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Default Jan 04, 2020 at 10:13 PM
  #1
Let me start at the beginning. I was bulimic in high school due to bullying and my mom, dad, and stepdad kept harassing me about how heavy I was. My weight at the time was 160-180lbs. I started binging and purging for about 6 months or so-until my mom got me psychiatric help and he put me on Prozac. I lost 35lbs or more and weighed about 110-115 when I was taking Prozac.

I moved into my own apartment in 2017 and was ordering food delivery online multiple times a day and everyday for that matter. I gained the weight and was back to about 160-180lbs. I stopped taking Prozac in 2014, because my psychiatrist was on medical leave and I refused to take anymore meds or see another psychiatrist.

About May 2018 or so, I became bulimic again at 29. I was throwing up in the employee bathrooms at work and people knew it was me, but I kept denying it. Fast forward to March 2019 and I agreed to get psychiatric help again. She prescribed Zoloft and Trazodone for me. My new psychiatrist, coworkers, supervisors, job coach, mother, therapist, and whoever else were interrogating me about being bulimic. I kept saying no and obviously they don't believe me.

The Zoloft hasn't stopped me from being bulimic, but it is helping me lose weight and having diarrhea at work. I took more than 10 sick days off from work last year and it's because of the effect Zoloft has on my digestive system. My most recent weight check at the psychiatrist was 110lbs, but before that I was 107.8lbs or more. I just remember being between 107.8-110lbs.

In 2018 I was experiencing mood swings, because of the bulimia. I didn't tell my job coach, coworkers or supervisors that I was bulimic in high school, but my psychiatrist and therapist knows about this. I started eating healthy in 2018, 2019, and 2020. I was drinking milk multiple times a day and it was making me have diarrhea, but so was the chocolate and dairy products I ate. I cut those out of my lifestyle and still had diarrhea at work and wherever. Turns out diarrhea is a side effect of Zoloft and I let my psychiatrist know about it. I like the way Zoloft makes me feel mentally and emotionally-not really physically, but I do like the fact it is helping me to lose weight.

My jeans and stuff were too tight on me, so in 2018 I relapsed back into my old ways-meaning bulimia. I still eat pounds of food in one sitting, throw it up, and then throw them out in the garbage. Thankfully the vomiting hasn't destroyed my teeth or gave me cavities or whatever else, because my dental checkups have been absolutely no cavities. I haven't had a cavity since 2010, because my teeth got drilled and he put a tarp on my mouth to prevent debris from getting into my throat and mouth.

That is my story with bulimia, binging, and purging. If you went through it at any point in your life or are going through it right now, please share your story with me.
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Smile Jan 05, 2020 at 03:53 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Eating disorders are, thankfully, one thing I have not had to deal with. But I wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you well...

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Default Jan 08, 2020 at 02:10 AM
  #3
That is the vicious cycle, isn't it?
Recovery, weight gain, relapse. It is hard to keep a good balance. I am struggling with this as well, lately. I went from a low weight to..well, a lot more. I am watched a lot, however. My fiance seems to have a sixth sense for when I am falling in to the cycle, and while he doesn't say anything, he hovers and makes it difficult to do so. Strangely, this does help?

One thing that did help me was the book "Brain over binge". She mentions in it something along the line of "What happens if you do not binge?" "What happens if you don't eat that?" She goes on to say that it is like a roller coaster, it will feel uncomfortable for a little while, but thats it. Nothing will happen if you do not eat that bad food. This 'nothing' is a lot better than the purge, right?
I have to keep telling myself this.
I am teetering on binging and being unable to purge so I end up purging through long hours at the gym or hard restrictive days.
This relapse will be the third time since high school, so I feel you.

Last edited by CANDC; Jan 08, 2020 at 06:15 PM.. Reason: Remove numbers from Eating Disorder thread
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Heart Mar 01, 2020 at 01:27 PM
  #4
The very first time I purged I smelt of sick straight after I Would just see how much I could get outta my tummy,if I seen the green puke than I would stop and take a drink.After a few years I was a pro @ it and became very addictive -eat-vomit-eat-vomit than I would only eat high calorific foods that was easy to get out of my tummy.For over 10years I struggled with my weight after being anorexic.My friend in care was 112lbs and I was 112 aswell but my muscle weighed more than my fat,. I still get stressed and vomit but it hasn't been serious in the last year 2020.Im in IP at the moment and they make sure I don't over eat by covering food up after dinner so than I can't over eat.Giving me meds for when am stressed out.Im the most happiest when It doesn't involve food.You can PM any time

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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 10:26 AM
  #5
Hey,

Thank you for sharing your story. I've been dealing with Bulimia for 5 years now. In these 5 years, I've had periods of "recovery" and relapse. Recovery meaning I was forced to stop by my family. Right now I'm in a relapse. Bulimia started for me when I was in my early 20's after 6 years of serious binge eating. I had eaten my way up to 300+ lbs. When I started purging (while I was in college) I lost 70lbs and people started to compliment me. I could not bear to tell them the truth of what I was actually doing to myself. I went back home for a break and continued to purge and lose more weight. That's when my mom found food in the sink in one of the bathrooms I used to purge. She confronted me about it and then locked the bathroom so I couldn't be sick anymore. I went back to college and purged more and lost more weight and then I started binging again without purging and gained some of the weight back. Fast forward to Halloween of last year, I relapsed after experiencing so much self-hatred after I was triggered into remembering the abuse I experienced as a child. Since then I lost a bunch of weight (not underweight though) and tried to recover and gained a lot of weight back and now I'm close to my second "lowest" weight because I've been purging and fasting. This whole cycle is exhausting but also so addicting. Binging and purging really does make me forget all the pain I'm experiencing. It numbs me. Weight loss is just a symptom and our body is so easy to focus on rather than the things that are hurting us.


