Hi! I'm new & I possibly have BPD & I am struggling with favorite person PLEASE help!

Hi everyone! I'm new here and I am looking forward to talking with you all. I really need help, as I am struggling in a major way with something... I'll tell you a little about myself and why I am here.

Before I start, I will say that I have been diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety online, but I DO NOT have a BPD diagnosis... and I KNOW that I can't diagnose myself, however I don't really have a way to be "officially" diagnosed because I can't see anyone in person about it. I have spoken with my online therapist, and we both feel as though I need to find a new online therapist that can help treat my bpd "traits", so I am in the process of looking for someone.

I really don't know where to begin, but I'll try my best at explaining my situation. To start off, my childhood wasn't good at all, my parents fought all the time and I felt like I had to be the mediator to keep them from killing each other, starting from when I was in kindergarten. Which left me not really having a relationship with either of my parents because I felt like I couldn't talk to them. In middle school, I didn't tell anyone about this until my junior year. I always tried to be this "perfect" version of myself, and if at anytime I failed at anything, I felt like I was hated by everyone, and I would hate myself. In middle school, I started having these MAJOR "crushes" on certain type of women. It was only one woman at a time. It was nothing romantic or anything like that, although it did cause me to question my sexuality because I couldn't figure out why I would think about a woman obsessively. It wasn't until years later, that I realized that I wanted these women to be my mom. I ended up developing a relationship with 2 of these women. One was a teacher at my high school. I felt so close to her, but in reality, we weren't really that close. But I put her on this huge pedestal. And when she wouldn't text me back, I'd feel like she was trying to distance herself from me and that's when I'd begin to lose it. Obviously, I wasn't successful, so fast forward 2 years later and I found my next "crush", or as I've learned through research of bpd, its "favorite person". I got into a super close relationship with another woman and she really became like a mom to me. I basically lived with her for over a year. Things were great. But then, she started seeming a bit offish to me, and the whole thing happened over again and I ended up overdosing and wound up in the hospital. This cycle is something that happened a few more times.

What led me here, is that recently, I've found a new "favorite person" and this time its honestly about to drive me absolutely crazy as I don't know how to deal with it. I've been pretty isolated for several years now, I don't really know anyone where I live, I don't talk to anyone from back home, its just myself and my boyfriend. I am in my 30s now, and am currently diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety. And I feel like I am head over heels in absolute LOVE with this woman that I barely know, that doesn't live even remotely close to me. We've exchanged a few emails over a year, and I called her up this past November to talk about something that wasn't even personal. But we started talking and I flipped over her. A few days late I called her about something personal, when I was on verge of an anxiety attack (which was strange in itself because there again, I had only spoken to her on the phone ONCE) and she was SO kind, and caring and considerate of me that I absolutely fell flat on my face in love with her. I think the world of this woman that I don't even know. I want to tell her everything about myself, and I want to know everything about her. I want her to be my mom (I'm making myself sound like an absolute nutt right now, right?!) ... I even looked up adult adoption because I was fantasizing that she would adopt me!! Ugh, it's exhausting just thinking about it. Well, I finally realized that this was just not normal, and I started looking it up online, and found that this is something commonly experienced by people with BPD (although, I don't know if it usually happens with someone you don't really know?!). I didn't even know what BPD was, I had never heard of it. I looked it up online, and I've researched it for almost a month now. And I STRONGLY feel like I meet the criteria for BPD, specifically quiet, or discouraged BPD. I didn't really know how to take it at first, but now I almost feel (happy????) to atleast know that this may be the reason for so many things in my life, to how I think/feel about myself and others, and why I am the way I am with so many things. I feel that because I know what it is, that I can at least try to manage myself a little better. I have no hope of getting a proper diagnosis, as I can't see a therapist in person because I don't want my boyfriend to know. I am getting my depression and anxiety treated online, and had medicine delivered to me. There again, it's that fear of rejection if my boyfriend were to find out.

