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Default Mar 26, 2020 at 04:45 AM
  #41
That might be! I will check into that. I was tempted to ask his family to try and stand him down, but as dysfunctional as they are, it could go either way. A few of his former friends in our former group have approached him to back off, but it just made him more adamant.

I am going to look into that.
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Default Mar 26, 2020 at 04:29 PM
  #42
ARaven0137,
I read your posts and it seems to me that this fellow has some narcissistic/sociopath behavior in addition to bipolar. I had a sociopath father and was involved with a lady who also turned out to be a sociopath and your friend's behavior definitely fits into that spectrum. For your safety, I would do whatever it takes to completely cut off any contact with him. He will probably cry, plead, and may threaten to harm himself but that will all be manipulation to draw you back into his craziness.
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Default Mar 26, 2020 at 08:21 PM
  #43
Thank you, Luke, and I am so sorry about your father. I can imagine that was very difficult.

I do see what you are saying. One the one hand, he was very shy and introverted, but on the other hand he was the most arrogant person I know and that includes fighter pilots, doctors and lawyers. He was completely unable to empathize with my position in that I was saying to him that it was of no benefit whatsoever that I have a relationship with him. It would require me to divorce at great expense and then take in a guy with no skills, no income, no money and no education with whom I have vast differences with in terms of looks and physical fitness. He thought he struck a goldmine in having someone care for him entirely, financially, emotionally and physically. I would have to be physically available to him whenever the mood struck him and, in return, he would play his guitar in my home all day. What a deal! And then, I would have to bear one child after another to impress his family. He told his family he had it made, scoring a trophy girlfriend and his family was more than happy to pawn him off on me. I heard through the grapevine that his brother was delighted to get such an unstable influence out of their home and onto some unsuspecting fool. His narcissism alienated my entire family with his tantrums and name calling.

It's been over 100 hours now since I last responded. I'm away from home, but I glance through his hundreds of texts and emails per day. My voicemail is full and has been for a while now. It goes from ranting to sobbing to giggling to sexually explicit photos and videos of himself, demanding that I use them for myself. When I get back home I'm going to explore that TRO.

You are absolutely right. I'm hoping that he just burns himself out like a supernova.

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Default Mar 26, 2020 at 08:25 PM
  #44
Do NOT ask his family to do anything. They are ALL dysfunctional and was hoping to get rid of him by you taking him off their hands. They clearly can't control him and no contact means not even with his family.
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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 05:24 AM
  #45
Definitely! I haven't spoken to them since shortly after he was arrested. His mom is probably the least dysfunctional of all, but even she drinks to excess. It was sad to watch and hear about the dysfunction, but it's not my mess to clean up. The family is five boys and the youngest two are disabled, one physically and one mentally. Both parents are alcoholic. Whenever L goes off, the dad and one of the older brothers beat him up and there's a cycle of throwing him out and taking him back. I do hear things through the grapevine of mutual friends and I'm happy to keep that distance. The mom's English isn't great and I don't think she has a clue what BPD is or even how to approach it.

Even away from home I got dozens of wacky videos. Just for my own mental exercise I'm trying to differentiate what behaviors are BPD and what might be cultural. The family definitely has a "woman's place is in the home to make babies and have no life beyond her man or opinions of her own" stance. Which again leads me to "pick a woman more suited to your tastes and beliefs" because I ain't that.

Oh dear heavens, I just watched a video that I can't unsee!

Last edited by ARaven0137; Mar 27, 2020 at 05:40 AM..
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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 08:37 AM
  #46
Oh lord, break out the eye bleach?

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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 02:20 PM
  #47
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Oh lord, break out the eye bleach?
LOL, yes. I'm not even home and I got dozens, yes dozens of sexually explicit photos and videos of himself with exacting demands of how I take care of myself using those. I am definitely exploring that restraining order when I get home tonight or tomorrow. I'm being flippant now, but perhaps he could just buy one of those dolls. It's so surreal that I am definitely going through a flippant phase.

