if I'm not in the right place, if I don't write enough, if I'm boring, if I'm horrible.
I need help so much but I don't know where to start. My social relationships are smoke.

Last edited by bluekoi; 04-22-2019 at 07:25 PM. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:10 PM #2
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You wrote you need help but don't know where to start. My personal thinking would be to perhaps start by seeing a mental health therapist or a counselor of some sort. I see you list yourself as being in Europe. I don't know what mental health services are available to you where you live or how they are provided. Seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist may be other options. (Where I live, though, all most psychiatrists do is to prescribe & monitor psych med's and I at least would not want to start there.)

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't suggest what your diagnosis might be. But some of what you wrote sounds to me like what I associate with borderline personality disorder. Here's a link to DocJohn's article, from PC's archives, on the subject of BPD along with an article on living with BPD & a BPD quiz you can take:

Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Quiz | Psych Central

You may also want to take some of the other quizzes & tests that are on offer here on PC. Here's a link to the listing of quizzes & tests that are available, just in case you haven't already found it:

Psychological Quizzes and Tests

My best wishes to you...
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Old 04-22-2019, 03:27 PM #3
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Tank you for your answer! To be honest, I've done a lot of tests for the borderline personality disorder. I talk a lot with my boyfriend about all this, and he's the one who offers to talk about it. Unfortunately when we talk about it together, I deny the possibility of having something. So why am I here? Because I think a lot to question myself.
I'm almost seventeen years old and I don't know if that's the age I can maybe have a mental disorder, or something like that.


I did the tests, even the Sanity Score. 92- borderline traits. The other personality disorders tests say 100% that I'm borderline. I know that tests are not sources that give real answers, that I need to see a professional. I'm young, will it pass? Or is it urgent? I wonder a lot about these questions and I don't know which one to take. I lose everything, I'm so confused. It's hard in my head to tell myself that I need help. Some days I feel ”good” (every day I feel like I'm dissociating even a little bit), then I have a huge fall of anger, emptiness, crisis, fears, blood.
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Old 04-22-2019, 04:29 PM #4
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I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Abyssanctum! I completely agree with what Skeezyks hars already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest you to listen to him as much as you can if you want to! He always gives SUCH GREAT ADVICE to EVERYONE like in this case! If you feel like you may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, the only way to know for sure is to talk to a doctor about this and see how it goes from there! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you! You DO deserve to get better and to feel good! You deserve to live an happy, fulfilling life just like everyone else does! You DESERVE ALL OF WHAT I'VE JUST SAID and MUCH, MUCH MORE THAN THAT! If the online tests you're taking all point to you possibly suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder it is DEFINITELY something worth looking into! Online tests aren't completely reliable but they CAN offer some indications and suggestions! Yes, you can soffer from Borderline Personality Disorder or any other MI even at a young age! In fact they usually develop at a young age wieh you're a child or a teenager! Please try to get as much help as you can and to reach out to a professional as soon as you can! Borderline Personality Disorder can definitely get WORSE if it goes untreated! Please do this for yourself! It IS your own health we're talking about after all and you DO deserve to get help! You WILL feel better at some point if you try to get help! I'm really happy that you have a support system IRL, but I feel like the help of a professional may be NECESSARY! Please do consider it as much and as soon as you can! YOU DESERVE TO GET BETTER and YOU WILL GET BETTER! Just try to do your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that WE can do to HELP YOU OUT! We'll ALL be VERY HAPPY to help you! Just mention it and we'll do EVERYTHING we can to help you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! Please keep us updated as much as you possibly CAN! We DO want to know how things will go for you and if you'll feel better and what you'll decide to do! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! WE ALL LOVE YOU! Feel free to VENT and WRITE as much as you NEED TO and WANT TO! WE'LL NEVER JUDGE YOU! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you're going through ALL OF THIS! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserves to suffer AT ALL, certainly not such a CARING, KIND, GENEROUS , GENTLE , STRONG, WISE and WONDERFUL person like YOU ARE! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I hope things will get better SOON for you! Please NEVER give up hope! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Abyssanctum!
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Old 04-23-2019, 07:14 AM #5
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I confess I read your messages last night without answering directly because I cried with joy and I'm tired. That's so many nice things that I don't feel worthy to read what you write.


I can't understand how I can look so immature when everything was fine before. I got so angry with someone, thinking I could dictate their life; but I didn't. I received a lot of criticism, I was violently belittled. I'm almost a liar in the eyes of others, while I try to deal with the problems I have been going through for months. I do everything to be fine and respectful, as mature as possible, but I don't know how to handle several pieces of information, just one without letting go. It looks like I'm five years old, while I'm just suffocating in my brain.


I know that my uneasiness isn't an excuse, but I make an effort when I'm under 18 years of age and without psychological or psychiatric follow-up. I'm hurt that people who love psychology hurt me so much. I'm not a murderer or the Devil, am I?
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