How are you with your kids?

So considering your experience . Did you have kids and would they say your a parent who feeds them emotionally ?
For me ..I never wanted kids , never felt any interest in them

I used to desperately want kids, but life didn't go my way then. As I got older I realized bipolar, rough childhood, and additional problems would not make me a good mother. I don't regret that decision at all.
I have one niece that I had zero idea what to do with as a baby and toddler. I felt bad about myself that I didn't know how to care for her and was awkward and scared of her. Now, I have gotten better and better with her. It was a big relief when she learned to talk.
I love her dearly. But I am glad not to be a mother.

I have two children and I try really hard to tell them that their feelings matter, that it is okay to be upset, etc. I definitely want them to know that they are loved - important to me, valued, have interesting things to say. Basically I use everything I have learned in therapy to be the polar opposite of my parents. Hopefully I am meeting their emotional needs. My son recently became depressed and I feel good about how I am handling it - I've got him in to see a therapist, I let him talk about, I knowledge his pain. These are all things my parents had zero ability to do.

I have three sons that are now grown. I have a great relationship with all of them. I made mistakes, but tried so hard to treat them differently than I was treated as a child. I wish I could have done it perfectly, but I do believe they grew up in a much healthier environment than I did.

I have one daughter who will soon be 40. I was so busy fighting to not be like my mom that I ended up creating my own dysfunctional way to bring her up. Different than my mom's dysfunction but I had no mentor to help me know how to be a orofessional career person & mom at the same time. I honestly had no motherly instincts which didn't help either & I never related to babies or had a desire to be around them. I was however there for her as she got older & could relate & even with my career was always there to support or help fight battles she couldn't on her own (always gabe her a chance first then wouldbstep in then she said it didn't work.

I really was horrible during her senior year though. Depression was horrible, marriagevwas horrible & my career had gone when aerospace collapsed. I was trapped financially in my bad marriage & suicide was my only solution so I kept trying several times really close. I wanted iut so bad I never botheted thinking about my daughter until anorexia hit & thoyght that was better & wouldn't leave the stigma on her that anything else would leave. I managed to survive & finally wS able to leave the marriage. It was then when I reLly looked at what had happened & apologized to her for the hell I had put her life through during that time. It has definitely helped us relate now with each other & communication is much better. Mom is the go to one when there are problems or just the need to discuss things. So glad we managed to survive that horrible time of life & back to communicating normally again or what is normal for her.

I have kids and always allowed them their feelings, their choices, their way unless it would hurt them.

They know their grandma, my mother, and saw for themselves how she is. She wasn’t very warm with them. Would come over and start cleaning their rooms and calling them slobs. Chastising me for not making them clean. I’d let her go reorganize their drawers then just disregard her. In her defense, I’m sure she also has ADHD, so she’d always come in my house and start with stuff because she can’t sit still.
M

Interesting stuff , thanks for sharing . I sort of imagined that most would do well with their children . Like designingwoman I'm glad I don't have any . Something disconnected in me (or was never connected)and I really don't have a huge amount of empathy for children or generally others . To be honest I believe it was the best decision in my life not to have them . I've observed the process where people have them and then this chemical change takes place and they are absolutely devoted to their kids , so much so that they come before themselves in their lives . I think I would have made an o.k. father , I sort of play that role with the guy's that report to me in my jobs . I listen , I observe , I judge their character and I try to act kind, compassionate but firm with them . I don't actually care , but I know what they need so give it to them . But it's not a job I ever wanted having kids . I think fundamentally I'm selfish . I would not have wanted them to be more important in my life than I am . I don't feel the need to extend the species and I don't think I would have felt close to them . Probably just resentful for impacting my life .

I brought up my daughter as a single dad from the age of 2. She's all grown up now. I tried very much to do everything differently, gave her lots of affection and hugs, always told/tell her that I love her. I probably spoilt her a bit. I never had love for myself so I probably went overboard, I think I could have pushed her more academically because of this; I tended to be very permissive and focus more on having fun - at the time my feeling was more if she had lots of friends, felt loved, was able to stand up for herself, and was able to give love herself, those things were more important than anything else. And she is - she has always had lots of friends, is funny and giving, able to form stable lasting relationships, and is also very assertive and just a lovely person in every way.

I never told her I had depression and having had a parent myself who would constantly threaten to kill herself if we did anything wrong I did not want to inflict that on anyone, while she was growing up though I did have periods of depression and used antidepressants and therapy to keep me going, plus I had to keep down a job (we didn't have lots of money though). Despite this there were a few periods where I got really low and went into myself to ensure it didn't affect her too much, I did find it hard at times to cope with a houseful of kids as she always had lots of friends round, and I couldn't completely stop myself having panic attacks at times when it got hard juggling work and everything, but mostly we got through.

It does sound like you made the right decision, then. Congratulations on knowing yourself well enough to do that. Sadly, so many people don't.

It sounds like you did very well, all in all. I know it wasn't easy.

I don't have kids. I don't generally have a maternal instinct. However, my upbringing with a narcissist mother helped push me towards the decision beyond any doubt. She would always criticize my grandmother for playing favorites and undermining her self esteem, and then she ended up doing the exact same with her own three kids. So, I do sort of feel like it was good to break the cycle.

Of course, as a narcissist, she totally takes it personally. She has told me that I make her feel like a failure as a mother for not wanting children. In her mind, I must be doing it to spite her or similar, instead of having made a well thought-out, personal decision.

Interestingly she doesn't say the same to my siblings (they don't have kids either), but then she likes them and clearly doesn't like me. Plus I ended a relationship with someone who was trying to pressure me into having children. She took that very badly, I guess she was hoping he'd convince me to cave - as if that would have been a good situation to bring a kid into. She has actively avoided seeing me since I got married (to the point of planning family get-togethers, with no input from us, and to places that are very expensive for us to visit), because my husband doesn't want children either.

So sorry. This should be you and your husbands decision. My Mother gave me a hard time for years because I didn't have my first till I was close to 32. She always made comments about not having any grandchildren, and said that my Dad would be dead before he got any grandchildren. If I would have had them any sooner, it would have been a disaster for various reasons.

^^ Thanks for reading. Having kids with my ex would have been a complete disaster as well. Financially it would have been tough and his family was always trying to meddle in our relationship, mainly because I am a foreigner, they wanted to see him with a more traditional woman from here. I'm just glad I know my own mind and was able to stand up to pressure.

I don't have kids, every time my wife ends up pregnant they end up miscarrying. So no kids here.

That is awful.

We took in a foster daughter for 10 years. She was very troubled, understandably so. She had been through hell. I feel we did very well meeting her many needs. It wasn't always easy, yet we were the adults and had a duty to meet her needs, no matter what.


WC

Good for you! I had thought of taking in a girl, since I have all boys, but husband didn't want to.

We had our hands full with just this one. She had a lot of needs and acted out frequently. It's a good thing we only had one.

WC

So do you still have contact with her?

I never used to want kids because I'd assumed I'd be abusive towards them, as that's how I grew up. But I have kids now and am a very loving parent and we are a very healthy family. I do feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes, as it's so amazing.

The only thing is that I sometimes get triggered because it makes me aware of what I didn't have growing up, but I'm thankful that for some reason I'm able to give it nonetheless.