Remorse from cheating? PG-13

My girlfriend has symptoms of what I believe to be BPD, which of course she denies anything is wrong with her. She is a compulsive liar and has cheated on me several times, but denies all of that too. I have solid evidence of her cheating and she still denies it, which is really baffling to me. Since the beginning of our relationship we both had very strict rules and principles that we were both to follow.

We're both almost 50 and getting too old for games. We do live together, and come to find out she had been having sex with guys every chance she can get while I'm out of the house, even for a couple hours. She is hyper-sexual, but denies it. I try to keep up with her, and we do it every single day and usually twice a day. I can tell she's "different" down there often, but didn't think much of it until I found my proof using a recorder. I can clearly hear her having sex, yet she still adamantly denies it and says those sounds are not sexual and or it's the TV.

Let me just say that I am absolutely certain it is sex, and I can't believe she lies straight to my face. It's very disturbing. I have since left our home and have been gone for 3 weeks and she is begging and pleading with me to come back and that I was wrong. Everything is in my head according to her. She has gas-lighted me to the extreme, and has done a very good job at hurting my sense of self and my sanity by trying to convince me that all of those things are in my head and I actually know the truth.

Here's the worst part.... I'm considering going back to her because MOST of our relationship is fantastic and euphoric, even with the gas-lighting. My idea is that even though she doesn't admit to the cheating, that maybe she perhaps feels some remorse and feels bad now that she lost me. I obviously didn't exist when she was having sex with others in our home, so why on earth am I even considering going back with her?

Well, because first I am totally in love with her, and she actually appears to be totally in love with me. Or at least I feel that way and feel loved by her in a sincere way. We are extremely affectionate and satisfy each other's needs and this is what each of us has been looking for in a partner our whole lives and we finally found it. I absolutely have nowhere to go except back to my parents 2000 miles away and have no job or anything to my name. I have nothing and very hard to get a job with a felony on my record. At least with her we are actually happy a majority of the time and have a great time together. Maybe she has remorse now and will change is what I hope for?

Anybody here with BPD who cheats or has cheated and had remorse and changed? I mean we're going on 50 years old, isn't time to leave those behaviors alone and settle down? I really am madly deeply in love with her and I do believe she has "something" like love for me because she does a massive amount of work for our relationship to provide for us and she sacrifices a great deal to make sure we are happy and spend a great deal of time together(except when she screwing around..lol).

She is otherwise SO VERY GOOD TO ME. It's extremely confusing to me. I feel very loved by her and she seems nearly PERFECT, so why is she cheating on me and she doesn't stop when I have caught her, and she even denies it with proof?I am so lost and confused and have no idea what to do. She wants me to come back and we work it out but she has put me through hell at times with worry about leaving the house and she having sex with someone. I will say that we are fighting very bad right now about her lying. She won't admit to ANYTHING.

I don't know if I should go back to her and have a life or leave with my dignity and have nothing.

Hi Dontleave,

I'm so sorry you are in the complex situation you describe. I think your feelings are completely understandable. I would also be confused if I was in your shoes.

Wish I had some good advice, but sadly I am a loss for ideas. I sure hope you find a resolution to this situation that allows you to have some peace of mind.