BPD rage but only for one trigger

Hello everyone, my name is Kelly and I am 35 years old. I was diagnosed with BPD at the emergency room after I hit my bedroom window which in turn cut my wrist open. It was a horrible experience and I am very ashamed of what I did so I am trying to learn ways to cope with this disorder.. My main symptoms are depression, anxiety, depersonalization and I have one trigger that causes me to rage. One thing I am hoping that someone can help me with is the answer to, do you guys have more than one trigger when it comes to rage. My only trigger is that my twin sister is dating a married man who I have a very bad feeling about. Normally I am a calm, empathic, quite person but whenever she goes out with this man my emotions build up to the point where I want to explode. I should also mention that I am an Empath, which means I am very sensative to people's energies and this guy just gives me a bad feeling. I do not care when my sister goes out with anyone else, it's just him. I have been working on mindfulness with my counsolor but I can't seem to find anything that works where I am able to calm myself when she goes out with this guy. Beside having a bad feeling about him the main thing that bothers me when it comes to this guy is since my sister met him she has not treated me right, for example she told me " I don't have time for you in my life anymore", which was really hurtful especially since I have always been there for her when she needed my help,. When she felt that I did feel abandoned because before he came along we were so close. How do you guys calm down when you are in a rage filled state? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

I was recently diagnosed as likely BPD after thinking I was bi-P 2 for a few years. My issue is usually triggered by my husband (or my Ex). Sometimes I can be triggered by a family member (mom) but I am almost always triggered by feeling abandoned or unheard or unloved. (even if it is not that real, or as bad as im thinking it is). It sounds like you love and are very close to your twin sister, im assuming this is almost similar to what I go through with my husband in a way. I think the triggers are worse with those we are closest too. I also had issues with my Ex-husband and until after our divorce I never thought it was me. Do you have a therapist? I think you should build some healthy boundaries and coping skills. DBT also helped me a lot. I can be empathetic like you also, to the point where I feel peoples feelings it can be quite intense. You need to protect yourself, because not everyone is as caring or concerned. When I am triggered, and feel unfair or unheard, I escalate quickly, have thrown my cell (and other things) and gotten a bit violent usually out of sheer panic and frustration, have had some bad moments. Most of them were years past and have worked hard to get to where I am now. (in a relatively stable safe relationship, and expecting my first child). Good luck sweetie! I hope you can find some peace and learn some helpful coping skills so you don't injur yourself anymore

Thank you so much for that reply SilverSprings! It is really wonderful to hear that you are in a good relationship now and congratulations on your baby ! I do see a therapist every week, she is pretty good and I have also read some books on DBT. I really like the concept of mindfulness but when I get in that rage state I seem to forget everything that I have learned. This is such a weird disorder, like I said I am so calm and sweet any other time but when it comes to this situation I turn into a different person. One more thing I see you take lamictal, dose that help you? Thank you again for the reply again, I really appreciate it,

Hi there, the same exact thing happens to me. I am calm, nice and a pleaser type person 99% of the time. That 1% of the time I turn into something quite different and awful. The Lamictal has saved my life. seriously. If you are not being medicated, and if you have these rage attacks, the Lamictal might be able to stabilize you almost completely. Before I was pregnant the Lamicatal + Lexapro combo was my savior. I found my sweet spot at 200mg Lamictal and 10mg lexapro (both generic versions). However, we wanted to have a baby, so I began lowering my dose of Lamictal. I went off both altogether. Bad idea. While im happy for the first trimester baby didn't get any of those meds in his system, I suffered from it.

I recently as this past weekend had one of the worse rage attacks while in the car w/ my Dh thankful he was driving, but I utterly pushed him to the breaking point (mentally) and in turn he over reacted and lets just say were lucky we didn't crash. it was a terrible way to end our night (we had been to a wedding), and were traveling to stay in a hotel to celebrate our first date anniversary. it was so awkward and we stayed up late that night talking about how to fix this. #1 I needed to talk to my Psychiatrist and I did this morning, she told me she's upping my meds back to 150. I had hoped but 100 would be ok, but being pregnant you gain weight and you metabolize the meds faster. Sorry none of this is really relevant to you, but I am also in a delicate state I was just talking to her and started crying :/ She said "none of this is your fault, This is simply physiology". that really helped to hear. #2 I need to forgive myself and be patient with my DH. he also has his own issues, he has anxiety and sometimes we both can trigger each other. #3 Progress, not perfection is my motto. He wanted to set up some ground rules for never having these kind os interactions in the car b/c of how dangerous it can be. But like you said, all your skills and "rules" often go out the window in the heat of the rage. It is a very weird and surreal place to go mentally and its only when im in the throws of it do I realize OMG this is that terrible place that I almost feel disassociated and high and violent.

So, long story short, this disorder really SUCKS. I will probably have to go back on meds, which I guess was in fairy land thinking I might be able to get pregnant and go into an amazing blissful state and all would be perfect. so not the case. Pregnancy is stressful, I had to work hard to get here (IVF) and its scary (I couldn't feel the baby the other day for 2 days and went to Dr freaking out). Plus, im getting new job next week.

So, if you need a friend, I am here. It is quite helpful to talk to someone who can relate. These forums have been a great resource over the years. I used to have frequent rage attacks for a long time and I am lucky I never really did anything really terrible during them, other then toss my phone, break my car mirror off more then once, pull off my visor more then once, and hurt my partner mostly mentally, many times. I already had a divorce, and really do not want another and I want my son to know a nice, normal, not-scary mama. So, it takes hard work, (im in therapy too), but it is possible to have a normal life.

Good luck to you, I am here if you need a pal.

ps. I don't know how old you are, but as you get older your trigger may change. If you have a close partner for ex, that could also trigger you as it did for me. When I was younger it was my family, then friend, then love. Not that its definite but be cautious about that. If you can do something about it now, all the better.

Thank you SilverSprings,That was such a helpful reply! I am so glad that lamictal has helps you, do you get any side effects from it? I am going to have to ask my Doctor about it when I see her. Right now I just take amitriplyne for my migraines and Kholphopn for anxiety, at this point I am willing to try anything. I am sorry that you had a hard time this weekend, at least you are working through it and getting help. Being pregnant sounds so stressful especially when you are traveling. Thank you so much again for your post, be sure to keep in touch!