Accepting I have Borderline Personality Disorder

I've been reading about Borderline Personality Disorder more in depth and have decided that I have definitely suffered from this my entire life, currently 35. I have read about it in the past but, I don't believe I've ever truly accepted this. I believe doing so will help me to fully accept myself and understand myself.

It's so crazy to me some of the stuff I have read about it describe things I could never explain fully. It seems to affect so many parts of my psyche and life. Over the years, I thought it was depression, addiction (now think those are more symptoms) but when I worked on those in the past, it was like nothing truly changed. I never knew how to say no it feels like something else is wrong with me.

Some things that fit me, chronic feelings of emptiness, unclear or shifting self-image, fear of abandonment, extremely heightened sensitivity and emotion, explosive & undue anger etc, emotions switch quickly as does my perception of others. I can be extremely easily "slighted" and have a hard time with social situations because there's so much to process. I feel/ seem awkward in them. I have a very hard time calming down once I'm "triggered" (sometimes don't even know why) and can't let things go, impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, self-harm in my early 20's.

I belive BPSD has led me to sort of, living my life by emotion in a way, which I believe (a value) should be secondary to reason, which maybe explains why I always feel such a struggle within myself and am unable to accept myself (working very hard on that).

I have been to 17 counseling sessions in a row and I think I have made progress in my intrapersonal skills, and my interpersonal skills. But it's hard for me to keep focus on what I should work on with myself and I think it may be partially BPSD. Does anyone else experience problems in setting/ maintaining long term goals or find they shift a lot?

Anyone with experience, what do you think should be the priority focus? It seems like it's emotion regulation at this point. If that's running my life, I would think that should be the start.

Good for you. That's the first step, acceptance.

Yes I'd say emotional regulation was very important. I've heard DBT is the best method

I have had a book for a while that I've never opened called, "Emotional Intelligence: a practical guide." Starting to read today and it's pretty good.

Question: are you self diagnosing - or did a psychiatrist diagnose you?

BPD can be confused with other MH problems as well so its important to be able to identify the small differences n thus be able to properly diagose.

Good question and points.

It's currently self diagnosed. I plan on bringing it up to my therapist to get her opinion when I see her in a couple weeks. We've been together for 17 sessions but I don't have a formal diagnosis of anything at this point.

I've ordered some books on Borderline just to read more about it. But I am resisisting discounting any other possibilities an expert may identify, or not identify.

Dont fully embrace the BPD diagnosis YET then, until you are sure. Bipolar n some types of PTSD can present so similar to BPD - even some psychiatrists misdiagnose ppl.for years. Just be careful is all I am.saying bc BPD has a lot of stigma attached to it - n even if the dx is changed later - many ppl tend to keep those stigmatizing ideas about you ..

I am new here as of yesterday, I have been diagnosed only last year with BPD and in my mid-30's. I am not coping too well with my diagnosis and had a major 'crisis' episode at the weekend. I have only just calmed down as of an hour ago.

I find it so challenging living with BPD, although I am told it's only myself that can change my behaviour. I know I must, but I have to reset my whole brain into a better way of thinking (other than the way it's been trained by my parents - shall I say!??)
I am currently engaged in therapy, which I thought was Clinical Psychology, but no, just the 10th round of CBT!

I made it clear how I struggled over the weekend. I am to refer myself back to Psychiatry and also, see a Clinical Psychological Therapist - which is being arranged for me as we speak. I'm pretty sure I need to do some DBT as well.

I agree and empathise greatly with how simplex is feeling. I was annoyed that it took this long to get my diagnosis, however I am now having a new assessment at Psychiatry - I greatly suspect I am bi-polar too. I am not coping, I am a monster and keep practising erratic behaviour. I am very depressed at present.

I also agree with Crypts_Of_The_Mind, it is important to get a correct and accurate diagnosis - even if you have to see 3 specialists to get it!!

Thanks you guys so much. x

First, let me say - you are NOT a monster. I know it can be easy to feel that way bc of how others react to you or some things the therapist may say to.you - but it's not true.

It is very hard to "rewire" your brain - I agree. I worked on simply changing how I spoke first

Example
Instead of saying "I always hurt people" - I would change if to "It seems like I hurt people more often than not." Or instead of saying "I will never be loved", I changed it to "I don't know if I will ever be loved."

Change "absolute" words to those which can go either way - yet still show the way you are feeling the most clear.

It takes a lot of thought and intention to do that at first - but then you get more used to.it n you find the absolute language really only gets bad when you are feeling either close to emotionally unstable or already are emotionally unstable

After that started getting easier- I started analyzing out situations and my reactions to them before I acted on things.

As an example:
Someone says "I have to go now, but we will talk tomorrow."
When tomorrow comes - the person never says anything to you - doesn't even try to contact you.

