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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#1
Possible trigger:
BPD and depression are like totally triggered at the moment .. but since I have "psychotic depression" - I am not even sure if the psychosis is from the BPD or the depression. I just know its back. Not as bad as it used to be though. So far it's just flickering images or bugs that don't really freak me out much. It used to be people.. goblin type creatures .. and once, a full scene (my whole view changed). The people and creatures used to talk to me to degrade me .. make me feel bad about myself - except there was one .. that just glared at me. But like I said - for now, this .. is just flickering images or bugs. So I am thankful for that but still wish it would go away. I know my BPD is full on again though bc I cannot control the black n white thinking. I used to have that under complete control. Didn't even have to think about it anymore. I am back to the abandonment issues everytime my husband leaves the house, even just to get something out of the car - I freak out. But then there is the suicidal ideation - could be depression, PTSD, anxiety, BPD. Even getting urges to SI back (haven't done that in about 10yrs)... again ... no idea which one that is. Anxiety is full on again too, had a major attack today. The only one that is not full on (yet) is PTSD. How do I differentiate which is which? How do I regain control (can't find a counselor currently)? I am soo confused and really having difficulty getting answers... really going crazy bc of that too - havd 0 patience, turns to self hatred when nobody responds... ugh ... everything I had controlled is coming unwound 🙁🙁🙁 __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Anonymous40127, Fuzzybear, mountainstream, stahrgeyzer, StripedTapir, TishaBuv, Unrigged64072835
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Wisest Elder Ever
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#2
Crypts
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#3
__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
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Location: Cave.
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#4
Quote:
I think many here do care. My post in this forum has no replies. I think this forum is very quiet at the moment As for in real life.. it sure seems that not many care, __________________ |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#5
__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2008
Location: N/A
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#6
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Member
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: On The Island, USA
Posts: 64
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#7
I have a lot of the same symptoms. They get all mixed up into one neurotic hot mess. The only blessing is that, even though it feels like forever, most of the time the BPD episodes pass pretty quickly. If I can keep my mouth shut, I don't piss too many people off. When I can't be still and quiet, I have the self-loathing, regret, and depression to deal with. CPTSD creates times when I can't think for myself, and I am running around like a maniac. I have had some success with my husband using methods for helping PTSD sufferers. Not going into a blackout and dissociating is horrible itself, because ALL the feelings engulf me at once and I feel like I am in a hole or a warp or something. But at least I don't do harm to myself or others, physically or verbally. I don't know where one disorder ends and another begins, but I know I have more than one. Hugs and support. MT
__________________ King Moonraiser: A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#8
I care, crypts. Some ‘loved ones’ don’t really care. You can get some caring wherever you can find it.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#9
Quote:
But then - there are times if someone says or does the wrong thing - I hate myself and/or life n want to die (again, not my normal self). So .. it's all confusing to me. I've never had the anger issues before. __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#10
__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Member
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: On The Island, USA
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#11
I have always had anger issues. I have been told that depression is anger turned inward, so maybe it is just spilling over. Whenever I am really stressed, I get irritable and moody. I also get angry at hypocrites and narcissists. Anger is an emotion I avoided for years, yet I would explode after putting up with crap and trying to be "nice". I am still too nice. Would love to be a little more "mean", or at least tougher. I get run over a lot.
