Things your parents didn't say to you, but should have

You can follow your dreams

(as supposed to shooting down anything I dreamed of having)

My parents didn't have the knowledge or experience to say useful things. You can't "SHOULD HAVE" people who didn't have the ability. I basically figured out my own path in life because I knew they had no concept of where I was heading ir how to get there.

Their best encouragement was to pay me $1 (I grew up in school late 50's -60's) I made sure I got as much as I could. I got my validation for my abilities at school as my parents couldn't afford activities or even get me there in the first place. Life was basically what I made it & learned not to look to parents for much of anything other than basic needs.

How about something like: Are you upset? Do you want to talk about it?

Or: You can call any time, even just to say hi!
Oh no, I can't call at all unless I check first to see if my dad is on call. I don't know why he can't use a work cell phone or second line...oh well, my mom is annoyed if I call for no reason. So guess what? I don't call. We email sometimes, so I guess it's not like we never talk...

My mom has said the same. PLUS..I was a burden to raise because of my rheumatoid arthritis. I could never say this to a child!

As a parent of a daughter, my past has come back to haunt me. I am now finding out how my daughter really feels and what se blames me for growing up. I wasn't there for her like I should have been and now I am paying the price, We have a very strained relationship and she now has two baby boys and she won 't let me see them when I want , only when she feels like it. The problem is this, My parents did the same thing to me growing up, I had no role models and bringing up my daughter as a single parent after a divorce was difficult. I was not a role model for her because I didn't know how to be one. Their was no instruction book on how to be a parent and times were different back them. I treated my daughter the same way I was treated by my mom.

My father was an acholic and my mom worked all the time. I didn't on trips or have vacations I never knew what that was all about, I brought my child up the best I knew how and now she hates me for the rotten childhood she claims she had. Her dad was an acholic as well so we divorced after 10 yrs of marriage. So now I am left with this women who I want to be close to but wants no relationship or closeness to me. It hurts very deeply because she uses my grandson to hurt me. I am 66 yr old and feel I don't have a lot of time let and I waited a very long time for grandkids and now I have them but she won't let me enjoy my time I have left with them.Has anyone out there have a similar problem? Please respond.

"I'm sorry."
"Tell me about what you did today. Tell me about your friends. I'm here for you."
"Let me explain how to do this chore." --instead of yelling at me for not knowing how.
"Do you want to do something together?"
"I noticed you're feeling upset. Is there anything I can do to help?"

" I love you"

probably the most painful thing

never told I was loved

I don't really have quotes, per se, but...I would have wanted a lot more validation, and direction on how to navigate the social world, especially hurtful people. A lot of times my mother didn't seem to believe me when I would go to her with certain things. She'd flippantly say "well thats just how they are. Your social anxiety is making it seem worse than it really is." As if she was in some sort of cool club that "understands mean people are not actually mean." (false. mean people do a lot of harm and damage. I needed to learn how to stick up for myself, assertiveness, and cultivate self esteem )

Arbie, I really liked your quotes in your OP. #1 and #3 resonated w/ me a lot.

more validation would have been nice from my mother, too

I remember when I was diagnosed being told by her,

" well, you'll never be anything. your life is ****ed."

no validation or acceptance what so ever

and she blamed it all on me

it's not your fault, you're not a bad child, we'll get you help - re getting mentally ill as a child

--You're an individual, not a copy of me. Your opinions and feelings matter too.

I am so sorry your mother was / is that way. You deserve better.

but Do i?

I often wonder these days.. firstly if my mother has no faith in me, who will? (if you can't rely on your mother, who can you rely on?)

and yes... she's right about my life being ****ed and me being nothing

so I suppose...

*sighs*

I suppose i'm worthless

Yes, you do because anyone would especially from a “Mom”. But it is so hard to believe it. And it is so hard to escape such an expectation when you are told it’s your future. I don’t know you - but I have seen strength from you here in this forum. You deserve better and if helping one person counts toward being something more than nothing you have achieved at least that for me. I can only offer virtual hugs but they come along with virtual faith too.

I wish they'd said "your grandfather is alive and wants to see you ". Instead, I was told he was dead....until he actually DID die. I wish I could have known him.

I also wish they'd said "good job" when I graduated with a 3.8 grade point average instead of "School costs lots of money; don't f*** it up".

I'm still having trouble accepting the hatred and will always wonder what I did.

I made the Dean's List and was told it didn't matter. I'd never get a good job because I'm too fat.

For reference, think of Natalie from Facts of Life.

A simple "You made the Dean's List? Good job!" would have been great.

I wish my parents had said I Love You, You are a Part of this Family, You Matter, It's Not Your Fault. We Both Stopped Drinking, We Will Never Treat You Badly Again, We Will Get Help, and All of this Family Will Get the Help We All Need to Make Our Family as Normal as Possible!!!

you can be anything in the world if you want to be