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Old 09-30-2015, 10:12 PM #1
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Default What crazy things have you done for binge food?

I've done tons of disturbing things to get food only to throw it up. I've stolen, pawned jewelry, lied about why I needed money. It's so hard to deal with knowing it's all going down the drain, but we do it anyway.


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Old 10-01-2015, 09:37 AM #2
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?



............................... yep RxQueen, that's the nature of our illness hunny ~~ we do it anyways and we always end up promising ourselves we won't do it again but who are we tryin' to kid? It's playing with fire and no matter how much we get badly burnt, we play the nasty destructive disgusting game. That's how we see ourselves on the whole, disgusting, but that's only because we feel alone, ashamed and think we are the only ones doing this consume/up~chuck etc. I'd be devastated if I thought my friends or even distant friends knew what I do, and from start to finish, the whole prolonged procedure which takes up a great deal of time, not to mention, as you said MONEY. Usually money which we don't have, but how could we explain where the money goes?? Oh and of course there's the shop assistant who serves us all this multi~buy stuff. ''oh it's for the kids'' says us, or ''oh it's a birthday party'' depending on whether it's loads of carbs or chocolate, or even the best quick fry steak'' I KNOW my ED will go to the grave with me, I've been hospitalised a number of times, they just couldn't get through. That all started at 19 years old, now in 56 and STILL doing crazy things to prevent weight gain and try and make myself feel better.
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Old 10-03-2015, 10:54 PM #3
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

I feel so ashamed and disappointed by the lows I've stooped to. I've had three major bulimia episodes each lasting years. The second time I was stealing food regularly from supermarkets so blatantly I can only assume there were either bigger thieves in the stores at the time or they just felt sorry for me (I was that thin I must have looked like a poverty stricken child) as I only ever got caught twice. I'm still banned from a certain store nearly 10 years later and although I don't do that anymore (I'm in my third bout or second relapse at the moment) I'm far too ashamed to ask for forgiveness and if I can please go back to the store.

I'm now in a position where I can't really afford to be bulimic, but that never seems to stop any of us...I will sit by the reduced food aisle where the freezing cold chillers sit and wait for hours for the foods to be reduced as it's only then I can afford them.

I have been known to go through the large industrial sized communal bins for the many flats in my block to look for my old bins because I remembered (when I had been in the right frame of mind) that there were foods I threw out because I wanted to stop myself binging that night/the next day. I've been really ill after having done that a few times.

I've walked past food or sandwich type shops who have left bins outside in the street to be collected and tried to see if there were food items inside the bins- once having taken food from their bins. I've scraped mould from the foods I have, tried ignore the taste when eating something obviously not good anymore, I've wasted my grandmothers inheritance. (That last one for me is the worst and overshadows just about everything else).

I could go on...I'm still trying to change and cut out the bulimia. I wont stop trying because the idea of just living with it would knock me over the edge and I don't think I'd be able to tolerate continuing to wake up every day if I knew I wasn't trying to change things. I have recovered twice before but it's not easy and my set up has been different each time. This time I'm living alone and struggling with so many other life-issues I didn't have before, and I'm a whole lot more wary about weight gain as I have had bad experiences with recovery and gaining weight I didn't anticipate...I'm just trying to take it one hour at a time most of the time but it's so exhausting!

You'd think the shame and disgust over the things I do would be enough to stop, crazily though it does the opposite- bulimia is the way I seem to deal with feelings I struggle to live with when I get to the point where those feelings have overshadowed just about everything else in my life and I've stopped caring about myself or my life because I feel like such a terrible person and nothing can be fixed and I've got nothing to offer anyone and I am a waste of space...no matter what CBT I've been taught or told, when you're alone in the dead of night and anxious and low and you've spent all your energy trying to drag yourself through the day, things just rise up and grasp at your neck and I lose my battle. I feel like a failure. Which then feeds further in to things....still trying to get through this but as I said; it's not easy. It's like a carefully constructed balancing act in a hurricane.
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Old 10-04-2015, 06:59 PM #4
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

