advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 03, 2019 at 11:32 AM
  #21
Here’s an interesting story of an ex who did yet didn’t hurt me:

We dated on and off over a few years. He never said he loved me and never was committed. When we were together though, it was very warm, close, intimate. On our first date, he took me out to eat with his mother!

He always treated me well and respectfully when with me. He took me out on really nice dates, and I was part of his life, saw his friends and family.

Meanwhile, he had a very dysfunctional, tragic past. He had a overly enmeshed relationship with his mother. He had a very seedy and dangerous job that was a family business for generations. Yet, I was so crazy about him. He had a bubbly, adorable personality and was a street rat. Why did I find him irresistible? He was super cute, good looking. He was smart and hilariously funny. I hadn’t met anyone else like him, except my mom told me where she grew up, guys like him were a dime a dozen.

My mom did not discourage the relationship. I’m not sure why because I really think, looking back, he was a sociopath. But she liked him. Of course, she didn’t know he was a coke addict (which I did not do with him).

So I accepted just dating him on and off. I knew he was seeing other women. I knew about all the bad things he was doing. I was hoping he would grow up and become more tame and love and commit to me. His mother came to see me and actually begged me to wait for him and that he is a great guy who is worth it!

We started to become steady for a few months and I mentioned that to him. The next date we had, he stood me up and simply never called me again! That really hurt. I cried for a few days, but I never called him again either. Why bother? He wasn’t dead. He was fine. He just chose to dump me in a cruel way to get rid of me because he didn’t want me. So I let him go.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Crypts_Of_The_Mind, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
here today

advertisement
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 03, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #22
No, he probably just didn't want his mother mixed up in the relationship. Nothing you could do about that once she stopped by and got herself involved!? Unless, you'd known enough at the time not too mention it? But, how could you have possibly known that much back then? Interesting, maybe, that you loved him for him -- whatever that means? -- and not what needs he could fill for you?

I stopped by this thread (hope it's OK, folks, I don't have BPD though I did and probably still do have PD issues of some sort, diagnosed PDNOS about 10 years ago) because I saw your posting in another forum. For whatever it's worth and whatever that means, I like you for you. You seem honest -- and thus trustworthy, from my standpoint. You've been posting on PC a lot of years and I think I kinda get your struggles. Not the one with your H, though. My relationship with my late H was much different. Oh, well, people are different.
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 03, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #23
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
No, he probably just didn't want his mother mixed up in the relationship. Nothing you could do about that once she stopped by and got herself involved!? Unless, you'd known enough at the time not too mention it? But, how could you have possibly known that much back then? Interesting, maybe, that you loved him for him -- whatever that means? -- and not what needs he could fill for you?

I stopped by this thread because I saw your posting in another forum. For whatever it's worth and whatever that means, I like you for you. You've been posting on PC a lot of years and I think I kinda get your struggles. Not the one with your H, though. My relationship with my late H was much different. Oh, well, people are different.
I think I did tell him that his mother had stopped by (my work) and we had a nice chat, went to lunch. I was probably smart enough to not tell him she told me to wait for him to grow up. He was a gun-totin’, coke dealin’ mama’s boy! Lol. I tell you, where I am from, a rather transient place known for not the best people, I never knew anyone much better! Perhaps, that explains some of my strange past relationships.

My husband was the first really nice guy from a truly good family (although just two parents and no other family). He’s a good man, just the intimacy issue drives me off the deep end. I don’t know how much is my deep, dark issue (BPD?, anxiety?) or his anxiety?, disinterest due to thoughts elsewhere?

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I feel ungrateful for complaining about mine.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
here today
Grand Magnate
here today has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,515
10 yr Member
1,429 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 03, 2019 at 09:28 PM
  #24
I felt sorta bad?/sad? mentioning it. Maybe it's something in those dysfunctional matriarchal dynamics that I think I do get when you write about that? I also think you've got something in trying just to be happy in yourself. My husband is dead -- just the way it is. Your husband is -- frustrating (to say the least?) -- just the way it is. I'm sorry for your situation, just as I'm sorry for mine. AND we do go on, somehow?
here today is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Grand Magnate
 
Crypts_Of_The_Mind's Avatar
Crypts_Of_The_Mind has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 yr Member
2,609 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2019 at 03:12 AM
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’ve always had self love. I’ve always had [I]fairly[I] healthy interpersonal relationships. I’ve never had self hate, but I have gone so depressed and negative on myself that I had that raging voice in my head and beat myself up. I have allowed others to cause me harm. Sometimes, I got right out of a bad situation, but sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes, I eventually got out. With this marriage, I have gone back and forth and have stayed but still with one foot out the door.

I told him and told him what I need, I said it loudly and clearly, I went to therapists, we went together to therapists... nothing got through to get him to give me what I need. It is over the top out there that this happens. No one really believes it, tbh. But this is the situation. He triggers me and I have to learn to avoid that. I apologized to him for the insulting things I said to him. I am sorry for losing my cool. But, the unsolvable problem is real and I need to cope.

But, I’m not going to complain about him anymore. I am going to try to just be happy with myself.
I seriously do not think this has to do with you (the way you are feeling). Whether or not you have BPD, sounds like you are simply reacting to being ignored. And not in an unhealthy way.

__________________
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away
Crypts_Of_The_Mind is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
here today, TishaBuv
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2019 at 06:54 AM
  #26
Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
I felt sorta bad?/sad? mentioning it. Maybe it's something in those dysfunctional matriarchal dynamics that I think I do get when you write about that? I also think you've got something in trying just to be happy in yourself. My husband is dead -- just the way it is. Your husband is -- frustrating (to say the least?) -- just the way it is. I'm sorry for your situation, just as I'm sorry for mine. AND we do go on, somehow?
Oh gosh, yes, he had such an enmeshed relationship with his mother. Have you ever seen The Grifters with John Cusack and Angelica Huston?

This POS ex isn’t worth my taking time to even think about anymore. I need to make my current life work and get out of this awful traumatized rut. Thanks for the support.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
here today
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2019 at 06:54 AM
  #27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
I seriously do not think this has to do with you (the way you are feeling). Whether or not you have BPD, sounds like you are simply reacting to being ignored. And not in an unhealthy way.
Thank you so much for that validation and support!

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Crypts_Of_The_Mind
 
Thanks for this!
Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Crypts_Of_The_Mind
Grand Magnate
 
Crypts_Of_The_Mind's Avatar
Crypts_Of_The_Mind has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,025
8 yr Member
2,609 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 04, 2019 at 09:58 PM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Thank you so much for that validation and support!
You are very welcome ❤

__________________
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away
Crypts_Of_The_Mind is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:25 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.