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Old 01-05-2020, 01:03 AM   #1
psyche89007
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Unhappy Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
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Old 01-05-2020, 03:10 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

Hello psyche: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Since you mentioned relationships as being one of your concerns, the Relationships & Communication forum here on PC, may be one additional forum that will be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

And then here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of BPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Dialectical Behavior Therapy in the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

6 Gifts of Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 01-05-2020, 03:54 PM   #3
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

Welcome to pc
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Old 01-05-2020, 04:47 PM   #4
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

PS I haven't been dxd with this but I do have some abandonment issues. I hope you find pc to be of help
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Old 01-10-2020, 04:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

Hi psyche, and welcome! I had to chuckle, reading your headliner question. I've long said that alone, I'm totally fine - it's only when around people that I have issues. But, that turns out to be exactly the issue, with my BPD. Alone, I know what to expect, and how to manage. Throw others into the mix, and things change, and....well....here I am. So yeah, I can see where it's totally possible for you to have found a good level of how to deal with friends, etc., but still be thrown by a closer relationship. Myself, I am having a struggle with employers, more than anyone else in my life, right now. But that is "for right now". Over time, it's been different. But hey - if you've figured out how to draw boundaries, and communicate, with friends - you CAN do the same in closer relationships too.
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Old 01-11-2020, 05:26 PM   #6
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

The higher trigger for a person with bpd happens in romantic relationships.
The more you feel concern with the other person, the higher fear of abandonment you are gonna feel.
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Old 01-13-2020, 04:21 PM   #7
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

Wow....I havent been on here and a while and came back to discuss this topic because that is me to a T and I am currently in the situation.

My BPD doesnt really affect me at all when I am not in a relationship with someone. I am the level headed guy who is typically a rational voice of reason for everyone else. I give the credit to DBT over a long period of time.

Now I am 2.5 months into a relationship with someone who we "both" have developed strong feelings for. I was actually the one that tried to keep the jets cool when she was moving quick.

We dont spend all of our time together and when we do its going having fun and traveling. We spent 5 days together just going through normal routine days recently and finally it seemed like the honeymoon phase wore off. This is when I begin to question things. Found out she did pull back out of fear and now I am all over the place mentally. This is where I can blow it up with wanting to talk, get validation, and become needy and finally push them away. The anxiety grows from there.

Right now my plan is try not to discuss whats on my mind "with her" but find another outlet to subside it and focus on just enjoying time with her even if its different and not having expectations and let the cards fall where they may.


Quote:
Originally Posted by psyche89007 View Post
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
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Old 01-17-2020, 10:21 PM   #8
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

I relate wholeheartedly. I chase people away who I think are going to abandon me, or smother them until they do. What's worse, I never seem to stop obsessing over them.....for years after the relationship is over. I just want to tell my mind to shut up and let me live my life.
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Old Yesterday, 11:17 AM   #9
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Default Re: Does anyone only feel REALLY BPD in a relationship?

Itís sad, isnít it. This is the paradox for someone with bpd and what makes always a lose-lose situation. Your main fear is to be abandon by the person you care, however at the same time, trying to sabotage this relation so the abandonment is more likely to take place.
Itís as if the constant suffering for the uncertainty of losing this person was even harder than the grieving pain for the already lost.

Itís not so deep but for a person with social anxiety is a little similar. The pain to fail in a social situation is even worse than the sadness for avoiding this social situation. Even both are considered failure.
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