So many hugs to you BlueGreen. I can relate. There are a dozen things I could say that are equal or worse than what you did. And I agree, the shame I feel about how I acted makes me feel so terrible about myself that the cycle continues. So far, I've strung together 2 days w/o purging, in who knows how long. Every time I set a rule for myself, I wind up breaking it. But I feel like I have to create rules or things will be even worse, assuming that was possible.
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Old 10-04-2015, 09:14 PM #5
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201 View Post
So many hugs to you BlueGreen. I can relate. There are a dozen things I could say that are equal or worse than what you did. And I agree, the shame I feel about how I acted makes me feel so terrible about myself that the cycle continues. So far, I've strung together 2 days w/o purging, in who knows how long. Every time I set a rule for myself, I wind up breaking it. But I feel like I have to create rules or things will be even worse, assuming that was possible.
You've said so much of how it feels for me too- I feel like I live my life under a rule book- it's exhausting! I have both anorexia and bulimia (though at the moment my weight isn't in the anorexic range and seems to be going up for reasons I do not understand, even after 18 years of one or the other disorder!)
I have recovered from bulimia before- it can be done. It's just not easy. I use that to help keep myself going and hacking at what feels like a massive daily mountain. (Sounds pretty depressing, feels pretty depressing!). I go through bouts where I do so well, but then the exhaustion creeps up on me and I lose it all.

I spent 9 months in treatment, it wasn't overnight so we'd go home each day and so I never really managed more than a handful of bulimia free days because I couldn't tolerate eating and then going home and still needing to eat more. I was also not sleeping and trying to keep my exercise going but still in check. I felt all over the place. It was almost a given that it wouldn't work out. I left and felt so ashamed and fed up with myself I managed 5 day stretches each week...before I landed myself in a neurotic exhausted state, and lost it all. I'm still scrabbing to get something back. I managed 3-4 days a week last month but this month seems not so good. I feel so huge- my weight went up despite actually restricting further on my apparently-"not enough" diet and it's just too difficult to not cave in. So far this month I've not managed a single day and can't see how I manage to pick myself up. I just feel disgusted with myself for gaining weight or when losing weight (through bulimia) feel ashamed. I exercise; my weight goes up (without eating more...still don't get that!) I cut back in food; I land myself an appetite I can't seem to bypass and gain weight...I guess I should be grateful I've had any grip at all on my weight even if it's through ill means.

What I wanted to say though- was that there is always a chance that things can improve. Even if you manage a single day it's a plus. It's money saved, it's teeth saved, it's a day's break and a step closer to getting a better hold on things. It wont all change overnight (in my case it wont even change over a year!) but I know it can be done and I can say has been done. Although I don't have the same set-up as before so it's not as "easy" to stop (not that it could be described as easy by a long stretch!) I do know it's possible, and the rule book thing gets easier to live with if you get into a pattern and a system. It's probably not the right way of doing things. Someone once told me if you have to try too hard at anything your doing it the wrong way, but I think if you want something hard enough, and keep hacking at it, you might not reach what you want but you will be closer than if you hadn't tried at all and that has got to be better than not changing anything.

2 days is massive- it's fantastic- its also going some to have not managed that many days in so long too. It always feels terrifying the first time in a long time when I do something like that. The idea of "feeling the fear and doing it anyway" usually gives me murderous feelings in response! It's not impossible, it just feels that way. Keep your head up and your feet on the floor.
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Old 10-04-2015, 09:41 PM #6
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

"What I wanted to say though- was that there is always a chance that things can improve."

That's the part that kills me. I did really well for a year. Now I've opened @#$#$ Pandora's box of horrific traumas and I'm a mess. Tonight I've eaten beyond what I should, tho not binged or purged, but what I really want to do is hurt myself. I am so disgusted by myself. My anxiety is so high righgt now that purging seems mild compared to what I want to do. The only thing keeping me sane right now is I have 3 pets asleep on the couch next to me, and I don't want to distrub thhem. How sick is that. I care way more about them than I do me.

Murderous feelings. LoVVE that.

Sorry typing and thinking are all over the place. Trying to remain calm.

