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quinx
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #1
Hello! I'm new here, but I'm not new to mental illness. I've been to therapy once and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I lied to the therapist 90% of the time (idk why, self manipulation I guess). It's been a couple years now and I've been watching loads of videos and completing a lot of quizzes. At first I thought I was bipolar, because of my mood swings. The more I looked into it, I realized I was missing the manic episodes over a period of days. My mood swings can have me enraged, happy, depressed.... All in the span of a few hours. I have constant anxiety about being abandoned (not as bad as when I was younger) and I have had problems with overeating, self harm, over spending, and engaging in sexual things I know I will later be ashamed of. My self esteem is pretty much non-existent. Every relationship I get into always ends badly. I can go from being deeply in love with someone to losing interest completely. I have trauma that I can't remember, and I feel like I need to work through but I have no idea how. I've never been diagnosed with BPD but everything I've researched has pointed me in that direction.
All these things are really starting to effect my life. It's not as severe as it was even a year ago (thoughts of self harm/suicide aren't as extreme), but if I had actual therapy I think it would help. How do I go about getting therapy when things are hard financially? Once I get therapy, how do I let myself feel these things, and trust a therapist to help me with them? I know you guys don't have all the answers, but some advice (even if it isn't about anything I asked about) would really help.
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guy1111
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 10:09 AM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by quinx View Post
Hello! I'm new here, but I'm not new to mental illness. I've been to therapy once and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I lied to the therapist 90% of the time (idk why, self manipulation I guess). It's been a couple years now and I've been watching loads of videos and completing a lot of quizzes. At first I thought I was bipolar, because of my mood swings. The more I looked into it, I realized I was missing the manic episodes over a period of days. My mood swings can have me enraged, happy, depressed.... All in the span of a few hours. I have constant anxiety about being abandoned (not as bad as when I was younger) and I have had problems with overeating, self harm, over spending, and engaging in sexual things I know I will later be ashamed of. My self esteem is pretty much non-existent. Every relationship I get into always ends badly. I can go from being deeply in love with someone to losing interest completely. I have trauma that I can't remember, and I feel like I need to work through but I have no idea how. I've never been diagnosed with BPD but everything I've researched has pointed me in that direction.
All these things are really starting to effect my life. It's not as severe as it was even a year ago (thoughts of self harm/suicide aren't as extreme), but if I had actual therapy I think it would help. How do I go about getting therapy when things are hard financially? Once I get therapy, how do I let myself feel these things, and trust a therapist to help me with them? I know you guys don't have all the answers, but some advice (even if it isn't about anything I asked about) would really help.
I don't know much about getting financial help for therapy. There is something called "sliding scale" that you could look into.

Therapy has helped me take all my myriad of issues and slowly untangle them. As I begin to name each issue and the feelings they give me, I am able to stop myself when those feelings come back up. Then I can say, "oh, that's just my anger from being hit as a child" then I can go do something healtgy to release the feelings.

My personal opinion, I would focus less on what disorder you might have and more on what you said about letting yourself "feel these things". I would worry less about if I can trust a therapist. They will all have their quirks. It's more about what you put into it. They are just there to guide you as best they can.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of pain and fear in your past. That is very sad. You are taking the right steps to get better, though. You sound like a very intelligent person. Best of luck to you!
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 10:17 AM
  #3
Hi Quinx,

I wish I knew what to say that would help you, but sadly I am at a loss. I can certainly empathize with what you are going through. It must be really stressful and difficult. When I was unable to afford therapy, I was greatly helped by reading self-help books by cognitive behavioral therapists. I found many of these books in libraries and low cost used book stores. Wish I had some better ideas. Hopefully others here will have more helpful advice than mine. You deserve to get the help you need.

I do want to thank you for posting what you did. It helps me and will help so many people from around the world who use these Forums to feel less isolated and alone with their own personal anguish and pain. And that is such a great gift to give others. That alone makes you a heroic person in my eyes. And that fact that you are enduring such uncertainly and suffering in your own life also makes you heroic to my way of thinking. It takes a lot of moral courage to endure the things you are enduring. I think you are a person of great substance and moral stature because of it and I can only look up to you. Those who have never endured what you described can never understand what heroism it takes to endure such things.

I wish you only good things and want to thank you again for what you posted here! -- Yao Wen
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Default Mar 22, 2020 at 01:29 PM
  #4
Hi Quinx,
I can relate to your situation. I am diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and on the Bipolar II scale. I know I am BPD. It fits too well. Regardless of the diagnoses, I was in a deep depression for months before I dumped a therapist who could not help me and got a new therapist. I am not sure what can help you with the financial burden for a therapist. It is very hard when you don't have the means to see one. Have you checked into teletherapy? It may be more cost effective. I hope you find some help. I also hope that you don't feel so alone here. I am sure there are more people who have similar experiences. Welcome to the forum!

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Default May 04, 2020 at 08:03 PM
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