dear mom and dad

True all the way. I've got not far from 200 credit hours, but my AS is from a technical community college but 68 were in a state college. I'm proud of it, but never used it professionally. I did pull 29 hours one semester, beast mode manic on ADHD stimulants and an antidepressant, pre-bipolar dx. I worked there at same time. Anyone else experience that; the desire to learn everything, and keep going at it? If it were an option, I'd always be in school, the college bits.

Personally..I love school and books, I am always reading and at the bookstore. What held me back was the fact that I SUCK at math. If I had the time/money, I would take classes in things that I am interested in, for MYSELF, without the looming pressure of getting an "A".

Some people do have trouble with math. I'm very fond of math. It's almost always got a precise answer, and nothing else in life has that. There are free courses online, but I've yet to look into them.

I WOULD be fond of math, if I were any good at it....LOL!!! I use a calculator and do the checkbook sums three times to make sure I arrive at the same answer each time. I am dyslexic when it comes to numbers. I will write them backwards if I am not careful. Ex. $10.73 becomes $10.37.

Checkbook? Haven't written a check in almost 2 years.

Knowing what I know now, i still couldn't tell you how I feel about the life I have had, and that isn't because you both are deceased, but because I never had the backbone to do it, but if I had I would say to start with. Why did you have any kids at all, let alone 6 of us? Why did you treat me different, why did you physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally abuse me? Mom why did you tell me you resented the day I was born, you could have kept that to your self? Dad why did you sexually abuse me, and why did you let mom treat me so badly? Why was I the one singled out? Why did the both of you not protect me from abuse from other family members, and some of your friends? Why did you let things get so bad for me that I was made a ward of the state? And why did you feel that you had to do that one last cruelty by stating in your will that I was left out, and said I knew why? All my life I have tried to do so much for the both of you. I sent packages of things you wanted, I sent cards, letters, money. My husband, and I came down and fixed things for you, that came out of our pocket. As far as your will, I didn't want anything, I had everything I wanted, and needed, that I earned for myself. The only thing that I ever wanted from the both of you was your emotional love, or at least acceptance as much as the rest of my siblings. Why? Why? Why? Even if I could ask all of this now, you both are gone, so I will never get to do that.

Dear mum, why have children when they are hard work? I can easily take myself out of this earth and I have a right to do that. I feel like a mistake.

@katydid777

As parent and stepfather to total of six, I will tell you that kids are very hard work. It's also the most rewarding thing in the Universe. A child's life is something one gives to the future. I wasn't the best of parents, but I tried. I cried every night because of everything I messed up that day. I've still not forgiven myself for most of it, and I don't yet know if I can. I love my kids to no end. I know I'm the bad one here, the bad everything

You are probably not as bad as you perceive yourself to be.

Find my post made just before you made this reply to understand the next sentence. I don't know anything, and I'm becoming ok with it.

Dear Mom and Dad, I know you treated me poorly because your lives were not fulfilled themselves.

Why would you design my life to not be fulfilled either? I understand, but it has destroyed me. I am lacking in so many ways.

You have the rest of it to become fully alive. Don't waste it, please.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Why did you emotionally abuse me for being illigetimately conceived?
Why did you leave your 4 small children alone at night with a known pedophile?
Why did you did project so much negativity toward me when I told you what happened?
Why didn't you say ANYTHING when I told you?
Why did you make me feel so unworthy of LOVE?
Why didn't you give me up for adoption or have an abortion?