I hope you're doing okay and staying as safe as you can. Much love I relapsed and everybody knows it

Last edited by MALmic26; Jun 23, 2020 at 11:08 AM..
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Default Jun 23, 2020 at 11:15 AM
  #6
MALmic26 brings up a good point. Odds are this isn't just about weight. You're trying to deal with your pain in the way some people turn to alcohol or drugs. Maybe therapy to address the root cause of the pain would be helpful.
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Default Aug 22, 2020 at 04:32 AM
  #7
Hi im 17 and i think i've had to deal with this- please let me know if im just thinking stuff. So recently my sister died- we werent really all that close but we were related and i was just shocked that this has happened. I still can't believe it and it's only been 3 months barely- and i've seen her in her deathbed. After i said goodbye i got home and all i thought was that i had to face the facts- my sister is dead. gone. forever. there is so many things we missed out on that we could have done, like talk about our first kisses, how we lost our virginitys, taught me how to drive like- i jus cant believe it. I watch crime shows all the time.. and it's in my life- but anyways since i got home from seeing her i felt queasy. And i have bad anxiety so i just thought it was normal and go away. But it wasnt, i was still feeling like i needed to throw up, so i went to my br and i kept throwing up til my stomach was empty.. i was crying because of how much i missed her, and the fact that we dont know how she died, wether it was suicide or someone killed her. When i did this i just felt so clean.. so empty- i went back to my room to look in the mirrior and look at how flat my belly was. i felt cute, i took pictures, then i thought to myself "is this how it feels to feel beautiful" so then on i just didnt eat bc i hated the feeling of throwing up so then on for about a month , i ate like fruit and noodles then continued to purge. I also took laxatives. everyday i checked my weight. i just got so obsessed with my weight for that short period of time. and during the time i either at little to none or ate everything in the house, purged then took laxatives. now im kind of getting back to eating normal but im scared to "relapse" if i even had a eating disorder. would you consider it being real ? im just dont want it to happen, i dont want to not feel comfortable in my own body. Right now it's only sometimes hard to eat but as i get more depressed when i think about eating or look at food my stomach hurts all day, but will watch mukbangs all day, I dont know can someone give me some advice ?

Last edited by CANDC; Aug 22, 2020 at 07:32 PM.. Reason: In Eating Disorder, no numbers allowed - removed references to specific weights
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Default Aug 24, 2020 at 03:02 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by veahh View Post
Hi im 17 and i think i've had to deal with this- please let me know if im just thinking stuff. So recently my sister died- we werent really all that close but we were related and i was just shocked that this has happened. I still can't believe it and it's only been 3 months barely- and i've seen her in her deathbed. After i said goodbye i got home and all i thought was that i had to face the facts- my sister is dead. gone. forever. there is so many things we missed out on that we could have done, like talk about our first kisses, how we lost our virginitys, taught me how to drive like- i jus cant believe it. I watch crime shows all the time.. and it's in my life- but anyways since i got home from seeing her i felt queasy. And i have bad anxiety so i just thought it was normal and go away. But it wasnt, i was still feeling like i needed to throw up, so i went to my br and i kept throwing up til my stomach was empty.. i was crying because of how much i missed her, and the fact that we dont know how she died, wether it was suicide or someone killed her. When i did this i just felt so clean.. so empty- i went back to my room to look in the mirrior and look at how flat my belly was. i felt cute, i took pictures, then i thought to myself "is this how it feels to feel beautiful" so then on i just didnt eat bc i hated the feeling of throwing up so then on for about a month , i ate like fruit and noodles then continued to purge. I also took laxatives. everyday i checked my weight. i just got so obsessed with my weight for that short period of time. and during the time i either at little to none or ate everything in the house, purged then took laxatives. now im kind of getting back to eating normal but im scared to "relapse" if i even had a eating disorder. would you consider it being real ? im just dont want it to happen, i dont want to not feel comfortable in my own body. Right now it's only sometimes hard to eat but as i get more depressed when i think about eating or look at food my stomach hurts all day, but will watch mukbangs all day, I dont know can someone give me some advice ?
Hi veahh, never feel 'not sick enough' to ask for help. I was in your shoes at some point, had issues around food for a while induced by a personal trauma, which I neglected as I thought my problem was not serious enough. Eventually I lost controlled, a bunch of weight and two years of my life (21 now) restricting/bingeing/purging before I asked for help and started improving. Please don't commit the same mistake.
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Default Aug 24, 2020 at 07:31 PM
  #9
Thank you, im actually going to the dr today... im just super nervous
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