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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 04:30 AM
  #61
I fear that it will be a long time before he accepts it. The tantrums, sobbing and selfie porn videos have not slackened off, but I do feel better not responding.

I think I went through the normal stages of grief when I had that breakup and it sounds like you did too. It seems like ours don't have that mental program where reality comes into play. I've seen a big lack of empathy with mine and not being able to see things from my perspective. All there is, is his sexual needs and the need to show his family up by having a girlfriend he can show off.

Oh boy, I'm sorry to hear about the violent incident. No one deserves that, not matter how they act. I had something just like that a few years ago where I was accused of not being a good housekeeper.

I have been playing a lot of what I ignored back through my head. When we first started hanging out in our group he was very standoffish. Then, it was stories about how he doesn't trust anyone, especially women. I just listened patiently and encouraged him to make female friends. I could tell that he began relying on my patience and advice more and more. About five months in he said he was starting to trust me and I said, good, you should meet some nice girls. He told me that his only sexual experience with a woman was at 15 and he was forced. It was about the same time that he began driving all of our mutual friends away. That was a red flag. Then, it was that he only trusted me and then the calls to come over because he had a battle with his family and he was thinking of hurting himself or drinking. Then, the increasing demands for my time and attention. By this time I was realizing that I dug a pit for myself and it was going to be hard to extricate. All the time I was just hoping that I was helping a friend.

I do know now that my big failing in this was in trying to out logic him once I realized the pit I was in. At one point, when he was demanding a relationship I told him what it would cost him to be in a relationship with me in terms of expenses and basically how to be an adult. There is no way he could afford an adult relationship since he is broke and unemployed so I figured he would realize that and move on. I even began to act snobby towards him, flaunting money and material things so he would think I was a b and move on. Once, when we went to coffee after some of his outbursts I ordered and I never asked if he wanted anything and I made him watch as I ate and drank and I knew he was hungry. I kept hoping he'd just say, Alice, you're a b and I'm out of here! I'm pretty sure since I even discussed a relationship, he saw it as an in.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through in your relationships. I think I can understand some of what you're going through. Why did psychotherapy put the label on you? I have no problem with physical intimacy, but emotionally I'm very shallow. Between my upbringing and a couple of life altering events I find it difficult to feel, understand and to express deep emotions. My husband frequently calls me the android or the Vulcan.
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Default Apr 01, 2020 at 10:12 AM
  #62
Does this guy know you have a husband and he’s carrying on like this to make you his wife? How did he get so far gone in his own delusional fantasy? This sounds even more dangerous now. Your husband could be in danger.

As for me, it’s a long, confusing story. Basically, we have an intimacy issue in our marriage. It’s not just my problem. I have some issues but they combine with the issues of a few others to make toxic drama. I have anxiety and depression (stemming from the anxiety). Different doctors have given me different diagnoses or none at all.

Overall, I’m okay. Very fortunate tbh.

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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 04:15 AM
  #63
Oh, he does know. He frequently professed that it was a fantasy of his to "cuck" a white guy with a white girl. I confronted him on this and he kind of backtracked, saying that he was joking, but he would still bring it up from time to time. My husband is half Irish, half Japanese. The whole thing about race was really bizarre to me. He'd often refer to me as his "white devil" or his "white angel." One of the many truly odd things about this situation was his entrenched fantasy about cucking some guy, but his desperate fear of "being cucked" himself. He would lose it when I spoke with or especially worked out with other guys, accusing me of "cucking" him. He would use that word in almost every conversation.

Every one of our mutual friends told him to his face that he was delusional. This was after he drove them off and their telling him he was delusional just made him even more entrenched. He would go off on them, telling them that they didn't understand "our perfect love" and that they were jealous of what he and I had. It made him even more proud that he could flaunt a trophy girlfriend to them. It was absolutely stunning. These friends would then tell me that they tried to reason with him to no effect. His dad once told him that my family would treat him like a dog because he is poor and uneducated, but he went off on his dad with the same line. It is true about how my family would treat him, but mostly because of his behavior. On one of his tirades he left me a voicemail, calling me a fkg *****, which I played for my dad. Needless to say, he is no longer welcome around my parents.

I think you're right about my husband. The two of them got into it once shortly before L got arrested. He was at our place, gaming, and he started professing his undying, perfect love for me and tried to kiss me. That was a wtf moment and I backed away. He lost it, shouting that I was not to ignore him so my husband came in and the two went at it. L just began insulting my husband and so we ordered him out and he's never been back.

If I might ask, is it about closeness in the relationship? I'm so sorry about the drama. I can certainly empathize as my world has been drama for months now.

Thank you and blessings to you.
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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 02:18 PM
  #64
No, we’re very close. The relationship is great as partners, as friends, even as lovers when we get it right. It’s the initiation of intimacy. It’s incompatibility, but we don’t give up, so we are working through it. It’s been a struggle for a long time. I am not sure how much is the component of anxiety disorders within the both of us. But, it’s been me seeking out answers from doctors and education, looking at myself with a critical eye, even taking a lot of meds now. I’m not sure how much of it is really my problem and how much is really his. It’s very confusing. I’m not sure I have any illness at all or if I do and that’s the problem.

