dear mom and dad

MOM- Why do you punish me for your childhood? Why do you think its ok to go in and out of my life and I am supposed to "be appreciative you came back around" Why do I owe you an apology for you abandoning me? Why did I never realize you would never change and I still get upset at 30 years old. I still cry when I see your pictures.
DAD- **** you. You did me way wrong, you have no clue about a fathers love. You got a new girlfriend around the time you met me and I became nothing to you just like when I was born.

when i was young i didnt really know quite how messed up it was, how could i? i was a kid.

how on earth could addiction be higher priority than your kids??

why did you fight to keep me out of being took into 'care' when you literally couldnt care less?

how could you send me to school in damn near rags? as if the emotional torment wasnt enough, the years of school bullying didnt exactly help.

how the hell was it so easy to lie to your kids?

dad, how could you treat yourself to weed and secret snacking while you made me live on lentils because 'we didnt have the money', as you horded the child support.

dad, i hope that weed bubble was worth watching your child go hungry, have to deal with **** like i was alone, essentially missing my entire childhood even though you were the one who was supposed to be there for me.

mam, how the hell can you not give a **** my entire youth then turn up having a go at me for no longer giving a **** in my TWENTIES??? i cried without you many nights, and gave up on you, not of my own volition, a long time ago.

mam, i hope the alcohol was a good replacement for your parental duties.

and dont you dare tell me ''im your mother!!'' as though it holds some sort of authority, i was your god damn son.

..thanks o.p, nothin like a good vent every now and then.

~Why was I a crybaby whenever I felt sad
~Why was it wrong for me to show any emotion other than happiness and if I did, I was a dramaqueen
~Why didn't you come to my 4th grade play - I had the lead role
~Why did you have a fight with dad on my 10th birthday, leave and not come back for 2 days (we ate the cake but there were no candles)
~Why did I only have 1 pair of pants all through Jr. High School (it wasn't money)
~Why did I have to take care of my sister after school and every summer and school break (again, not money)
~Why do you still try to hold money over our heads (We know you have it; none of us care or want it)
~Why does everything still have to be packed with drama with you as the martyr or super star
~Why are you so racist, homophobic, xenophobic and intolerant - how did your daughters learn to be loving, inclusive people (all 3 of us are, despite you)

~Why, if I told you any of these things, would your first and only response be to make a huge deal of playing the victim and somehow make me feel badly for saying you were a bad parent rather than recognizing that all these things still cause me pain

Dear Mom,

Why did you take your anger out on me?
Why did you hit me when i cried and tell me to grow up?
Didn’t you realize that’s not how the world works?
Why didn’t you care that i wasn’t at school?
That i wasn’t eating?
That i avoided people and only left my room to eat?
Why did my older sister have to physically stop you from hurting me?
Why did you have to beat and lock me up for hours just for speaking out of line?
Why did you think it was alright that you had to get me stitches for throwing a doll house at me?
Why were you angry whenever i started bleeding from your actions?
How can you play the part of pitiful mother with all the things youve done to hurt me?
How can you be so self centered to put your needs above your childrens?
Why didn’t you hug and kiss me when i clearly wanted you to?
Why did you push me away and say “not now”?
How come there is still a small part of me that loves you even though you made me into what i am today?
How come there is a part of me that is absolutely joyed that you got dementia?
When i was taken away from you, why were you upset?
How come you cry and scream that you miss me so much when all you did was hurt me?
Is it so wrong for me to be counting down the days till your death?
That i will be happy to go to your funeral?

I really hear your pain, hugs to you. With any addiction the substance is #1 above anything else. Childhood emotional neglect takes over our lives and most times we don't have a clue about why we feel the way we do. Go to Dr. Jonice Webb, a pioneer in this subject and come out feeling peaceful and whole.

Dear Mom and Dad: Why did you have me? You paid little to no attention to me and when you did it was to criticize and diminish me.
Why did you act in the very same ways you told me not to? (Do as I SAY, not as I DO) Why was I forced to go to church? Why did you put down every decision, idea, friend, boyfriend, and activity I performed? Why did you tell me one thing one day, and the opposite on another day? Why did you always compare me to my "perfect" sister? Why did others ALWAYS do a better job than I did?

