where do you think your parents went wrong?

this afternoon I was thinking about the abuse from my family as a child, and where it might have started.

and the best I can come up with was that the reason it happened, is because they couldn't accept me for me.

I know it can't explain the early years of no love or hugs and kisses, but I know when I was diagnosed with MI, my family were outraged

it was such a crime to have someone "diffrent" in the family, that I was treated diffrently... isolated, hit, made to feel like I was nothing- because that's what they probably believed.

people with MI don't think much of themselves anyway, so let's make sure she knows how bad she is.

do any of you have any theories where your parents went wrong?

No theories. I know where my parents went wrong. It really is too much to list, but it started from my first year of life.

My dad was never around. He physically abused me, starting with a dislocated shoulder at 2.

My mom was there but never present. Either totally ignored me, or abused me mentally and emotionally through many different ways.

My sister took care of me the first year of my life. Taught me to talk, etc. She told me that I'd start crying and my mom would yell at her to "go get that baby".

There's just too much to list. As with the WHY'S, my mom came from a broken home herself, where her alchoholic father beat his wife and kids, and she was molested as a young girl.

I know she only did what she knew how, but the damage was done. She hurt all of us kids, and I see it plain as day.

And she will never admit it. It would be nice to get recognition of the truth from her, but I've accepted that will never happen.

All I know is, I'm tired of being angry. Before a few years ago, I blamed myself for everything. Then my perspective changed, and I got angry. Angry at what happened, and angry at my mother. And I'm tired of being angry.

My parents recently told me they wished they were more educated about ADHD, when I was younger.

Instead of using the now outdated old school spanking/tough love methods of discipline, they experienced during their own childhoods, which only made things worse.





Umpulsive

My parents were abused and traumatized themselves and had no idea how to parent. They just reenacted what was done to them.

My parents lived in a dream world. They were so busy trying to make things the way they they wanted it, they forgot to look at how life really is. This included their philosophies in raising their children. They never really knew me. They just tried to make me into their image of what they wanted their kids to be. Which was an idealized version of themselves.

Basically they wanted sims, not kids.

Well, my Dad meant well. He was a really wonderful person in a lot of ways, but he came form a very poor family of six kids. His Dad died of TB when he was about 16. My Dad quit school and went in the army when he was 17. Ended up fighting in the Battle Of The Bulge. Always suffered from PTSD after that. Was never able to express emotions.

My Mother came from a home where her Dad would go to town, drink, get in a fight, come home and beat up on his family. The kids used to hide under the bed while he beat their Mother. Also, my Mother was born two months early back in 1935 when they did not know much about taking care of premies. The only way she survived was that she was born in Minneapolis. I believe she always suffered from ADHD, although it was never diagnosed. She was always very unhappy in her marriage, and I was her counselor. Both of my parents suffered from depression and poor self esteem. They meant well, but really weren't good parents. Basically didn't even notice what was going on with their children except when we rocked the boat in some way.

My parents were just a product of their environment. My Dad was incredibly strict and abusive, while my mother cowered in the corner while he exploded at me. It was an incredibly toxic environment to live in fear as a child. But what happened was that I became EXACTLY like my father in my teen years, rebelled, fought back intensely and eventually left home at 15 and lived on the streets to find my own way.

My parents deeply regret what happened to me, because during the time I left home, I was completely acting out in my bipolar episodes, causing havoc on myself and others around me.

In the end, they welcomed me home with open arms, and helped repair years of damage as I try and rebuild my life, on medication, and in a place of peace.

Although, I am very jealous of my younger sister in many ways, becasue my father learned from the mistakes he made with me and was very lenient with her. She ended up being a big succees, college educated, with a great career, tons of friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I can't help but think if he treated me like he treated her, I would have turned out differently.

My parents went wrong by having sex. End of story.

I think like that sometimes too.

The first mistake was that she didn't treat me like a person. My mom treated me more like a possession.

