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psyche89007
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Unhappy Jan 05, 2020 at 01:03 AM
  #1
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
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Smile Jan 05, 2020 at 03:10 PM
  #2
Hello psyche: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Since you mentioned relationships as being one of your concerns, the Relationships & Communication forum here on PC, may be one additional forum that will be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

And then here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of BPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Dialectical Behavior Therapy in the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

6 Gifts of Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jan 05, 2020 at 03:54 PM
  #3
Welcome to pc

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Default Jan 05, 2020 at 04:47 PM
  #4
PS I haven't been dxd with this but I do have some abandonment issues. I hope you find pc to be of help

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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 04:24 PM
  #5
Hi psyche, and welcome! I had to chuckle, reading your headliner question. I've long said that alone, I'm totally fine - it's only when around people that I have issues. But, that turns out to be exactly the issue, with my BPD. Alone, I know what to expect, and how to manage. Throw others into the mix, and things change, and....well....here I am. So yeah, I can see where it's totally possible for you to have found a good level of how to deal with friends, etc., but still be thrown by a closer relationship. Myself, I am having a struggle with employers, more than anyone else in my life, right now. But that is "for right now". Over time, it's been different. But hey - if you've figured out how to draw boundaries, and communicate, with friends - you CAN do the same in closer relationships too.

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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 05:26 PM
  #6
The higher trigger for a person with bpd happens in romantic relationships.
The more you feel concern with the other person, the higher fear of abandonment you are gonna feel.

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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 04:21 PM
  #7
Wow....I havent been on here and a while and came back to discuss this topic because that is me to a T and I am currently in the situation.

My BPD doesnt really affect me at all when I am not in a relationship with someone. I am the level headed guy who is typically a rational voice of reason for everyone else. I give the credit to DBT over a long period of time.

Now I am 2.5 months into a relationship with someone who we "both" have developed strong feelings for. I was actually the one that tried to keep the jets cool when she was moving quick.

We dont spend all of our time together and when we do its going having fun and traveling. We spent 5 days together just going through normal routine days recently and finally it seemed like the honeymoon phase wore off. This is when I begin to question things. Found out she did pull back out of fear and now I am all over the place mentally. This is where I can blow it up with wanting to talk, get validation, and become needy and finally push them away. The anxiety grows from there.

Right now my plan is try not to discuss whats on my mind "with her" but find another outlet to subside it and focus on just enjoying time with her even if its different and not having expectations and let the cards fall where they may.


Quote:
Originally Posted by psyche89007 View Post
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 10:21 PM
  #8
I relate wholeheartedly. I chase people away who I think are going to abandon me, or smother them until they do. What's worse, I never seem to stop obsessing over them.....for years after the relationship is over. I just want to tell my mind to shut up and let me live my life.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  #9
It’s sad, isn’t it. This is the paradox for someone with bpd and what makes always a lose-lose situation. Your main fear is to be abandon by the person you care, however at the same time, trying to sabotage this relation so the abandonment is more likely to take place.
It’s as if the constant suffering for the uncertainty of losing this person was even harder than the grieving pain for the already lost.

It’s not so deep but for a person with social anxiety is a little similar. The pain to fail in a social situation is even worse than the sadness for avoiding this social situation. Even both are considered failure.

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 09:57 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
The higher trigger for a person with bpd happens in romantic relationships.
The more you feel concern with the other person, the higher fear of abandonment you are gonna feel.

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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 10:28 AM
  #11
I agree with that. My ex and I (of a year) broke up back in September and I was lucky enough that although I shared some heavy stuff rather quickly, he was so compassionate and very unique. Sadly, I managed to find a way to self-sabotage the relationship instead of ending it myself due to the fact that I avoid conflict like the plague. I've definitely had a hard time meeting guys (I work at a daycare where all of the staff is female and I go to school part-time for a field that has mostly females in my classes) so my options are online. It's harder that way for me because I prefer looking at someone or talking to them on the phone because it helps me to better understand their reactions because when I text/chat online, it makes it harder for me to understand. I usually wind up getting ghosted without any particular reason behind it. I understand not wanting to talk anymore, but tell me why! I want to know so if it's something I need to work on, or it's just the other person.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this??
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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 06:30 PM
  #12
Yes, this is what occurs. This seems to be happening to me right now.
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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 12:53 AM
  #13
I've been reading this thread because I still wonder whether or not my diagnosis was wrong (dependant personality disorder and not borderline). However, like you, I too have felt like it was only with certain relationships that I've been crazy. The ironic thing (or sad thing?) is that I'm not so mentally crazy with my husband. It makes me wonder if I chose him because I felt calm with him as opposed to the crazy attraction I've had to men in the past (and well, frankly a few in recent past)...I'm wondering if this is why i chose to marry him, because I have bpd??? Like I mean, i took a leap of faith with him and yes, he did make me feel good, but i never had those sick to your stomach butterflies you know?? Which actually gives me new problems though because when we fight or rather when he lectures me, I get really upset and I lose passion for him, which, you know causes other problems. Sigh!
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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 08:41 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyche89007 View Post
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
TOTALLY. When young, I realized that the moment I even thought about taking a one on one intimate relationship seriously, I began to unravel and act like a crazy person. Over the years, I realized this came right out of my childhood which made me unable to trust my own judgement, and, more upsetting, a realization I couldn't tell what was me and what was the 'other.
What I suggest is something I did not do and that is to talk with a trusted friend about it to get an 'outside' view (when I did this, rarely, it really helped, I wish I had done it much more often---just rarely occurred to me in the midst of turmoil (thinking I was too crazy and everyone would say so...
(not). If a woman, talk to other women. It often turns out you do have a legitimate concern that is not being responded to in a helpful manner, you sense the unsaid and....(I think some of us become exquisitely sensitive to things unspoken)…((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 10:39 PM
  #15
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Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
TOTALLY. When young, I realized that the moment I even thought about taking a one on one intimate relationship seriously, I began to unravel and act like a crazy person. Over the years, I realized this came right out of my childhood which made me unable to trust my own judgement, and, more upsetting, a realization I couldn't tell what was me and what was the 'other.
What I suggest is something I did not do and that is to talk with a trusted friend about it to get an 'outside' view (when I did this, rarely, it really helped, I wish I had done it much more often---just rarely occurred to me in the midst of turmoil (thinking I was too crazy and everyone would say so...
(not). If a woman, talk to other women. It often turns out you do have a legitimate concern that is not being responded to in a helpful manner, you sense the unsaid and....(I think some of us become exquisitely sensitive to things unspoken)…((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I agree, talking things over with a trusted friend is very helpful
(in childhood being abused and lied to would cause harm to any child )