I do have a history of similar romantic relationships that were great, then usually it was me that ended it for the same reasons. However, I was 26 when I met my husband and that was it for physical experiences with others. One of the traits of BPD is difficult relationships. Well, I’ve had some that are and others that are not difficult at all and have lasted nicely forever...so, the problem is not with me across the board.

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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #65
This sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie. I'm dealing with a similar situation except he is more of a narcissist, curious to know if you were able to get rid of him in a safe manner, meaning does he still harass you by making you feel like it is you who makes him do the things he does, because obviously it not.
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Default Apr 10, 2020 at 06:23 AM
  #66
You know, you're right! It was one of those, too bizarre to be fiction experiences. I kept telling myself, no way. This can't be real...he's kidding me.

Sorry you're going through that. Is it stalkerish too? I think mine had a lot of narcissism too. I told him and his therapist that he is the most arrogant person I know and that includes fighter pilots, doctors and lawyers. I told him once that he had to have something to be arrogant about. When I was starting to bite back after his tirades, I told him that an average looking guy with no job, no money, no education, living in his parents basement shouldn't be this arrogant. I think it's been two weeks since I interacted with him. I'm still getting the tsunami of calls, texts, emails and videos from him. My voice mail has been full for weeks now. It's still the ferris wheel of lovey dovey sweet murmurs, screaming rantfests, sobbing blubbering and back to endless love in a couple of hours. Sprinkle in liberal doses of selfie porn and him begging for sex and the picture is complete.

I was pursuing a TRO, but courts are mostly closed and only heard "big" cases.

Oh yeah, it's still all my fault. He does apologize, but it's always with the caveat that I made him do it. If you would only reply, I wouldn't have X. If you only kissed me, I wouldn't have Y. If you only gave me the sex I deserve, I wouldn't have Z.

I did have a great session with my counselor last weekend, which gave me insight into how I get into these situations. My marriage is a mess right now and it's a roller coaster and always has been. I tend to get very flirty with others when the relationship reaches low points. It seems to be my way to still feel wanted and also to get back at my husband for the way I feel he treats me. Flirty banter is also prevalent at work and I do indulge. I see it as innocent, but L took it to heart. I'm also quite open about my sexuality and I can see now how L picked up on that as an opening. In spite of my limited emotional range I am very nurturing and L is about the most needy person I have ever known. For months I almost always came running when he was hurting.

When he became stalkerish I went from nurturing to rather sarcastic and passive-aggressive. With his family history of abuse he saw my increasingly mean behavior as love, fitting what he understood family to be. I was dumbfounded by this as everyone else would have had it with me and ran for the hills. I have a unique skill of frustrating overly aggressive people to the point where they want nothing to do with me.

Well, this has been a hard education for me on personality. If it does become a lifetime movie, I'll have to get Mia Kirschner to play me. I'm told we could be twins.
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Default Apr 11, 2020 at 02:27 PM
  #67
Hang in there. You've got the strength to persevere.

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Default Apr 11, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #68
Can you block him on your phone?
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 05:09 AM
  #69
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Can you block him on your phone?
Oh, I did three times now and blocked his email too, but within a day I get something new from him from a different number or email. Even on XBox, he has multiple accounts from which to text me.

I just put everything from him on mute so I don't get an alert and I just read it and wince later. I'm hoping his fire of love just burns itself out at some point. Our mutual friends are keeping a distant eye on him to make sure he doesn't try to head my way. I did hear through the grapevine that he stormed out on his bicycle and some dog chased him and he crashed and broke the wheel rim so at least I know he can't bike over.
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Default Apr 16, 2020 at 12:53 PM
  #70
Why after you blocked him and put him on mute did you go back and read his messages? (Yes I did just read this entire thread.)

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Default Apr 16, 2020 at 02:16 PM
  #71
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Why after you blocked him and put him on mute did you go back and read his messages? (Yes I did just read this entire thread.)
I have to admit both to finding some entertainment value and that I do still care about his well being in spite of everything. I guess I have to chock it up to some Stockholm Syndrome where I end up caring about the hostage taker.

Other than that, I'm still incognito with him but he did approach a friend of mine with the intent on having her intervene on his behalf. She was never sympathetic towards him to begin with so that didn't go well.
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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 07:26 PM
  #72
Are there any concerns about violent or threatening behavior towards your friends who don't assist him? Or is he fixated on you?

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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 04:58 AM
  #73
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Are there any concerns about violent or threatening behavior towards your friends who don't assist him? Or is he fixated on you?
He is definitely fixated on me. Early on, we tried to set him up with a single girl (which would have been a disaster and thank God it didn't go anywhere) who would likely have been a better match personality wise. He wouldn't even meet her, saying that he was extremely picky. Which was strange since she just wanted to settle down and was a very passive person, which he frequently said that he wanted that in a woman. I could not and still cannot grasp the fixation since I am everything that he does not want.