Dear Mom and Dad,

You really messed up. You were just completely absorbed with yourselves, and didn’t give any consideration to us kids.

I was only conceived for manipulation, trying to hold on to a failing marriage.

What you didn’t have was more important than what you did have.

And I am guilty of the same toward my kids.

But, I’m still alive, so I can still try to be better.

Wow! Those are very similar to some of mine. You aren't alone in these feelings

By chance..were your parents older than normal for childbearing when they had you? Mine were.

No. Mine were probably too young. Mom got married at 16, had my older sister at 17, myself at 19, and my little sister at 21. Everything was always a struggle emotionally and emotional unavailability reigned supreme. The ACA laundry lists are highly accurate except for no alcohol use.

Mom was 39 when I was born and Dad was 52, turned 53 2 weeks later. BOTH were military officers and Dad retired when I was five and my mother never worked after she married him. So, I had them around all the time, as they had no life. They both had sticks up their butts and a horror of "the Neighbors".

Mine were a bit too Christian and not enough followers of Christ.

dear mom:

it would have been so lovely to wish you a happy christmas and to get even just a small card from you.

I don't know why you can't be nice to me, even for just one day of the year

I think it's sad

SS

Dear mom,
In an alternate world, if I saw you, I would wrap my arms around you. I would beg you to be with me. I would try to convince you of a better way. Love would win.
Dear dad,
In an alternate world, you would be a safe person. I would be safe with you. The past could be erased.
Dear mom and dad, I would love to have us. I would love to love and be loved in a precious way. I’d love to smile at you adoringly, and have you be proud of me. I’d help you around the house; we’d have dinner. My children would be safe with you.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I want to be able to forgive you. I want to be able to make peace with you. I want to be a better me, so I will have to learn those things. In time. I'm learning slowly to simply accept you both as you are. I'm trying to not think of you as monsters but people that made some tough decisions and didn't choose wisely. I know you both had difficult lives before I met you and I certainly didn't make it easier. I want to be able to let it all go. In time.

That was my Dad.

He is dead and would not have listened to me anyway. Mom is 91 and her memories are VERY skewed. She states that she doesn't remember the problems I had in school, or the whole house had with Dad. However, she suddenly gets clear when she is talking to someone else about the past. She gets OTHER facts right, just none about me.

Mine are both that way. I tried talking to Mom about bipolar yesterday and how much it takes to just get up sometimes, knowing I'll always be this broken me. I didn't mention the past. I was talking about waking up yesterday, how depressed and hopeless I felt, and was about to tell her about some of the SI, and then she said, "when I get depressed I just suck it up like a man and do it anyway."
I said a very blank "sure" and walked away but thought,
"Are you a man? Does a man always just suck it up? No. You're neither. I'm not sure you know what a man really is. A man is someone who's dealing with life from the perspective of a male. That's all it is. They must deal with life. Sucking it up means you're holding it in, avoiding it. If you avoid almost everything else in life, it gets worse. A leaky roof, an electrical problem, a bald tire, a drainage problem, financial difficulty, mental illness."
Just now I had a thought about that...

Dear Mom and Dad,
Did my avoidance of you because of my mental illness and your lack of emotional availability make you worse parents? I want the answer but I won't ask the question.

The problem with the 'I just suck it up" line is that they DON'T just suck it up when they get depressed or angry or anything else. They take it out on the family. But then according to my dad, mental illness didn't exist. People made choices on how they behaved or reacted to things. His "advice" on the bullying I was subjected to? "Just don't let it worry you".
Really helpful, Mr. 2 or 3 college degrees.....

You must be reading my story, except for the degrees. Mom has a 2-year nursing degree somehow but Dad barely made it through high school. I accept that they are still going to do this, my entire life with them around. That's why I need to be away from them. I've overall disconnected by not being here much, but did give my whole Friday, today.

I got a (Community) college degree at the prompting of my parents because "Everyone under this roof went to college and so will you". Of course, they put down MY degree because well, it wasn't a four year, Ivy league college. What mom didn't mention until I got older was that she never graduated....So it just goes to show you...an education doesn't necessarily make you a good/stable person. I always knew this but my parents disputed it to the hills and back.