where do you think your parents went wrong?

Interesting thread.

I am an only child. My mother never should have married. My father was my parent, not her. She never really left her family of origin. I am sure she was treated poorly by her mother.

I asked her why she ever had a child(my parents were married for nine years before I was born). Her response, “it is part of life”. unfortunately my father died when I was young.....my mother has so many BPD & Narc traits. I knew she would have preferred a male child. And very few whom would meet her, would ever guess she treated me/did not treat me in the manner it actually occurred.

Hugs,

I’m an only child. I’m not wanting to talk about all the crap they threw at me right now
(I doubt if.....)

Being an only child has it's own set of issues & one is that there are no other children to get any input from about what is going on. Doesn't always happen if huge age differences but know being an only child left me to figure out everything on my own with the dysfunctional parents I had.

My mom screwed up way before I was even in the picture by getting together with my dad. My mom married her ****ing rebound guy and ignored major red flags because my mom has low self esteem. My dad has been full of **** his whole life and honestly I don't know how my parents managed to stay together for 11 years anyway (my mom literally dealt with my dad's ******** for 7 years before I came around).

Anyway, my mom couldn't have children of her own for medical issues, so she adopted me and gave my dad an ultimatum. I however didn't find out I was adopted until I was 24 (I'm turning 26 next month, so yeah, not that ****ing long ago).

My dad was a dead beat and a ****** excuse for a husband and dad, hell as a person. And my mom was overbearing, domineering, manipulative, and neurotic. Honestly, I probably didn't stand a chance to began with.

My mom told me she never wanted children, but apparently my Dad did so she had three of us. She told me this when I was around 10. I don't think it's something you should ever tell your children even if it's true.

My mother went wrong when she got pregnant with me.

I was just thinking the same thing though Iam finally glad she did but it took over 54 years, good therapy & an awesome new living environment to get there....also parents are no longer living...so I am an orphan on my own creating my own new world & loving it.

Oh,yeah,they were BORN!

My father, a loathsome character, married my mother before she could even speak English. He found out the hard way that she was mentally ill with a severe rage problem.

It would take me all day long. Let's just say they should not have had children.

Although my sister and I are relatively happy in our adult lives, our brother died early. Where did our parents go wrong? They should never have had children.

I feel this way too.

My mom actually would just take off—saying she would be back in a few weeks. One time she didn’t come back for two years. She saw nothing wrong with that.

She needed her passport taken away because of her disappearing acts.

I would say my parents further went wrong by being more focused on outward behavior than on inner well-being. Everything is a discipline problem. It doesn't matter how your kids feel inside, as long as they don't act out. Your response to psychological issues is to never mind what's causing it. Don't bother finding what hurts, and fixing it. Just whack those kids until they stop that behavior. When they've had enough of being scolded and spanked and humiliated and privileges taken away, they'll straighten up.

They really haven't stopped doing it. They've merely learned to hide it better, so you don't know.The psychological issue isn't gone, only buried deep below the surface, where they still feel it but don't dare show it.

But hey, they're not outwardly doing that behavior anymore, so you can say your punishments worked. You solved the problem. After all, your whole job as a parent is to make sure those kids behave the way you want them to.

Let me add one more. My parents went wrong by putting too much emphasis on obedience, and not enough on teaching life skills. When you get out there in the adult world, and all you've ever really learned is how to do as you're told, you're not going to be very functional. I should have been taught how to make decisions for myself.

My mom, even early on, always told me she didn’t understand me. Just that. Oh she loves me, but doesn’t understand me. What I feel she’s always tried to say is....you’re different I don’t CARE to understand you.

I recently found a letter from her from maybe 2014? Again stating these same things to me after a suicide attempt. She loves me more than I could ever know! But doesn’t understand me. Last month she told me again when I tried to explain some life choices I’ve made that are very different from my parents. She said “I’ve never been able to understand you Patagonia, I guess I never will.”
By telling me my entire life that my own mother does not understand me, her own child, has deeply scared me & my own self esteem. I know I am different & not like any of my siblings, but I feel for my entire life I’ve been condemned for it. Never understood or even remotely just tolerated.
I hope my own kids never feel that alienated from me as a mom.

They went wrong by thinking money=love. They went wrong by being racist homophobes. My father went wrong by being a verbally abusive a-hole who is NEVER wrong. EVER. My mom would have been a much better mom if she didn't feel forced to conform to his beliefs. If only they cared about how I felt or who I really was, maybe things could have been different.

My mom never dealt with the issues she had with her own mother growing up and ended up repeating those negative patterns as an adult.

My dad is too passive and conflict avoidant, so he was scared to stand up to her and ended up being an enabler of her narcissistic behavior.

They were emotionally absent. They thought I should just be happy they provided for me in a financial sense. They procrastinated and took things lightly that were very detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being.

I have had this thought too.
I do not understand why so many people who do not love each other and have no intention of offering love, support and a good example to children just have children anyways.

There is no mandatory preparation course for parents, there should be. People who want to adopt go through plenty of checks and preparation.

My mother ignored me when I was little, put her own issues way before mine and made me afraid to say anything that may not please her. When my brother was born she labelled him as the trouble-maker from the very beginning, she hit him a lot, spoke badly about him both in his presence and behind his back.
She then decided that my father was having an affair and she would start arguments with him and expect me to take sides with her (me age 12).
She beat my dad at least twice in my presence and when my dad was trying to get her off him by throwing her onto the sofa (yes, the sofa so that she wouldn't get hurt), she would scream that he was attacking her and ask me to call the police. I never did, because I knew my dad was not attacking her.
She would ask me to check if the lady that she thought had a relationship with my dad was in his office.
She would take me with her to see where this lady lives and whether she gets back late from work when my dad was working late.
I was anorexic for a year an she didn't even notice. In fact I could make all the food I wanted to eat as I was completely in control of my meals, my parents had nothing to do with them.
She didn't want me to succeed. When I was going very well in school and I was about to score full marks in my final exams, she said that scoring full marks is arrogant and will make people feel uneasy with me. When I was invited to study in a top university abroad and I accepted, she said I was just being manipulated by my father.
She was often talking behind other people.
When I left my first job abroad and I came back "home" she asked me how much money I had saved and she said it was too little and I was letting myself be exploited.
When I opened my first local bank account to receive my wage from my second job she said I was being selfish for trying to keep my money separate from the rest of the family.
When I was cycling to the station every day to catch a train to work she said I was being too idealistic about my environmentalist goals and it felt I was judging everyone else who was not doing the same.
When I decided to move out to go and live with my boyfriend she asked me why am I not every discussing these kind of decisions with her. Well, guess why. Everything I do is wrong anyways.

My father was just and still is just depressed and escapes by focusing on work.

End of story.

Oh man, I feel everyone knows my story... :/ I don't need to say anything do I?

Does the term "inbred" include uncle and niece? I am not kidding. So you can imagine how much of a health hell I will have to live in for a rest of my life.