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Member Since Jun 2015
Location: USA East Coast
Posts: 217
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#1
Hello, I am 24 weeks along in my pregnancy. It has not been easy. I had to leave my job early on due to stress. I tried to cold turkey it without any meds, but unfortunately that failed. Now I am dealing with a lot of crap. They still don't know if I am BPD or Bipolar2 or both or something on that spectrum. All I DO know is right now I'm struggling. And I feel unsupported with my husband even though he thinks he is being supportive. And perhaps he is and im blinded by the hormones and the issues and needing to up my meds.
Before pregnancy I was on Lamictal (200 mg) + Lexapro (10 mg) and feeling pretty good. Now, I am back on 100 mg of Lamictal which seemed to be going well until recently. My peri-natal psych said I might need to go up more b/c when pregnant you get bigger and you also metabolize the meds faster. Which I don't want to because of side effects to my baby. Im trying really hard to tough it out, which is not easy. I was triggered last night. My husband went away over night for work, like he has to do sometimes, and I thought I was OK while he was gone, but when he came home I was tired and angry and we fought and it escalated to screaming, crying and fighting for a while. Then today I woke up and I couldn't feel my baby moving and freaked out, and went to Dr to get an Ultrasound. (he is OK thank god). I can't have this kind of $hit happening at my stage and its going to get worse, im going to get bigger in 3rd trimester. Meanwhile, I am dealing w/ the struggles of working from home, being alone all the time, (yet weirdly scared to be with people), trying to add things to my schedule but not so much that I get triggered w/ Anxiety, recently moved to a new place, having complications in my pregnancy and physical discomforts and then the regular stuff in life. Does it sound like I simply need to up my meds and do more frequent therapy? (oh and I have a new therapist, my old one went on maternity leave). She gave me some goals to try to do some exposure therapy ie: go to coffee shop by myself, join a new moms group in town. These things give me a lot of anxiety. I made a friend on a facebook group in my town, and we were supposed to meet today, but ended up not b/c of my needing the ultra sound. I feel a bit like damaged goods lately. I want to give my son the best possible start at a great life with a great amazing mom and dad to support him. Im just nervous. My husband can be quite understanding at times, but he's all about equal rights and responsibility. ie: he can't just make the $$ I need to help too. He wants me to be a mom and to only go back to working part-time after baby is 1, which means putting him in daycare at 1 yo part time, which im coming around to (feeling a bit like I don't have a choice to be honest). When I tried to explain to my husband I might want to stay home, he thought there is no way that can happen and put a stop to it. So, I went and got a job and part of me thinks its to please him, but fortunately for me its a work from home job and optional in office time with a lady who is a new mom herself, so she understands and is willing to work a flexible schedule. I don't know where on this earth I fit in. I feel like a huge misfit and I am almost 40 years old having my first baby. I am very happy about that, it is giving me so much hope and happiness. I tried to explain to my husband I am feeling depressed. I don't understand why but I am not getting the answers from him I would expect to. I don't know why. He is more focused on how we can fix that then even considering that it could be him or us. The second I say that, he freaks out b/c im blaming him. Im going on a rant now. So, if anyone has any insights, I am feeling so alone right now. Like I could be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. I don't know what to do. thank you. __________________ Dx: BP 2 &/or BPD Rx: Lamictal 100mg “There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.” ― Richard Bach |
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Member Since Dec 2018
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#2
@SilverSprings:
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I hope I have been helpful. My heart goes out to you. SO many people that are not women, or mom's to be have an opinion on what you SHOULD be doing. As if its that black and white. You need loving support and I personally think your husband is lacking in this department. I just wanted to validate your feelings because they matter just as much as everything else in your life matters. XXXOOO __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Member
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: USA East Coast
Posts: 217
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#3
Thank you very much. I had therapy today and we talked all about the recent fight w/ my husband. She had a few great suggestions. He and I have talked since, he claims not to feel heard at times, as do i. Something we are going to do is schedule a time once / week where we have a relationship check in.
About the baby and the job. I think he is terrified of being the sole provider and I don't think we can afford him to be the only one working. His expectations on me are not huge. He would like me to pitch in. Like recently I left a job that was too stressful, he was completely understanding of it, and said if I could get to the point where I feel better (mentally) it would be great if I can work 20 hrs/ week. I have a job working at home doing my dads books. so that seems to be good enough for him. However, I am the one who has been really lonely, bored and unsatisfied. Not sure if its the pregnancy hormones, the loneliness, the Previa I had/have, the meds change, living in a new town and not knowing many people... So, really I don't know if being home 100% is for me I don't think its good for me TBH. The good news is- and I should have elaborated on - I did a lot of work looking for the right job, super close, super flexible etc. I think I found it! Its a local firm, they are starting me working at home, and then I will take off 6 months after baby is born. I will then start working from home again, for the next 6 months, and then if I feel ready, at 12 months I might go in 2-3 days / week and I would find a daycare that is super close by. The lady who hired me is younger then me and has a kid and wants more. So, she seems to understand my need for flexibility so I hope I like it. However, if baby is not doing well, if it doesn't make sense financially, if I am not ok with it mentally, you bet I will be telling my hubby this is not working. I already started reading reviews and researching places. It does break my heart thinking of putting a 1 year old in day care, but it would be part time. Likely 2x week maybe for the first year, many women I know put their kids in way sooner which to me is crazy. Then the rest of the time I would have him home with me. Or maybe I would find an at-home helper to allow me to work home but have some assistance. It would really all depend. But I am quite excited also to develop and not lose my intellect and skills that I worked hard in school and at other jobs/trainings to learn. I need to figure out a balance. Also, he is European and his Mom had free day care for her kids after 1 year old. I think he kind of feels that's is ok b/c she did it that way. As for your questions they are valid and I appreciate them b/c im first time mom, so Im a complete and utter newbie lol. So, as far as who would pick up baby, if they were sick, likely if baby is sick I would reschedule and stay home with him. Thats what is nice about part-time and flex schedule. If there was an ER I would pick up likely b/c im planning on putting him in a very closeby daycare. But these are all great questions you mention- I will bring them up at the right time w/ Hubby... Gosh it seems a bit overwhelming but mostly I am extremely excited for this new chapter. (when im not battling my depression/moods) Thank you for your response __________________ Dx: BP 2 &/or BPD Rx: Lamictal 100mg “There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.” ― Richard Bach |
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