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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 06:37 AM
  #1
I have been in the wrong forums all along and I knew it. I was told I had bi-polar 2, but recently went to a perinatal-psychiatrist who said nope, it seems more Borderline. She explained what it is, what the stigma associated with it is. I am a mess needless. I am 15 weeks pregnant, and had to go back on my meds. I tried to go off them for the baby, I lasted through the 1st trimester and then a few disturbing outbursts/crisises caused me to realize I need them. So I started on 1/2 25mg Lamictal (I used to take lamictal plus lexapro, im tryting to take as little as possible but I was doing really well on that combo). I was feeling OK-ish on the half dose, but I am also currently not really working much. I left my very stressful job, am working home now for my Dad, my goal/dream is to freelance or find something I actually enjoy doing 2x week.

But I went up to the full 25mg pill and I feel worse for some reason. I have been 2 days in a crisis w/ my husband b/c he dared to bring up me going back to work. It completely flipped me out, still does. I am terrified of finding another sh!tty job. I can't deal with crap bosses anymore. I even felt so desperate to look up if I qualify for disability benefits :/ apparently I make too much with my part time job to qualify. My last job my Dr gave me a note saying I had to leave immediately so I was hoping I might be able to supplement some $. I am supposed to make a certain amount in agreement with my husband and right now I am making about half that.

Anyway, I can vent in the career section. I just want to say being re-diagnosed has thrown me for a loop. My husband I know is trying to help but lately has made things worse for me when he says things. It makes me feel like a sucker to the disorder. Not to mention, being pregnant and all of those ups and downs. I was just really starting to enjoy my life, we had just gotten home from a few week trip to Europe, I was going to settle in, we are having a gender reveal party soon, and after that was going to pick up steam on the work front. But apparently that was all news to hubby, and he got mad b/c I apparently assumed he knew my plan or something like that.

I hate the fights, and anger and rage and crying. I feel exhausted, im scared/worried if my baby is OK. I am angry at my husband for pushing me into this place in my head. At a time I need him to be there and be super understanding, he is being distant and unhelpful, I feel judged by him and like a failure to him all b/c I can't get a job. I know I can get a job, I have skills and all, it will just make my life even more miserable. Im in a panic state, yet I just want to curl up in bed, yet I am resenting that I can't just be happy today and prepare for my party like I had planned and work for my dad on my own damn terms. Why can't things just work out!!!!

Anyway, thanks for listening. The only reassuring thing I read about BPD recently is it gets better with age, where as I believe bi-polar gets worse. So maybe there is hope I will be a more mellow happier old lady.

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Dx:
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Rx:
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“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”
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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 08:29 AM
  #2
I hope your husband can learn to be more supportive with you now. It’s completely understandable for you to minimize your stress in order to take care of yourself and your baby.

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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 02:44 PM
  #3
I was still in the process of going off meds when I got pregnant with my first. I had terrible morning sickness, was still dealing with medication discontinuation symptoms (from SSRIs) and went off ADHD meds. It was hard...that’s an understatement. I almost got fired because of my “moods” but mostly because a co-worker grossly exaggerated a bit of a fit I had and two of 3 bosses believed her.

I worried a lot about my baby because I was very stressed when I thought I’d lose my job. I was depressed a lot, my moods were horrible. I probably should have stayed on meds, but I was i to month 5 of tapering off them when I got pregnant and just didn’t want to go back on them (I experience extremely bad withdrawal. My daughter was born healthy and is almost 3 and is very healthy.

My second pregnancy was better, but got hard at the end as I had twins. I moved when I was pregnant too and the stress almost did me in. I just started shutting down. I couldn’t handle anything.