I am hoping to hear from some of you about your thoughts on my current "favorite person" and how to handle it. I've emailed her such dumb emails, degrading myself and I feel like I've made a complete idiot of myself to her, but she's still been so kind. This is really, really causing me some serious emotional pain, as I want to call her and I want to be close to her, but my anxiety won't allow it, and I am SOOOO scared that she will shut me out because I am sure that she will think that it's weird that I even want to talk to her like I do when I don't know her. How should I handle this? Do you think that I possible have BPD and this is related to it? I meet a lot of criteria (6 out of the 9(?) in the dsm) for BPD but this is the most bothersome for me, especially as of right now. I'm looking for advice, plllleasseee share some insight with me!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond to me

I'm really hoping that someone offers me some insight on how to handle this, because it is really causing me agonizing pain

Hi fpweakness,

It is terrible that you are suffering. Terrible and heartbreaking. Wish I had some insight or wisdom to offer, but sadly I am not very smart or experienced in the things you are enduring. I sure hope someone here has something really helpful to share with you ! ! !

Hello fpweakness: I see this is actually your second post here on PC. Still... it's not too late for me to say welcome to Psych Central.

In your post you asked how to handle your current "favorite person". And I don't know as I have any particularly insightful answers to offer you. But I'll share with you a few hopefully relevant things about myself as well as how I view your situation. (By the way, I'm not a mental health professional...just an old geezer with a computer & too much time on his hands.)

You mentioned you've been diagnosed, on-line, as having major depression & severe anxiety. You believe you may meet the criteria for BPD. However this has not been diagnosed. I've never really been diagnosed as having anything in particular although I kicked around the mental health system where I live for around 20 years or so. I suppose there's something written down somewhere for insurance purposes... probably depression & anxiety. I once read the book Lost in the Mirror though. And based on what I read in that book I thought it was possible I might have been diagnosable as having BPD when I was younger. (I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages. And I've certainly done that.) However in reading about Bipolar II, I can see where that might apply as well. And, as I understand it, BPD & BP II are not infrequently mixed up.

I've had a laundry-list of problems in my life... much of it self-imposed. I've tried seeing a few different therapists over the years but never stuck with any of them for long. And there's never been anyone in my life who had any interest in hearing about the myriad of problems I've struggled with. So, over the years, I've simply learned to keep it all to myself. (I've been hospitalized twice.) And now, at this late stage of my life, while I am married (my wife's accomplishment... not mine), I've just become an old recluse.

I posted a thread, here on PC, a while back that I titled: "Desperately Seeking Sigmund Freud" because I have this deep-seated need to be treated (cared for?) by someone who could truly understand the depths of my despair. I suspect it is similar to what you have experienced, & are experiencing now with your new "favorite person". The main difference, I suspect, is that you've found someone you've become attached to where I have reached the point where I don't believe that person exists. So I've stopped looking.

Since I'm not a mental health professional, I can't tell you what's at the root of your need for a favorite person. Perhaps it's something that is a symptom of BPD or maybe there's something else going on. That's something you'd have to delve into with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist. But I think what I feel I can suggest is that the need you have perhaps might be looked at as messages from non-conscious areas of your brain that there is unfinished business you need to attend to. And, until you do, you're going to continue to find yourself becoming enmeshed in the kinds of "heroine-worship" situations you've been in previously & are once again in at the present time.

You mentioned you can't see a therapist in-person because you fear rejection from your boyfriend. I can relate to that. One of the reasons I've chosen not to pursue my own mental health needs is fear of my spouse's reaction. But I know, from personal experience, that choosing not to take care of myself, in deference to someone else, doesn't mean that the yearning for healing goes away. In fact, if anything, over time my experience is it becomes more compelling. So, at least from my perspective, I think what you may have to ask yourself may be which is more important your relationship with a boyfriend who may or may not accept your need for help in order to heal, or finally coming to terms with what keeps driving you into these "favorite person" relationships. That, it seems to me, is the choice. So far it sounds like your boyfriend is winning. I would like to suggest that, perhaps it might be worth taking the risk that he might reject you so that you can once-&-for-all heal from the trauma you have experienced in your life. Who knows... perhaps he'll even surprise you?

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I would say look into DBT online. There is also a doctor online in You tube that specifically talks about BPD and favorite person. Be careful years ago my favorite person was a therapist and it tore my entire family apart. Read as much as you can about DBT.