My "go to" reaction would generally be to believe I did something wrong and beat myself up over it

So - before doing so - I learned to think:
What other possibilities could there be for not talking to me?
1. The person became extremely busy and it just never crossed their mind
2. The person forgot
3. Some emergency came up and the person had to take care of that.

Then consider what other reactions you could have
1. Talk to the person n ask what happend
2. Limit communication and/or interactions with the person
3. Stop talking to the person

Finally - decide what seems to be the healthiest action to take.

Doing those things has helped me be able to cope a bit better. It's not an overnight fix though. It takes a lot of work

Everytime I went for counseling, I kept being treated with CBT and it did nothing for me - sonI literally had to find ways of helping myself. Back them I was limited as to.what therapists I could use bc of my insurance- and it just happened al the therapists my insurance allowed - were CBT.

If you are able to get a therapist that does something other than CBT it may be greatly beneficial to you.

Just dont ever give up.- n never give in to the stigmas others may try to push onto you as being "truth". ❤

Good luck! ❤❤

Thanks so much Crypts_Of_The_Mind,

As your signature statement says, you definitely took my breathaway with your heartfelt comments. Thank you for making someone like me feel like this, it means the world. I can't believe people have been nicer to me on here, than even friends I used to have in real life!!
It's nice that someone out there understands, when I feel alone right now.

I love the concept of changing the way I say things, not that I wish to be a copycat. I think this technique will really help me come to terms with my BPD and hopefully see the world in a better light.

I am emotionally unstable at the moment, but hoping I will slowly calm down and get back to me. I am certainly going to practise what you said, as obviously, what I am doing is not working right now.

I too, can really resonate with the tendency to think the worst in practically all situations.

I have had that feeling when someone doesn't phone you back. I know deep down you have to question/analyse it a different way and look the bigger picture. After all, agreeing with you, there could be many reasons why the person didn't call back.

I am going to really work on my behaviour with your precious advice. If I can pull it off with perseverance, you have convinced me I am capable of thinking healthier.

Luckily, after going to therapy yesterday I have arranged for some Clinical Psychological Therapy. It is with a Male psychologist (for the first time ever!) and hopefully he can give me his perspective on how I behave in my marriage and help me to control it so I don't keep pushing my husband away.

Thanks so much again, I can tell you are a kind, special person. x

I am glad I was able to offer you something that you believe may help. I do not consider it "being a copycat" for you to do the things I mentioned - I consider it as being someone who.wants to try anything they can in an effort to live s happier life. ❤

I am glad you have taken initiative in the type of counseling you are getting as well.

We are our own best advocates. Nobody except you knows what works best for you. Docs know what a book says - but you are a unique person not dictated by what a book.says - so you may or may not fall into the guidelines the book describes. That's why it's important you tell the doc if something they are doing is either not helping or is making things worse. It is just as important you feel heard and that you see the dic trying to work with you- not dictate to you how you "must feel" or focusing solely on their own personal lives.

You are a kind and caring person also.

When I first came to read this - I was in a bad mood. You helped me smile.

Thank you. ❤

Hey Emerald,

I will be 35 in about a month so I can relate Emerald. It's frustration for me but also a relief because it explains so many things in my life and why I think/ act certain ways.
I have about a week until I see my therapist again where I've decided I'm going to bring up my findings on BPD. Therapist may know already or disagree which is fine. If she does
I will listen. I'm personally almost certain this has impacted my life since I was 17-18 and I started to go down hill of sorts in my life trajectory. But then again I'm not a trained professional.

I guess we have been doing CBT. I'm definitely better than I was at recognizing when I'm in an emotional state and limiting my time there. I still shift very quickly between emotions and as this book I started
was describing, like sometimes I'll feel just down, empty. For no reason, and it seems like I've always felt that way. Like I don't keep a cohesive sense of self or time to remember, "hey yesterday was an amazing day,
nothing bad has happened or anything since." But the key for me that I remember is to just be mindful, which I'm exploring more.

Great post Crypts about some cognitive distortions. I am trying to work on practicing shifting my thinking too. I believe I've made a lot of progress but sometimes it doesn't feel like I've made any at all, can easily turn into negative self talk.

I got a book called "Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder" and just got to some of the cognitive distortions, things like: Black and white thinking, filtering, catastrophizing, pathological certainty. It says mindfulness is a key to help with BPD. I have had some experience with that being true but seem to have fallen back into my emotions and brain. For a while I was out of them and just living. I keep popping up and freeing myself but then seem to come back to my emptyness and self loathing.

Maybe it's just practice and time. I was this way for a long time without questioning it and working on it. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Dont worry about bouncing back n forth between being able to regulate your emotions n not. First- its like any other habit. It doesnt change overnight - n it takes a lot of work. But thus "habit" takes even more work bc you just know it as a part of who you are - it's not like picking up a cig one day n getting addicted. With smoking - you can remember the days you did not smoke n what that was like. Changing your thinking - generally speaking ...you cannot remember a different way bc there never WAS a different way. So you are literally retraining your brain - not just breaking a habit. *hugs* Also though, as I mentioned before when you start to become unstable or are unstable - there is a high likelihood you will revert to not being able to regulate your emotions.

