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Old 12-30-2018, 11:53 PM   #1
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TheEbonyEwe wishes she was invisible.
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Default RELAPSED after 22 Years!

Haven't been to psychcentral in a while. Decided to come back to get help in here. I was severely Bulimic back in 1996. Long story. I got counseling, kicked the habit and eventually quit. Haven't purged in 22 years. Won't go into why, and all that. You all know why and how it goes.

Anyway, since July, I have lost 56 pounds on the Code Red lifestyle. I've struggled with my weight all my life thinking being thin will make me happy, right? Well, I'm in a size 6 pant now (never been this small) and I'm still not happy. I feel better. No more sleep apnea, got rid of my reflux and healed my vocal chords from proper nutrition.

However, over Christmas, I heard someone mention something about not being able to vomit food up if they gorge on dinner. That triggered me like a sob! I don't know what snapped in my brain...maybe I was wanting holiday treats so bad and I was tired of craving it and seeing it EVERYWHERE. I have no idea what it was....but I just caved and said, "yeah! I can have just this one get it all out of my system! One day. I haven't done this in a long time. I'll be ok! I GOT THIS."

I didn't have squat! I didn't have all.

Here it is, three weeks later and I can barely go two days without binging and purging now. I am hooked back on Bulimia like a crack head after 22 years of being purge free. The urge to cheat and eat what I want without gaining is just too strong. I don't know what happened. I wasn't really hungry. I didn't need to eat all that junk. I just wanted to, cause it was fun and tasted good.

Now I gotta go back to therapy and start this whole crap all over again. SO disappointed in myself that it got this bad again. UGH.
Higher functioning autism (Aspie)
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Old 01-01-2019, 06:38 PM   #2
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Default Re: RELAPSED after 22 Years!

Im right there with you. I binged and purged for the first time in years a little over a month ago. It was awful! I am constantly preoccupied about my weight. I really thought Id be over this by now... Im ashamed. Ive been in a binging/restricting cycle since.
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