I'm also being ordered to cut off all of my male friends, limit my contact with my female friends to just talking on the phone on the weekends and cutting off my family entirely.

I think I'm over 120 hours of no response now. Hopefully I just have another day or two to rant before this is all done.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for helping me get through this.
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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 10:29 PM
  #48
I'm not convinced he has BPD, or just BPD (could definitely be multiple things) but he's definitely mentally ill and out of control. Please continue your streak of ignoring him (you are doing great) and look into a restraining order. Consider changing your number too. I am also worried for your safety.
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Default Mar 28, 2020 at 04:33 AM
  #49
Thank you! I appreciate the support. Yes, whatever he is dealing with could be any number of things. Just for my own mental satisfaction I was trying to break down what could be a mental issue and what could be a cultural issue. I'll have to be satisfied with probably never answering that question. Now that I'm home I'll get a new phone with a new number. I just hate the pain that goes along with that. I'll talk to a couple of my attorney friends about a restraining order. It's not within my emotional capability to become so obsessive over someone so I am definitely having difficulty coming to grips with this. I just can't imagine what about me is so obsessive. :P
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Default Mar 28, 2020 at 11:10 AM
  #50
Someone I once had to file a restraining order on, did leave me alone then.

This is a long story and embarrassing, but what I want you to know about it is; he told me many years later, that had I not filed the order, he never would have left me alone.

The police insisted I do it. Talk to them yourself. In light of the non stop harassing texts and sexual harassment, you have cause.

When I started going to psychologists, this relationship was a red flag for issues with ME. Why I even put myself in it in the first place.

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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 04:32 AM
  #51
Thank you for sharing that. Did that scare him enough to leave you alone or what went through his head from that? Was it normal when you saw him years later?

I saw a guy at the front desk last time and I made a call that seemed to get blown off, but I will go down again. *sigh* I was told annoying was not threatening.

I got 47 videos in the last 24 hours along with 511 texts. I did need that eye bleach for a few. I did not think that it was possible to be sobbing and aroused at the same time. I think I'm at six days of not responding.

Without the gym to work off the wackiness, I contented myself with a couple of hours of kendo and iaido. I did some kata practice like this to focus, keep my mind off that guy and prepare for an upcoming test.

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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 07:25 AM
  #52
The police went to his door with the order and told him to leave me alone or get thrown in jail. I didn’t hear from him again, and heard from a mutual friend that he had left town.

Twenty years later (thanks facebook ) he told me that I was right to have involved police.

He didn’t turn out okay. This is too hard a story to tell here. The ‘reunion’ didn’t end well, either and I had to call police again!

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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 07:25 AM
  #53
When you talk to the police again, tell them its extremely stressful for you and its harassment. Tell them his violent history. Tell them the amt of texts, videos, etc you get each day. Tell them you are scared. Use your body language and your voice to be assertive and express yourself. Try not to be passive with them or shrink back. Don't apologize or be apologetic. You have every right to be there. Have a friend or family member come with you if that might help you.
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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 12:58 PM
  #54
Also, if you get a new phone, save your old phone to show the police all the texts he sends you and videos too.
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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 06:35 PM
  #55
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
The police went to his door with the order and told him to leave me alone or get thrown in jail. I didn’t hear from him again, and heard from a mutual friend that he had left town.

Twenty years later (thanks facebook ) he told me that I was right to have involved police.

He didn’t turn out okay. This is too hard a story to tell here. The ‘reunion’ didn’t end well, either and I had to call police again!
Wow, did that bring back his old behaviors?

To think that, even with the passage of 20 years, he would return to that.
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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 06:41 PM
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When you talk to the police again, tell them its extremely stressful for you and its harassment. Tell them his violent history. Tell them the amt of texts, videos, etc you get each day. Tell them you are scared. Use your body language and your voice to be assertive and express yourself. Try not to be passive with them or shrink back. Don't apologize or be apologetic. You have every right to be there. Have a friend or family member come with you if that might help you.
Thank you! You practically scripted what I didn't do. I'm usually confident, but I was very apologetic on that attempt. "oh, sorry to bother you. I have this problem. It's not a huge deal, but I should probably say something."