I also think you may have a legitimate concern that isn't being responded to in a helpful manner (been there )

((((((((( hugs )))))))))


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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 01:12 PM
  #16
I feel this way as well. I didn't find out about my BPD until I was 18 (which is usually the age at which people with BPD are diagnosed). I didn't really begin to recognize the symptoms of my BPD that went along with my low self-esteem when it came to guys. I thought I wasn't pretty or thin enough, so I wound up accepting dates from guys who I didn't find attractive because that was the easiest thing for me to do. It was so cruel of me to do this, now that I think about this. But if I want to wind up anywhere with a guy that is attractive, I feel like I have to compromise and have sex with them first thing because that's the only way that I think they'll want to hang out, when in reality, it just winds up messing everything up.

I am working on pursuing a new relationship with someone I find attractive and am holding strong to my boundaries. He has asked me to come over to his house several times and I have told him that us doing that will only lead to sex. He didn't disagree and so far has respected my boundaries. I'm surprised he hasn't stopped talking to me, but he must have been honest when he told me that he was looking for something serious.
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Default Feb 07, 2020 at 10:09 AM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
It’s sad, isn’t it. This is the paradox for someone with bpd and what makes always a lose-lose situation. Your main fear is to be abandon by the person you care, however at the same time, trying to sabotage this relation so the abandonment is more likely to take place.
It’s as if the constant suffering for the uncertainty of losing this person was even harder than the grieving pain for the already lost.

It’s not so deep but for a person with social anxiety is a little similar. The pain to fail in a social situation is even worse than the sadness for avoiding this social situation. Even both are considered failure.
This is a part of the tragedy with close intimate relationships, especially romantic. It can be so frustrating.

I remember in past relationships, I could tell my actions/ words were pushing my significant other away, despite my best intentions. This fed my fear of being abandoned and losing them, which further increased doing the things causing them to be pushed away! They would just tell me they loved me and wanted me to "be myself" which was so foreign to me back then. What they were saying made logical sense but I could not get out of my head about it. Then when they did leave, it was such a blow to my self esteem because I blamed myself almost exclusively every time. Never really got it. Man this BPD is no joke, it really is difficult because there are so many aspects to it.
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Default Feb 08, 2020 at 10:43 AM
  #18
I totally relate!

It's so awful. I obsess over my boyfriend and am so paranoid. It's usually -

Why hasn't he text back? Is he online right now? Does he flirt with the girls he works with? Did he prefer his ex? Why does he like me anyway? He must think I'm ugly. He's going to find someone better. I can't cope if he looks at another girl. He's going to cheat.

And then I'll get upset or have a sort of outburst out of nowhere, and he'll tell me he can't deal with it, and I'll feel crazy and neurotic. It's so sad that we push people away like this.

Hugs to you xxx
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Default Feb 14, 2020 at 03:15 PM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by giddykitty View Post
I've been reading this thread because I still wonder whether or not my diagnosis was wrong (dependant personality disorder and not borderline). However, like you, I too have felt like it was only with certain relationships that I've been crazy. The ironic thing (or sad thing?) is that I'm not so mentally crazy with my husband. It makes me wonder if I chose him because I felt calm with him as opposed to the crazy attraction I've had to men in the past (and well, frankly a few in recent past)...I'm wondering if this is why i chose to marry him, because I have bpd??? Like I mean, i took a leap of faith with him and yes, he did make me feel good, but i never had those sick to your stomach butterflies you know?? Which actually gives me new problems though because when we fight or rather when he lectures me, I get really upset and I lose passion for him, which, you know causes other problems. Sigh!
Similar for me. The ones who gave me butterflies were emotionally unavailable. Have you heard of limerence? I wanted what I could not get.

I also felt calm and safe with my husband, and married him feeling good about us, but not crazy butterflies...which meant fear.

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Default Feb 14, 2020 at 06:35 PM
  #20
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Similar for me. The ones who gave me butterflies were emotionally unavailable. Have you heard of limerence? I wanted what I could not get.

I also felt calm and safe with my husband, and married him feeling good about us, but not crazy butterflies...which meant fear.
@TishaBuv glad I'm not alone in this. Crazy butterflies meant fear? Is that what you mean? Like there was an element of fear of rejection with those others? Well, that was me.

Yes, actually I've only recently heard of limerance but that describes it perfectly, the favorite person syndrome. Some cases there was a sexual element to it, but I suppose that wasn't the primary part, and definitely wasn't the case with the friends.

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