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Old 10-09-2019, 09:35 PM   #1
adidasqueen2023
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Default too scared to tell my therapist I think I am borderline

I know I have extremely volatile moods, and unstable relationships with most people in my life who have not known me too long. the relationships I have been able to keep are intimate boyfriends who probably make excuses for my behavior/mood swings because they are attracted to me and/or don't want to lose the relationship; old friends since high school, although I know all of them have personally evaluated our friendship and the three of them do not have many other friends themselves.

My friends in college disassociated themselves from me after I would do wild and impulsive things when drunk, and after they had to "take care" of me too many times. I spoke out about eating issues but have never really tried to resolve them because fasting is the only thing that truly makes me feel better. This happened last semester and nobody talked to me all summer: I hid everyone's snap stories so that I wouldn't see them all hanging out together because it physically hurt every single time I saw their faces.

I rarely rage out at other people unless blackout drunk, and then I really don't know what I say or do unless other people tell me. I've called my boyfriend drunk and screaming about how he didn't care about me or that all my friends thought I should break up with him. I told my friend once when she was helping me after I got sick from drinking that I ****ing hated her and she needed to leave me alone.

This year I have controlled myself excellently in social situations for the most part, except one time when I was really busy at work with a coworker (I'm a server). My old friends have occasionally said hi but I do not speak to them or say anything back except a hello. I don't know what they expect from me, I can't just act like nothing happened and I can't reach out to any of them. Our school is very small so I know our other acquaintances have definitely noticed I'm no longer around and probably asked why. I haven't drank since august 9th, and don't plan on drinking again in my life. I have lost too many people to substance abuse.

I just feel empty, but it's different than it used to be. As a child I had temper tantrums but nothing extraordinary. When I got older and was subjected to deep emotional abuse by my stepfather, I just changed. I feel like there is something deeply and inherently unlovable or unlikeable about me. I am honestly so scared of every single person I interact with because I don't think anyone really likes me or would if they knew how I really spend my time or what I really think about.

Anyway, I'm just looking for some help or advice. I don't want to keep hurting people so I really have isolated myself from everyone except my boyfriend, sister, and two friends from back home. But I am in so much emotional pain I can physically feel it in my chest and throat. My heart literally skips a beat when I see my old friends unexpectedly on campus because I'm so torn. I miss them all terribly sometimes and then five minutes later I hate them for literally abandoning me. I know I did things that weren't okay, but so did they, and I was always scared they would leave me and this is just proof to me maybe I was right all along.
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:59 PM   #2
beauflow
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Default Re: too scared to tell my therapist I think I am borderline

adidasqueen2023, notice this is your first post and want to say welcome to PC, hope you find support here and benefits .

I am sorry that you have had struggles and am glad to read your taking steps to be introspective and seeking help .. that isn't always easy kudos for doing it.

Borderline Personality Disorder has a bad stigma, as many many other mental health labels, so it's understandable to be scared to bring up such a heavy discussion with a professional.. however hopefully your therapist is a professional and they probably are. This meaning- You are seeking their services and their services are about helping you out with your struggles and concern.
I would like to believe they are open to exploring your wonder on BPD (borderline personality disorder) to assist you, to be the best you and to help you realize your worth

In truth, borderline traits are of many, and you touched on some key identifiers, a professional could help you with diagnosis, as there many factors with diagnosing mental health.
Also many disorders "blend" in with each other or in some cases comorbid diagnoses could be ((meaning more than one))... and some times humans don't have a disorder but are in need of guidance on how to handle some stressors that pop up in *life *, for each individual ; and that's ok too, mental health and wellness *is* important for everyone.

I would encourage you to talk with your therapist on your wonder, as they should be able to help you with identifying struggling points and tips on how to over come them and cope better.

However, I know with my own journey, that isn't always an absolute for each therapist/professional and individual (("I am a difficult one" or they just weren't the right fit for me)). But I am a strong believer we each can take away aspects from every experience and encounter.

While I am not a guru on DBT or CBT they may be types of therapies you may want to explore, the DBT for some helps out so much with regulation of mood and thoughts and behaviors and was designed for BPD from my understanding.

I hope that's been some help.

I can relate with being afraid to telling a professional everything, because... some of my own thoughts and feelings scare me, along with relatives that have done some very impulsive things ... but over time I have found it beneficial to bring up concerns,
Possible trigger:
.. because I dont do the action and one t really helped me out with identifying why I get those thoughts and feelings, which has helped a lot along the way.... just wanted to share that because it's a heavy topic, and yet the courage to bring it up helped out for the best.
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Last edited by beauflow; 10-09-2019 at 11:02 PM.. Reason: Apologizes, I probably missed words and used incorrect English, ** on some edits, apologizes
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