I have a couple of friends who have helped see me through this who would be willing to join me. I deleted some of the worst stuff, but I still have hundreds of videos and thousands of texts. I have written a narrative of the timeline and the events that I will take with me.
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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 06:49 PM
  #57
My hopefully not too long winded encounter with BPD

A little aviation/COVID 19 humor to keep me distracted.
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Default Mar 30, 2020 at 03:20 PM
  #58
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Wow, did that bring back his old behaviors?

To think that, even with the passage of 20 years, he would return to that.
He was more MI than I realized. I fell for it not once, but twice...so that’s on me. I did not think he would hurt me, and I’m still not sure. He exhibited all the behaviors yours did, yet I see it as a love obsession and not someone who would physically hurt me...but I may be wrong.

He made several red flag comments, but I chose not to notice them. The relationship (20 years later) did not ever materialize. We never met in person, had only spoken, and he lived in another state. When I said it wouldn’t work, he went ballistic, like he did the first time twenty years earlier. He just wouldn’t let up with the stalking and name calling harassment. It was him being mad over the rejection.

I don’t know if yours will become physically dangerous, but you shouldn’t set yourself up to find out.

Like what yours said about you having his babies, mine said something similar that was throughly disturbing. These guys have the same kind of thinking and behavior. Be careful.

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Default Mar 31, 2020 at 05:08 AM
  #59
Thank you for sharing that. Wow, that does sound similar. When I look back, I could see some red flag comments too. I went the, "oh, haha, funny joke" route and just brushed it off. I did try to empathize with what mine was going through. I had a bad breakup after being engaged and I was the dumpee. That one was hard for me to get over, but we did have a long term relationship and even had a wedding date set. So, I could understand the pining for someone, but L and I were never an item and I've never obsessed over someone who didn't want me off the bat.

I'm starting to feel some normalcy return and I'm not feeling like a bug in a blender every day. The flood of sexually explicit selfies that he sends get more of an Ewwww factor than horror now. I can tell I'm a little hypervigilant when I go out. I did get paperwork on a restraining order and I would have to fill it out and set a date to see a judge. My best friend said I am stronger, faster, taller and have more stamina than L, but desperation does weird things to people so careful is the word of the day.

I'm glad you were able to extricate yourself from that guy a second time around.
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Default Mar 31, 2020 at 11:33 AM
  #60
You had not encouraged him romantically, but it escalated to the level it did. I hope he backs off and grows to understand you never had feelings for him, and he accepts it.

I did have a relationship, but then I decided it wasn’t working and broke it off.

I think a ‘normal’ person feels hurt when broke up with, but doesn’t angrily stalk and harass, accepts it, and moves on. I know I handled it that way when I got dumped. I cried, accepted it, felt hurt and angry, and left them alone. This emotional violence is scary.

I was worried he would come after me physically. Luckily, no man ever has physically hurt me (except one smacked me across the face once, another story where I acted stupidly).

Ignoring the red flags was important for you to reflect upon. Why did you choose to not notice them? Why did I think his saying things that showed he was delusional were okay? I told myself it would be okay? Why?

After psychotherapy, it has been bantered around that it is I who has a personality disorder. It is because of relationship dynamics like I’m talking about here that got me the diagnosis. I’ll admit, there was something lacking in me as to why I picked up with people I knew would not be good for me. I married someone I thought seemed so good for me, but this struggle has been the worst. There’s something wrong with me when it comes to intimacy. Therapy never helped. I’m more confused and dysfunctional now than ever.

Even this guy we speak about, he occasionally friend requests me on facebook after I blocked him ten years ago. I just let it haunt me.

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