Despite me not wanting to do any of it, she pushed over and over for me to be the sweet, feminine little girl she always wanted. I was a clinically depressed kid on the autism spectrum who had few friends, liked "masculine" clothes and toys, had meltdowns and panic attacks in public, and didn't know how to communicate clearly. She forced me to wear frilly pink clothes that I hated and felt ugly in, bought me Barbies that I would never touch, forced me into social situations that directly led to meltdowns, and would tell me to stop acting like a d*ke in public. When I began self harming, she would force me to show her the wounds and make loud, rude comments about how ugly they were when she knew people were around to hear. She would invade my privacy, touch me without my permission, make repeated comments about my weight, and try to dictate what I did with my own body. I don't think she fully understood that I was a living person and not some object that she owned. Whenever I tried to bring up my issues with her, she twisted it around to make it seem like I was attacking her.

The second mistake was telling my sisters and I that we would always come first in her life, and then repeatedly putting us second to whatever guy she was with. She let us be emotionally abused by her ex-husband (my ex-stepfather) because she didn't want to have to be alone. This was a man who beat her in front of us, would spew racist crap about our non-white friends, hurt our pets, insulted us, and did everything in his power to make me feel worthless because he knew I didn't like him. She let him do it because she couldn't stand being single. She inadvertently taught me that I couldn't trust her, and then acted surprised when my mental health spiraled out of control.

Too many kids and driven by money not love.

Looking at us we are fine, but look deeper and you will see the fractures.

The first issue was me not being neurotypical (e.g. I have ADHD and they were embarrassed my disruptive behaviors as a kid). They kind of "adjusted" to this in a way. However, they haven't and certainly will never accept the person I have grown into as an adult and in their words, "just want to forget about it". This was where the invalidation and emotional abuse really started and became apparent to me. They have had a long "nice" phase, and once I even "reasoned" with my narc mother on an issue. I could get caught up in the phoniness or make the intelligent decision to realize that people like this don't change and never will. Because they are nothing wrong with their behavior. They've shown their true colors, and it's tough but I need to just see these people as what they are and move on.

I am sorry you feel YOUR needs have not been met when it comes to your parents. This doesn't always mean the parent is a narcissist though. Often this is due to the parent's lack of knowledge. ADHD children tend to get very distracted and difficult for a parent to understand as well as have the patience to understand.

My older brother was a challenging child and tended to be distracted and wanted to be on the move a lot. It was hard for him to sit still in school and it did not mean he was stupid, he just was not one to sit still. Actually, even though it was hard for him, he managed to finish high school after having to stay back twice in grammar school. Because HE wanted to be more successful he put himself through college and it was hard for him to pay attention there too. He ended up with a career in sales and he is always traveling and hoping on planes traveling all over the country and when he isn't doing that for work he is busy planning some kind of adventure trip to go on.

My husband has ADHD too, he also has dyslexia and he is one who prefers to be "busy" and in motion and I simply can't keep up with him. He can be hard to talk to at times because without realizing it he likes to cut me off, talk over me and interrupt me.

I had a student (I taught young children how to ride my ponies) that had ADHD really bad and as soon as she arrived on my farm EVERYONE knew she was there and she would begin interrupting the lesson I was finishing up with another student. I had to design my lessons around how she would need to "go and go" and would often try to run me rather than following my instruction. I had to keep her very busy and she did better with that because that is how her mind worked. This child's mother also had ADHD and I honestly did not know who was worse, the mother or the daughter. I had to respectfully ask the mother to leave because there was no way I could deal with both of them at once.

It's important to keep in mind that just because others are not thinking "quick" and the way your mind works doesn't mean they are "bad".

Because I know this challenge so well, I can see the red flags that others fail to recognize. When I observe Trump for example, he literally reeks of these red flags and this is the main reason his parents sent him to that military school. This is part of why he tends to "fill" any room he enters and he was able to cover so much ground when he campaigned and why he tended to pick on Bush for being "slow minded or lazy" and why he needs so much stimulation. He is actually not the first president to have ADHD either, it's just that because there is so much more technology and media attention that his ADHD stands out so much more as well as with this tweeting, he tends to make his opinions known, so much like that student I had taught and how my husband is also as well as my older brother.

too busy

((CasuallyDepressed))

My post on this thread was for Monkey111. I had thought that was the OP. My mouse has been sticking and did not see "your" post until just now, checking back with this thread. I am sorry if my post doesn't address "your" challenge at all, I simply did not see your post.

