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cc1201
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Default Apr 27, 2020 at 01:46 AM
  #1
hi, everyone, first post here.

currently dealing with a pretty sub-optimal situation. me and a friend started talking, caught feelings, and i got too attached (anyone really surprised?). things didn't work out, and i spent the next few weeks with the friendship in a constant downward spiral. (she took my desire for closeness as wanting a relationship, which it was not. not sure if this is that "FP" thing i see talked about a lot because i have only very recently been trying to look into my seemingly perpetual relationship and work issues)

over the fallout of this (about a week) i scrambled to try and retain any aspect of the intimacy and belonging i felt having her as a constant presence in my life.

throughout that, i'm pretty sure in retrospect i was splitting on her very badly, trying to idolize her and salvage the intimacy for the first week and a half. this occurred about a week later, and she sent her friends on twitter to go harass my profile about every interaction we had had in the past. at this point, i think i began to demonize her, as i went out of my way to find her entire friend group on twitter (in addition to the ones harassing me) and block them (not her). then, i set my twitter to private.

now, the problem doesn't end with that interaction. we share an online friend group, and i went out of my way to avoid being in calls and such with her to prevent future fights that would inevitably happen. then, after i asked a friend if i should just unadd her (after screenshotting the page on snapchat that shows the option to remove friend), because keeping her around was causing too much emotional pain, she ended up removing me.

i ended up blocking her on all social media, complaining about her with her ex, and telling one of my friends that i was pretty sure she cheated on her ex, which instantly got back to her. she made me go into a one-on-one call and i completely shut down -- i don't even remember what was said beyond some imagined exaggerated version in my head.

we tried creating a sub-section of the server with only the circle of friends i was close with, and her (and her closer friends) found out and harassed us until we deleted that sub-section and kicked her out of that server entirely (at the direction of two of my friends who also owned the server). note, this friend group has 3 different servers we are all generally members of, so i left one of the other servers to give her a space without me as well. looking back on messages with some of my friends regarding the situation, i bounced back and forth between completely understanding why things didn't work, and talking about extremes like "hating every fiber of her being" and how "she ruined everything i thought i was"

at this point, i'm generally neutral on her, and would honestly prefer to go to a "never speak again" situation in group calls and such. how do i go about explaining these behaviors? after some consultation with professionals it's clear that this is behavior that aligns heavily with borderline tendencies, and i have no idea how to apologize for my behavior, or even begin to redeem a moderate friendship, without "outing" myself as potentially having these borderline traits. i just feel stuck. don't really know what to do.

and please don't comment telling me i was just in the wrong -- i know i was.
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Smile May 02, 2020 at 03:40 PM
  #2
I'm sorry you had all of this difficulty. Honestly... I wouldn't know what to suggest in the way of how to apologize. But I noticed no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would with the hope that other PC members may yet read it & have some suggestions to offer. On the other hand, it's been several days now since you posted this. Perhaps the situation has changed since then... or even resolved itself?

Toward the end of your post you wrote you are now neutral on this person & would prefer to go to a "never speak again" situation in group calls & such. So perhaps the best thing here may simply be to let bygones be bygones, as the saying goes, & forget about the need to apologize? Although you may feel apologizing is the right thing to do, it may just end up rekindling the whole dispute. Many years ago, my father used to say: discretion is the better part of valor. It may be best to simply let it all go & move on. At least that is my thinking with regard to your post. Best wishes...

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Default Jun 16, 2020 at 04:57 PM
  #3
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