And it was weird that he approached that friend of mine since she has made it clear that he is not wanted in our circle and that she despises him. It's like this, "I want what I can't have and is not right for me, but I don't want what I should have and would be good for me."

I perused the 341 messages that were sent since Wednesday, complete with begging, sobbing, giggling and selfie porn. It's like a comical train wreck. I can't look away.
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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 10:41 PM
  #74
Has it abated at all or is 340 some messages par for the course of four days?

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 03:45 AM
  #75
That's a little slower than usual. A couple hundred a day was normal. It is like the "peeking between my fingers cringe." For a guy with no formal education beyond 10th grade he is smart and he's found a ton of workarounds to my blocking. Fortunately it seems like texting is all he does. I've been able to 'silent' his phone calls and send them straight to my full voicemail so that they don't disturb me. From a clinical perspective, the emotional dysregulation is fascinating. I have never seen anything like it. I think I mentioned that I did not know it was possible to be sobbing and sexually aroused at the same time. But, I have video proof of that. :P

Not responding has become a source of serenity for me. I'm use to it now and comfortable with it. I am in kind of a zen spot for the moment. I went to the range on Wednesday and threw 500 rounds of 5.56 and 100 rounds of 9x19 downrange for training and today was all kendo/iaido for super focus. I feel good and I thank everyone for the support and advice.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 05:22 AM
  #76
I was chatting with my two best friends about the miasma and I brought up the girl that we tried to set L up with half a year ago. They reminded me that L just went off on me about that. That should have been a clue. He jumped on my case, saying that I was trying to pawn him off (I was) and then began yelling at me that he "only went after white girls" and that girls of other races weren't interesting to him. He reiterated that several times in the "conversation." "I only go after white girls, Alice! You know this! Only white girls!" He's Hispanic.

Anyhow, I had a good session with my counselor again. We did not get to my marriage, which is still a mess, but we did look more at why I wind up with chaotic people like L in my life. A good part of it is that I don't like hurting people I've formed a bond with no matter how toxic they are with me. Oddly, I was great with "hit the road Jack" one liners in my night clubbing days, but I knew that was peer pressure and that was not me.
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 03:01 AM
  #77
Update - I still have not responded, but I admit it's causing me some...discomfort. L has moved from the giggling, screaming, sobbing phase of self destruction to the self harm, cutting himself, punching holes in the walls of his home, throwing himself on the floor and beating the ground in a tantrum amid the trash that he threw all over the place phase of self destruction. I was horrified, but tempted to reach out like I had done to comfort him. I had never seen anything like that, a grown man, flinging himself on the trash covered floor, his face smeared with tears and ketchup, beating his fists on the tiles and screaming at the top of his lungs that this was my fault. I'm hoping this is the phase just before the supernova where the mass of the star just starts burning off. I can't wait until the courts completely reopen. I'm really torn between not wanting him to hurt himself and just wanting him to go away. Just had to vent.
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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 06:30 AM
  #78
Has he sent this to you in a video? Is that how you know? Yikes! His meltdowns are extreme and lasting a long time. Have you gone to the police with the videos? He needs a knock on the door from the police, right in front of his family, with them saying ‘knock off the harassing texts and videos, she’s married!’.

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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 05:59 PM
  #79
Oof, that's hard. I hope this is the end of the escalation as well. Just keep at the forefront of your mind, his actions are not your responsibility, and that responding now would only undo any progress you've made. As annoying as this reminder is after it being reiterated so many times already, still.... I would say I'm sorry for reminding you yet another time, but that would be a lie. Rather, I apologize if it's super annoying at this point. Because I get that.

Stay the course. There's a storm on the horizon, but turning around now won't save you from it, just take you further away from the nearest safe harbor. Better to sail straight through the eye.

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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 07:48 PM
  #80
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Has he sent this to you in a video? Is that how you know? Yikes! His meltdowns are extreme and lasting a long time. Have you gone to the police with the videos? He needs a knock on the door from the police, right in front of his family, with them saying ‘knock off the harassing texts and videos, she’s married!’.
Oh yes. I get dozens of videos a day still, with increasing levels of desperation. It occurred to me, how would he throw a tantrum and be cognizant of setting up the phone to tape it? It's like a kid who's mom walks away and he stops his tantrum and runs back in front of her to start again. The police already intervened once. I'm hoping the courts open more fully soon so I can do a TRO. I was told "only big cases are being heard right now" and unless I'm under an imminent threat I get to wait.

The hundreds of times I told him I was married just made him more determined because it fulfilled his big fantasy. In one of his recent videos he said he enjoyed being abusive towards me so he could get a reaction from me. I have saved that!

I'm keeping my katana close for a while.
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