Are you going to do DBT? It could help a lot, it helped me a lot.
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Default Jun 21, 2019 at 08:59 PM
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:35 AM
  #5
Thanks all. It was a bad day. (streak). I am still not great, but Im trying. I am really sensitive to my hubby, we even got into it a little bit yesterday and I think he feels I am leaning too much on my "diagnosis" as an excuse for certain behaviors. Im not sure why he is so un-empathetic. He claims if he is mis treated, he is not inclined to go out of his way and has a hard time understanding when I act negatively towards him b/c he might also be sensitive to the way I treat him. Its a bit of a difficult time. Today we have to see a genetic counselor b/c of a mild mutation I have (which I knew about). Tomorrow I go back to the perinatal-psychiatrist. He seems to think that b/c I am home more now it is triggering my behavior. He doesn't understand that there is NO WAY I could be in a stressful job which is what would be necessary at my needed pay rate in my condition. It annoys me that he makes me feel like im being "weak". Something to bring up to my Dr tomorrow and maybe how to address w/ my hubby. You would think he would be supportive of whatever I need to do to get by out of love. He seems to think (he is German, work is very important to him) that in order to be of importance, once must have some kind of job/career. Its really stressful, especially b/c I am working. We had a few rough patches like these before- and the way he holds onto his feelings freaks me out and doesn't help me heal or make progress. But then I worry am I being too selfish, putting too much of the pressure and financial burden on him. My mom and sister are both stay at home moms (or were), so maybe it is just in my mindset that this is ultimately what I want to do. I likely will want to stay home as much as I can w/ the little one. I feel like a good talk under calmer circumstances is needed w/ my hubby. I certainly don't need him stressing me out more, but isn't that what BPD is all about- us taking all these things too much to heart and over reacting as if its the end of the world? Sometimes, this is the way I feel. I have gone back on my meds so that him and I, as well as myself, feel better. I just HOPE the baby doesn't suffer too much as a result. I was reassured that since I was un-medicated for the 1st Trimester, which is the vital time of organ development etc, that it will be ok. I have been feeling a bit "useless" lately. Even planning the gender reveal party- which gets me super duper excited and I love to invest myself in crafts and making decorations and games, etc, feels like he is totally annoyed by my passion for this. Says things like other people find this so over the top/ridiculous. But why does he say that to me? It just brings me down. Could he be jealous of the baby. I don't understand. I hope it gets better soon. I like when my household is harmonious and happy.

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Dx:
BP 2 &/or BPD
Rx:
Lamictal 100mg


“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.”
― Richard Bach

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 07:45 AM
  #6
All your thoughts on this seem very accurate to me! I stand with you and send a grrrrrrrr to your h and psy! Yes, he can be jealous of the attention the baby gets.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSprings View Post
I am really sensitive to my hubby, we even got into it a little bit yesterday and I think he feels I am leaning too much on my "diagnosis" as an excuse for certain behaviors. Im not sure why he is so un-empathetic....

He seems to think that b/c I am home more now it is triggering my behavior. He doesn't understand that there is NO WAY I could be in a stressful job which is what would be necessary at my needed pay rate in my condition.

I certainly don't need him stressing me out more, but isn't that what BPD is all about- us taking all these things too much to heart and over reacting as if its the end of the world? Sometimes, this is the way I feel. I have gone back on my meds so that him and I, as well as myself, feel better. I just HOPE the baby doesn't suffer too much as a result. I was reassured that since I was un-medicated for the 1st Trimester, which is the vital time of organ development etc, that it will be ok. I have been feeling a bit "useless" lately.
Your husband may just be arguing for what suits him not what is best for you and your baby.

I very much believe that childcare/daycare isn't that good for children until they are at least two. Once they are two or three, then it can be good when it's a quality preschool. If the mother needs to work when children are very young IMO it is best if their is an arrangement such as a grandparent helping so the child will develop a secure attachment, have one on one care, be taken care of by someone who is not coming and going (different people). I feel for mothers who must work when their children are babies. So I support your POV that now is not the time to get a high stress job!

Watch for if you husband uses guilt to control you. I find that I can tell better if people in my family are using guilt to get their way when I am on my anxiety medications--I wonder if I would even need medications if there weren't people in my life willing to take advantage of my once trusting nature. If your husband is "guilting" you -- he will eventually guilt your child. Then your child may eventually learn to be just as manipultive or eventually be manipulated as an adult. You say you want harmony--he knows this and may ensure that things won't be harmonious unless you "give."

In the US, many times, childcare is so expensive when children are young that it makes sense to downsize (sell a car, get rid of cable, etc.) and live off one income until our children are preschool age. When I have worked full time jobs that I have to commute to, I am spending money on gas, laundrey (I hate ironing), eating out more, etc. so sometimes the gains you get having two incomes mostly pay off later (if you are putting money in a 401K, etc.).

Sorry this whole thing is causing anxiety for you. My children still cause me anxiety (I worry about them) and they are in their 20s. You are doing the best you can. You may find yourself later wondering if -- because I did such and such--did it cause.... You deserve to enjoy your baby and your life so try not to worry too much about taking medications--let your doctor's worry about this. When our children present with certain things later--only God knows for sure why. All we can do is try our best everyday. No parent is perfect. You are going to be a very caring mother--that I am sure of!!!!
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