__________________ King Moonraiser: A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind, stahrgeyzer
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#12
Quote:
I think the difference is - my last counselor taught me to stand up for myself bc I was being abused. (Not in a physical way - but in an emotional way). As in - not caring about what others said - not even showing an outward sign of it, but instead speaking my mind, without using hate .. now though, I have lost control - so that hate is included n honestly sometimes I dont care that it is. I told my counselor back then it caused me anger and it scared me. She asked which was better - the anger or the fear. I said I didn't know - the anger I guess, bc at least it puts me in control .. shortly after she ended our sessions. So .. I never really learned much about the anger n I have always been a very laid back n gentle, empathetic, understanding person - that would let ppl get away with a lot bc I understood their issues bc I had been thru them. Now .. I get angry. It scares me bc its not who I am n never has been - she literally changed me. Does that make sense? __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Misfit Toy
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Member Since Mar 2019
Location: On The Island, USA
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#13
Anger is not all bad. Like you said, it puts you in control. Anger is a protection, when not abused. I was so screwy about emotions, I had to carry a "feeling wheel" around when I first started therapy to even identify what I was feeling. Not that I am recommending staying angry, but feeling anger is natural. I read Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling". It gave me permission to feel ALL the feelings, like pity for myself, and anger at those that hurt me. Having permission to feel kept me from having to act out on them. Processing anger means feeling it fully, then letting it go. Healthy process of feelings = better adjusted me. I am by far not the best at it, nor would I say I knew a lot about this, but my experience is that it works for me when I am able to do it.
You make perfect sense. This is new. New is scary. Scary sucks. I don't think anything is wrong with you at this point. I think what you do with the anger will determine if it is going to be a problem or not. I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. Not a fun emotion. I would rather deal with elated or willing or secure, but that ain't my luck. By the way, sorry your therapist quit on you in the middle of such a tough issue. __________________ King Moonraiser: A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
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#14
It was 2yrs ago she quit on me. I have been able to control my emotions since then - and been me (for the most part - only diff was if someone intentionally tried to hurt me, i came at them all guns blazing ... but still in a non-hateful tone) - now I'm all out of whack again but when my anger comes up, I don't care.
__________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Nowhere noteworthy.
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#15
Disclaimer: I am not capable of empathy (Narcissist here, my little sister has BPD so I lurk here often). I am not incapable of kindness and compassion, however.
I know what it's like when everything in your mind goes haywire all at once. I have a very malignant shade of NPD, HPD, PTSD, some kind of dissociative disorder or schizophrenia (they can't tell which one it is). I've had times when all of that has gone off at once and good ****, it was always a nightmare and I couldn't tell which was which either. It all blurred together. It sucks, and that is an understatement. I know how much torment it can cause when everything hits you all at once like this. But, I also sincerely think the world is a better place with you in it. I've seen you around before. You're not a bad person. I've seen how you speak to others, and I also see that you have a lot of "fight" in you. Do not give up. You can win this war. You may not win all of the battles, but I can see that you can win the war one day. |
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 2,609 hugs
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#16
Quote:
Thank you for your kind words. Actually kind of brought tears to my eyes bc it touched me. Thank you too for saying I am not a bad person. I feel that way often (that I am, I mean). I even hear it in differing verbiage. I would not say I have fight - as much as it is "just let it be - eventually this will get better - just find a way to cope til then" type attitude. In other words, I'm not trying to "make it all better" but neither am I "packing up and giving in" - though sometimes I REALLY want to. That said, I am very honored you see me as being that strong. I think it comes from the knowledge I escaped it for 2yrs after having been in it for 30yrs - so I know no matter how futile it seems, hope is always alive n well. ❤ I know BPD can be controlled well (some say cured - I say that's a load of malarkey, lol) .. since both BPD and NPD are personality disorders - can NPD also be controlled well if taught how to do so? I have PTSD myself - which was recently disturbed by a dream I had which corrected a detail of a memory .. a detail which makes a huge difference n sent me in a spin. I had it under control for the most part til then. How is yours? HPD I have read a bit on but don't know a lot about. I know it varies from BPD in a few ways. If you would like to talk to me about it or anything sometime I would be open to a PM from you. You seem very genuine and nice. ❤ I dissociated a lot due to my psychotic depression/PTSD/BPD mix at times - especially when I was first dx. They put me on all sorts of antipsychotics for it. Nothing helped. Some made me worse. I did research. Found essential oils. Those have helped me most with that. Thank you for replying and for your kindness. ❤ I apologize if I gave advice or stuck my nose where it was not wanted or needed. I do that sometimes. I just really like helping ppl but sometimes they either do not want or need the help n I misread or misinterpret or just overstep. You are very kind. Thank you. __________________ Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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Atypical_Disaster
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