Dear Mom & Dad,

Because of how you responded to the first molestation by a family member, I never told anyone the next time it happened by another family member. You made me feel so ashamed like it was my fault and I must have deserved it. I didn't tell anyone the first time I was raped because my own family wouldn't believe me, so why would I expect anybody else to believe me. I never told anyone my husband beat me. I just divorced him. I never told anyone the 2nd time I was raped, decades after the first time. Why did you mock, ridicule and belittle me after we all grew up? We have run out of time and ya'll choose to live in denial. Why do you ignore the fact that your beautiful, intelligent, gifted first born child is homeless, broken, mentally ill and destitute in the same city where you live? Is your pride still so important 57 years later? Haven't you learned ANYTHING from the mistakes you made with me? I forgave you once I proved to myself how wrong you were about me. I chose a hard work ethic and put myself through college. I found a successful career despite struggling with depression. I gave you 35 yrs to atone for the damages, but you still cling to denial. Have I finally accomplished your expectation?

SorryShaped,
I've thought a lot about documenting my bio lately. It is stranger than fiction and no one would probably believed it actually happened. I can hardly believe it myself except for these recurring, invasive thoughts, memories, dreams and flashbacks. Thanks for sharing.

First of all, I'm sorry. I know you've been through many hardships. I'm not that great of a daughter either and can't express my feeling. But that's because I find it hard to trust you with them.
You really have no idea about the horrible things that are happening in my head and I've never been more afraid.

bumping this thread for the other poster who posted a thread like this

Dear Mom & dad though you have long since died,

I know you thought you were normal but that is because you never socialized with anyone to realize just how dysfunctional yiu both really were.

If you were normal, I wouldn't have been so embarassed to be with you in the few social situstilns you were invited to.

Mom, you kept having to tell me that my dad lived me. That was because he was incapable of emotionally connecting with anyone & NO, it wasn't just because of his dysfunctional dad or the fact he list his mom to cancer when he was a senior in high school & was the one left to care for her. This may have added to his dysfunction but honestly after researching ASD in relation to my own H, the similarities & behavior patterns matched perfectly. Just because they didn't have the knowledge to dx way back then didn't mean it didn't exist.

I know mom you strugvled hard to want me to know how smart you were but everything you did & said did not reinforce what yoh wanted me to think. Sadly even at 80 when you died, yiur bad choices did not reinforce the wisdom yiu wanted me to see yiu with.

Your inabiluty to be independent through my growing up years just reinforced my desire to not be like you. You were so caught up in your insecurities that you were unable to connect witb me either though I was thankful you shared some hidtory about whst your lufe was like & what dad's life was like but growibg up, I just desired to be around people outside our family. I sensed something was not normal I justvfidn't understamd until after you died & I finally got away from that H of mine eho you liked so much & who was justvas dysfunctional as you both were.

Finally living around normal people I csn see just howvdysfunctional you were. No it wasn't yoyr fault & I now also understand that....but the lack of emotional connection throughout my life & wondering "is that all there is when connecting to others" left me needing to learn how to connect so I ciuld have normal friendships & connections with others. 10 years if workibg on this & progress started around 2011. Growing & learnibg after 54 years of luving like that has been a challenge but worth it. I know you woukd still think you were just fine & that your behavior was normal but you knew nothing else.

I miss yiu both but honestly I don't miss the stress that interfacing with you or my H caused me. Being free from that & living arlund functional friends now 2100 miles away from where I lived all my life has been the most freeing experience of my life & I have finally been able tobgrow into the person that was hiding inside of me all my life wondering "is this all there is to connecting with others"

I feel no blame on you as I understandbwhy all ifbyiu werebthebway you were. I am just thankful that Ibget a chance to live my life now for who & what was buried inside of me for so long.

Why did you take me out of school when i was 15?
Why did you lie when you said i wouldnt be stuck at home all day?
Why do you get mad and say i have an attitude when i have a different opinion?
Why have you kept me almost completely alone going on 5 years?
Why did you let me unknowingly throw away who i am?
Did you not learn after kicking my brother out then isolating me?
Why can i not be emotional or show weakness at the things you say to me?
Why do you always blame me?
Why did you keep things away from me then scold me when they didnt magically appear?
Why do you not talk to me as an equal and more like a wall?
Why is it the most you say to me is when you critique and nag me?
Why do you always treat me differently in front of others?
Why did you do all this and still not notice how hurt i feel?