Fear of rejection and hypersexual

I am looking for some help better understanding my BPD and relationships in general. I am a 40something year old male that was diagnosed 6 years ago. Been through DBT and for the great majority BPD doesnt rule my life or have a lot of affect anymore BUT relationships. This is my new journey to discover the inner workings and solutions/practices to combat it.

As I have been doing some soul searching I made a correlation that involves me with regards to fear of rejection and being hypersexual. As soon figured that these 2 things can be gas and fire or oil and water made send that it is the major part of my issues in relationships.

I recently started dating a girl about 4 months ago that we both really connected and fell for each other fast. There still is a great connection where we truly can be completely open and it feels like a good friendship as well. So the honeymoon phase started to fade and reality set in. It all started to affect me the first time we didnt have sex one night that we were together. The rejection set in and I started to question whether she is still into me or have feeling like that anymore. Fast forward it has started to really affect us that she feels pressure that she isnt good enough or cant give me what I want. All it takes is her having a bad day and it merely seems cold the "ut oh" kicks in and then I want to have sex because that how I know she has feeling for me still right? It doesnt help that we are both attractive to one another and being intimate together is still great, but the nights I get rejected all the thoughts start to pile on and on.

We both adore each other and want to be together but I actually have bought in that I do need more and maybe she isnt right for me. At the end of the day I realized all of this has worn her down and she doesnt feel good about herself and she is confused by me. It takes one little issue and I can bring up "everything" I am unahppy about her. I cant believe that I actually stopped looking at me for a solution.

This is a big and important piece of the puzzle so I am I am just looking for feeback, advice, encouragement.

btw- has anyone ever done Mentalization therapy? I am just reading on it and may sound like a good road to combat part of the "perceived vs reality" on what can drive my reactions?

I don't have bpd but I do exprience fear of rejection. From what you say, I think on a practical level you inderstand that not having sex doesn't mean she doesn't like you. She could be tired from a long day and the constant pressure can wreck your relationship.

Is there any way to change your thinking so you don't think having sex every day is proof of a successful relationship? Do you enjoy just hanging out together and relaxing at the end of the day? I never heard of mentalization, but it sounds interesting. I'm going to go read up on it now. Since you know she has low self esteem, maybe you can try to focus on making her feel better about herself and that will help keep you relationship stable and maybe reduce your anxiety.

I can understand something on an intellectual level and still feel like everything is bad. The black and white thinking doesn't go away just because of logic. It is great you have had DBT. I have not. I question whether I am even capable of doing it.

I hope you can get through this with your girlfriend. It sounds like you both care for each other a lot. I have been married for a long time, and my husband has put up with my problem. I feel really guilty that he has had to endure all that he has. I am trying to get help for it.

Try to be gentle with her. I am sure the attraction has not worn off. It is just settling in to a real relationship. I wish you both well.