BPD and working

Hi all,

I was diagnosed with BPD last August after having struggled my whole life. I had no idea that what was wrong was a condition - I genuinely thought I just sucked at everything .

This is a bit of a long post - sorry - I just wanted to give some background as to how my BPD affects me working.

Looking back at my work history, I have never been able to keep a job for longer than 18-24 months. I don't know why. I get to around 18 months and just begin to panic, feel suffocated, desperately anxious, completely desperate to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I leave, I am overwhelmed by fear about going back, and that is how I feel until I return.

I am currently in this place - I hate my job, I don't get on with any of my colleagues (well, to be fair, I struggle to get on with people in general), I work in a tiny office on my own which depresses me further, and my boss is awful. I have asked to be moved into an office with other people - they know about my BPD - as I am really struggling but they claim there is nowhere for me to move to. And I spoke with my HR rep about my boss, she told me I just needed to be an adult and deal with it myself - I kind of wanted to laugh as I am 15 years older than her!

I just hate being like this, I don't want to be filled with dread and anxiety every minute of the day.

So I asked my DH whether I could leave work, but he says we can't afford it right now. However, I have been desperately looking for other work and after 50 applications I realised it might be because I cant stay in a job for more than 2 years that is getting me rejected constantly. But of course I cant fix that, and then I began thinking about staying where I am for the next twenty years and I panicked even more.

I am on meds and they keep my from either extreme of the spectrum, but the symptoms still affect me - especially when I am stressed, which is always.

I've been off sick the last week and a bit and am due back tomorrow but I seriously can't face it (I keep thinking over and over about what I could do to get out of it). My DH will go mad if I stay off any longer as he says we cant afford it.

Sorry for the long-winded post, I wanted to share how BPD affects me and maybe get some feedback from others in the same boat, but as I wrote this I realised just how much this is affecting me, and how I had no one to talk to about it, so I think I needed this opportunity to say it all out loud.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading to the end, I really appreciate it!

Sun x

I can relate to your situation.

Could it be that around 18-24 months you start to see the flaws in the workplace? I have experienced that with my jobs. At first, the place is new and I'm just trying to learn and getting to know people. Around that second year, you know people, their behavior, and see the problems with the place. They also know me, so it is easier to take things people do personally.

At that point, I think staying at that job takes learning to accept the people and situations 'as they are' and detaching from it personally. Instead of fighting the boss and feeling they have power over me, I respond by trying to make the situation work as best I can for me. What can I do to make this less painful for me? I also like to mentally feel like I am ready to walk out the door. And, I always keep looking for another job. It detaches me from the place in a way. It makes me feel less stuck if that makes sense.

I know your situation is different. I hope it gets better for you!

Yes I think you're right - I am super excited for the first six months, then content for the next year and then completely disillusioned and depressed after that. I never thought of it like that, thank you.

I have been trying to improve things at work. but then my lovely boss (who knows about my BPD and went well out of her way to help me out) went on maternity leave and I am stuck with a bossy, micro-managing, really rude manager. I've been looking for another job, but as I say it looks awful on my CV so I think that's why I am not getting anywhere. I would work for myself but 50% of the time my boss would be horrendous to work with ;-)!

Sun x

Hi

I can relate to some of this. I agree with Yzen's post. I hope things get better for you re work!