Failed at being calm. Better luck next time. Need another rule about htat I geuss.
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Old 10-05-2015, 06:12 AM #7
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

Hello to you dear people. Oh YES YES YES, I sooooooooooooooo feel for you, I'm one of you, we are each one of us struggling to survive in this anxiety ridden world which even haunts us in our sleep. I'm ashamed at whats been happening of late, it's disgusting, like messing up my bed because of the laxative abuse, ugg. This is the result of more than 30 years of various ED's. Im diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, Atypical anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, OCD, General anxiety and horrible depressions. I actually can't believe I started all this **** at around 19 years old and I'm now 56!!!! At present I'm what appears to be ''normal'' weight, maybe some would say the low end of ''normal'' weight, but to stay like this I have to do awful stuff to my body. My whole family are well built, short fat and apple shaped, I'm fighting family genes/DNA ~~ well that's how I feel anyways. I hate it when the bulimia binging kicks in because like you've said, money is a huge issue and YES, I wait freezing my **** off in the chilled isle in the supermarkets waiting for mark downs. I used to be addicted to sugary sweet gunk and carbs but now I seem to vere toward savory salted things. I try not to eat meat, purely as I love my animals, but even that goes out of the window often if all I can get or afford is meat. Because of my money issues I make absolutely sure I feed my large Waggie dog proper meat (not dog food) first, before myself.
I've taken to wearing kids ''sleepover'' padded nappies (dipers) as I'm terrified of having a lose of bowels whilst I'm out of the house. I have been very thin when I was anorexic and also I've been hospitalised around 5 times, some because of anorexia, others for suicide attempts. I can't, really CAN'T afford to be in hospital now because my dear Dad passed away a few months back and there's nobody to look after my big doggie. At present the landlord of this house I've lived in for 42 years are taking me to county court to get me out, I'll be on the street as I have no where to go BUT, I am under the emergency housing association, though they are trying to make me get rid of my doggie and then they will house me, but I've really stood my ground. I've even told them I'd rather die than let my dog go. All this is so very stressful and is making my eating, or non eating 100 times worse. I self harm, that's nothing new, I've started drinking again which I stopped for 5 years, I have slipped back into taking mild narcotics because they take my hunger away, god I'm a mess. I'm so very relieved I have you all to talk to, I could NEVER say any of this outside this site. LOVE and take care my friends. XXXXXXXXX
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Old 10-05-2015, 05:08 PM #8
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

Oh Waggie. My heart breaks for you too. Are you getting help to halt the slide into chaos? You are symptomatic on so many levels that I truly hope the answer is yes. I know that money is very tight. I don't do 12 step programs b/c I'm lazy, but one advantage is they are usually are free.

Or PM me. I'm also an old-timer; battling ED for 35 years. Not to say it is always the same level of horrific. There are ups & downs. Most recent inpatient stay was 2011 and I had 1 med hosp b/c of my bulimia. Still, I'm much better than I was 4 yrs ago.
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Old 10-06-2015, 04:38 PM #9
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Hi there Shaggy and thankyou soooooooooo very much for your response. YES, OMG, I can't believe that I've spent so so many year being a total slave to my ED's, I'm almost ashamed, nobody really knows what I do to stay slim, wish with all my heart I could say ''thin'', but for some reason even though I don't eat hardly anything, I don't loose weight, makes me so so angry. To a small degree I do share a small amount of my ED with a close old school friend of 45 years, but only because she has really problematic OCD's. Nothing to do with eating but she's not shocked in any way. There's absolutely NO WAY I could now go out and eat in a restaurant, I'd feel so self conscious and watching what everybody else was eating according to their size!!! I even check out peoples baskets in the supermarket to see what they are buying according to their size, ******* nuts or what eh??? Anyways hunny, sending you BIG HUGS and a hell of a lot more LOVE, as ever. Carol and darling love of my life ''Waggie~dog'' XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Old 07-02-2016, 06:22 AM #10
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Default Re: What crazy things have you done for binge food?

raided bins for food,lied about needing money
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