Be good to yourself. Dont put "deadlines" or "expectations" of when or how fast you "should" heal. Just celebrate each small accomplishment you make. That should also help. ❤

Good post. Stigmas from other people are never ''the truth''

I also don't think that CBT is necessarily particularly helpful (it varies from provider to provider though)

I particularly agree with not putting deadlines or expectations of how fast you ''should'' heal, how much ''significant change'' how fast etc.. Celebrate each small victory

I am new to this site and I am also confused about my actual mental health issues, I have Bipolar and also Cptsd, I have been told I have Bpd but I dont know if I believe it

Nobody knows you better than you. Dont readily accept anything just bc a doc says it's TRUE. The docs continuously changed my dx for 5yrs before it set at major depression with psychotic features, PTSD, general anxiety disorder, and BPD. If you have a reason or reasons you question the diagnosis - address it with your doctor or ask for another psych evaluation. The more you get involved in your treatment, the quicker you will find some relief ❤

Good post. The providers definitely are WRONG sometimes. grrrrrr. Wishing you good luck and relief

DBT. DBT. DBT.

DBT was actually created for people with our diagnosis but is used to treat many other mental illnesses as well. It has definitely helped me make better choices and I am grateful for that. I want to practice it more, but I think I just did when I was faced with a conversation this week with someone who was interested in dating me. We hadn't met yet, but he asked me if I was sure I was ready for a relationship. Funny enough, the day before I decided to delete all of my online dating accounts and just leave this one person who I hadn't met yet but was still somewhat interested in. I decided if it didn't work out, that I would stop going on these apps in my free time and try to focus more on myself. I finally was able to tell the guy that I wasn't ready for a relationship, which was something that was hard for me to do because I feel like I have entered situations in the past where I wasn't ready and I'm still not.

At church last Sunday, our pastor asked us this question (and asked us to use that question this week, which is probably the reason that I was able to tell this person I wasn't ready for a relationship): what is the wise thing for you to do right now?

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not, it's a good question, and it's funny when DBT focuses a lot about being in "wise mind", so now as I sit here typing this out, I realize (and I believe) that this question being asked at this certain point in my life wasn't/isn't a coincident.

I was diagnosed with BPD over two years ago by my psychiatrist. It's super important to me now to not focus on being romantic in any kind of way. I got back to working out, am working a job I really like, and my goal is to find a new therapist. I spent about two years (all of 2018 & 2019) working on recovering from trauma in the traumatic stress center at the hospital I go to.

Thanks so much for your views on this thread trygal1130. It really helps to hear from another's perspective on DBT.

I find it really interesting and important, yet also admirable that you have the knowledge to realise you are not well enough to be with someone yet, romantically.

I am so glad that you wait till 'you're' ready to be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, marrying my husband was the very best thing that has happened in my life. Years ago though, when I was single, I was quite promiscuous and did things and got into some sorts of 'situations' (shall we say) that I did not feel comfortable doing, but did so to try to make myself feel normal and fit in with others. It was what all other teenagers were doing anyway. I realise now, I should've kept waiting until 'I' was comfortable to do relationship or sex stuff with others my age.
That is why I respect your choice so much and the fact that you are an obviously intelligent person to be able to do the 'wise' thing for yourself at present.

Thanks for inspiring me today!

I thank my lucky stars for my husband, especially as he struggles with mental health too. He is not Borderline, but supports me 100% through mine. He is a rather amazing man, quite frankly. I hate the way I have emotional outbursts and take them out on him. I don't apologise until after my unacceptable outbursts of rage and mania. I feel guilty for being cruel to him in my outbursts.

I've always felt there was something wrong with my brain function/behaviour. It's been a long road searching for answers. However, I guess every small step is that little bit closer to dealing with and conquering my emotional instability - at least regulate it, anyway.

trygal1130, do you think you will be with someone ever, or do you think you will be happy even if you stayed on your own?

If I ever had to, I'd like to think I'd be able to cope alone. I've done it before, badly and survived.

I'd be devastated if I lost my husband due to me not being successful in re-wiring my brain.

It was an amazing thing earlier. I fell out with my husband because I got offended by a little bit of sarcasm on his part. I flipped out. I got an email notification of the new post on this thread by yourself. I read it straight away, was captured by your 'wise mind' advice and decided 'the wise thing I could do in my situation', was to say 'sorry' to my husband. Isn't it amazing, yourself a new member, motivated me to do that?!

Thank you.

My husband and I both agreed that it must have been a good omen and was a wonderfully bizarre moment for us both. x