I am sorry, from what you have shared, your mother was a parent that kept trying to make you into an identity "she" wanted and that's never healthy for a child. Your mother did NOT respect "your" boundaries and was selfishly putting her needs before her child's (you).

You don't have to like or even trust your mother. And I am sorry that your mother STILL doesn't recognize how her poor parenting led to you struggling the way you have.

I just want to add to what I posted above CasuallyDepressed. Most parents don't "intentionally" try to neglect or abuse their children. Instead, what so many parents lack is actually "knowing" how to properly nurture their child in a way that allows their child to build and develop their own identity. Often the parent never experienced good parenting themselves and because of that can "need" so much themselves that they begin to neglect their children. The relationship your mother had with this man that was mean and abusive is "proof" that your mother tended to ignore bad behavior in order to have a man in her life because she had grown to believe that was important.

Allowing yourself to decide that your mother did not love you and "chose" to neglect you is really not the route to take psychologically because the truth is what you have shared of your mother is describing a woman who genuinely did not "know" how to be a good parent and most likely just did what she thought was important. The fact that she would "stay" in an unhealthy relationship is a huge indication of her lack of understanding the difference between healthy relationships verses toxic relationships.

Unfortunately, many parents do not understand the needs of a child who has some autism challenges.

Same here! They also told everyone they took a hands off approach with me, even when the two girls across the street who were in my class told my parents that the teacher was severely abusing me physically and emotionally every day! Strange parenting. And now I take care of them every day as they approach 90 yo. At least I try.

This thread is a tricky one for me to answer. First I think my parents would say, they didn’t do any wrong; they did the best they could with what they had, as many parents like to say.
My biggest issue with my parents is that they too, had too many kids & well by the time I came along they were just wiped out in every aspect.
My parents believed in physical discipline that just went too far. Funny to hear my older sibs talk & laugh about it now, yet for me it left horrible trauma & emotional scars. Why? They would claim “I’m too sensitive.”
They used power, shame, guilt & religion as guides to leave me powerless & no sense of worth which still is a major issue I have 47 yrs later.

From the perspective of being a parent myself, seeing this thread I think, “god I hope my kids don’t ever answer this question by saying, ‘my mom knew she had MH issues & had kids anyway’...that would kill me.”
So being a parent & knowing I have MH issues has it effected how I raise my kids? Omg yes & I know I make mistakes, but hopefully none are as severe as what my parents thought was just good parenting at the time.

Now LadyShadow said that her parents deeply regret what happened & I see that as growth & maturity.
My parents will never apologize for anything they did & the emotional hurt they still give me today. They have no desire to look at themselves & admit an error bec in their eyes they did not have any. Error is always with me. Knowing that they will never say, hey I wish I was better at helping you, & im still expected to respect & love them like all my other sibs....kind of makes me throw up in my mouth....& I have to swallow that.

My parents own childhood & I am sure my dad had undiagnoses ASD & probably undiagnosed Tourrett's because it was totally unknown about at that time in history. All the behaviors indicated this & my Mom's own lack of self esteem because she was born with underdeveloped eyes & again, recognizing inability to see back in those days wasn't common either. My mom finally got glasses I think in 3rd grade than was made fun of for that because glasses were uncommon i. Those days too.

My parents had no concept of just how dysfunctional they really were & it the time of WWII, they were just thinking about surviving & makibg the best of their lives as they were. It was not a time of srlf reflection or therapy to figure out why things were the way they were.

We sometimes FORGET what the past was like & think is was like what is is today instead of the survival mode most parents who would be in their 90's now were actually experiencing in their lives. We tend to blame them for being the way they were when in realury they had no other concepts to gather their information from. Lol Spock was just coming into the picture when I was a kid, the first kind of guidance out there from the psych world.

Yes, there was lots wrong in that generation & no quality psych information to learn from. Most parents were just winging it to the best of their abiluty & only getting poor quality psych help when thete was a serious problem that the schools usually pointed out & forced some kind of action to be taken.

Looking back I wonder how anyone in my generation (baby boomers) turned out ok......oh wait a minute.....most of us didn't