Going through my head daily

I don't think that I will or am able to achieve my career goals anymore. I believe most people who know me have accepted this, but just don't say anything of it because I am sensitive. I think I am the only one still struggling to let go of the idea that I can achieve my goals.

I'm struggling more and more with self-discipline as I get older. As a child and teenager I didn't struggle at all, but simple things are becoming increasingly difficult. I know that's depression, but I don't know how to get out of it - it's been years now. I know I'm supposed to just keep trying until I get out of it, but I'm scared because even on the days I try I fail at the basic tasks I try.

I worked my butt off when I was at varsity, I burned out over and over again - and have nothing to show for it, while others just eased through everything and achieved amazing work. I learnt then that hard work does not always magically equal results and now I struggle to take the risk considering all the pain it puts me through. But I also know that no work achieves nothing at all.

I think about just staying at home for the rest of my life doing fun things with my husband, like playing video-games, eating tasty food, watching things, etc. But I don't really feel satisfied by it and it feels bitter-sweet.

I felt much better about life and about myself when I was actually achieving things. But achieving things, after all those failed years in school given where I am in life right now feels like a childish pipe-dream. If I had the capacity for it, I would have achieved it by now. If not my goal what am I supposed to do with my life?

I don't really have any employable skills at this point, and my emotional and social ability is severely lacking. I should work on those things, I know.

Deep down I'm terrified of having to get a job. Getting a job means I've given up - it's the last nail in the coffin. I don't see myself going back once I get a job.

As time runs out I've been thinking a lot about having a child and becoming a stay-at-home-mom, because I believe with all the failures I've had in my life I should be able to raise someone much better than myself and guide them so they can avoid those same failures. But biologically it is unlikely that I will be able to do even that, as well.

At no point am I saying they need to do what I couldn't in the career I wanted, but maybe I can raise them to be better, stronger people than I am. But I'm scared I fail at that as well and just create another generation of myself.

I don't publicly tell people that I've given up, this is the closest I've come. But I'm not actively doing enough to achieve the success in the career I want anymore, and time is running out daily.

I still try, on days when I feel okay, simple things but I always fail at them - not mostly fail, always fail, every time. For the past 8 years I've been always failing in every aspect of life.

I can't bring myself to stop believing and trying though, everyone already thinks I'm a loser so if I don't pep-talk myself and believe in myself - even if it is a pipe-dream and I realistically know I'm not doing enough fast enough, if I stop encouraging myself I will give up. I don't want to give up.

I don't want to accept that I'm not good enough. I know it deep down, but I don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept that everything I spent my teenage years and young-adult life on was a waste, because I'm too weak or slow or stupid or lazy and that as a result I have to settle for a mediocre life. Because accepting those things means an end to meaningful existence. Not that my existence is meaningful now, but I'm sure it's not as bad as it will be if I really really give up.

Inside myself, deep down, I know I've already given up and it makes me deeply depressed. But I can't say it to other people yet, and I can't entirely accept it myself. My entire childhood I built myself around one day becoming more than just a woman and achieving my goals, but in the end I'm not even good enough to be just a woman. I'm like a child living in my husband's house. Unable to really move forward. I hate myself so much, but I keep wasting time. I keep not doing the things I know I need to do because I'm always tired and wasting time feels less tiring, but I know I'll only ever feel not tired again if I actually do something. And it loops around like this day after day.

I try talking to my mother about it but she just sends me emojis and ignores it. I talk to my husband all the time but he doesn't know what to do and it takes a massive toll on him too.

I wish some all-knowing sage could drop-down and just tell me what I need to do to be guaranteed a fulfilling life and meaningful existence beyond any doubt or fear.

Welcome to PC.
I hope you find support and information that will help you define and reach your goals.
I do wonder why getting a job would be giving up. It could be a good thing if you keep it simple; something to give some structure, time & exposure to people, ideas, things you might use in your career of choice. Practically, it would give you some financial independence that could help you to feel more like a grown up in your own world.
Do not dismiss your goals....if it is a creative endeavor, workshops or events that involve others with similar interests can be helpful (if you don't start comparing and downing yourself)--- if you can, would you share the goal you set for yourself?

It's video-game design and development. I studied it for 3 years before I dropped out, then I studied computer science for a year before I dropped out again, then a psychologist told me I should go back and finish video-game design because everything went off from there - I went back and dropped out again before the first semester ended. I have some courses at home that I'm working on but my progress with them is on-and-off, and if I've been gone for too long I restart.

I'm scared if I get a job I'll get stuck in it, because it'll be easier to stay in that job than go after pipe-dream dreams.

Maybe video design just isn't for you. How about graphic design or something similar?