The Root of all Evil

Childhood Emotional Invalidation.

I think i have finally found whats wrong with me.
Why i am who i am. Why i have certain needs, wants, longings.
Why good is bad and bad is good.
Why i need proofs. and to prove others. why im lost. and a lost cause.
This may mean i am helpable but also not.
No blames, just understanding.
and wanting to feel better by following the only way i can make things true.
wanting to be seen, real, having experiences but without living. loved but not needed.
acceptance, understanding.
just trying to exist, the only way i know how…
and trying, relationships, reactions, risking, avoidance. dont even try. relating to others and the world… is too hard. better hide… better die.

I love the saying, "Be the person now that you needed when you were a child."

At the age of 54, I started learning things I sensed were missing in my life but had no idea because I had lived with people like that all my life. At 54, I freed myself to get out of the last environment that was like that after my mom died.

These last 11 years have been a TOTAL learning experience & it has been awesome.

What I realized was that all my life, I wondered if that was really how everyone reacted to others. After I left my bad marriage it opened understanding to the bad marriage & the problems I had with my parents & found out I wasn't the common denominator but they were.

We are never too old to learn & grow.....if ut is inside of us it will come out when we are in the right environmemt & we feed & cultivate what has been there all along

i just dont think i have a choice but living the way i am living.
if i could, i would…. i guess

Understanding and learnign is the first step for healing.

Sometimes we have to make drastic changez to make it happen.

I was still dealing with major depression, major anxiety topped off with anorexia & PTSD that happend when my mom dying of cancer.

It took me almost 1 1/2 years before I sold her house, bought my farm 2100 miles away where I didn't k ow anyone & leff my H acter living with him for 33 years in a bad marriage. It was a huge change for me because even though I had a computer engineering career before this all hit, I had never lived alone.

I wouldn't change these past 11 years of learning & growing for anything....it has been truly a life changing experience for me.

I am a childhood abuse victim too where it sounds absolutely suffocating.

When I was in pre-primary, my teacher stuffed me in a bag and I don't remember much but I told my parents later about it. I told them, "there was no light in the bag!" and "I couldn't find the light switch." So much for childhood schizophrenia.

Before that I was thrown on the wall by my father when I was around two to three months old. My mother told me a few months ago.

And then I was isolated from the rest of the society by both my parents. They thought "the world is evil" and "is trying to harm [you.]" so they figured out I shouldn't go outside of school, tuition and later college. And not on my own either for that matter. So here I am, an autistic, brain damaged, schizophrenic socially awkward, squinted, obese kid who wanted to be a doctor.

So much for childhood abuse.

And it wasn't their foolishness entirely either. I used to watch TV day and night because I couldn't go outside. That left me hyper-stimulated and did nothing but damage my brain further. It's amazing I am not rambling. So, here you are, a child who became demented at the age of three month.

I thought that understanding the root of it all would have freed me, but i only find myself sinking and sinking down alone in my issues. no help for me

Understanding is ONLY the beginning. It's what you do with that understanding that makes the difference

Sometimes one must remember that help comes in the form of a 'leg up': which means it takes work and it is up to us.

I dont think i have any power to make changes in my life

Please do not think in a negative manner. Your life is temporary, don't lose it as fast as you want, and keep living. Look at my last reply, am I not living? Your life is probably better than mine, because I have the desire to own a Royal Enfield yet parents keep discouraging me from being normal, "Wait for two or three months, ride your scooter on road and we'll buy you an Enfield", would've been fun if they weren't so manipulative and spoke at least an ounce of truth.

(Royal Enfield, a motorbike which is a symbol of social pride in my region, is what I consider GET AWAY FROM TRAUMA therapy, get away from my home and live far away in a college campus. I am not sure I am going to go to college on my own this year too.)

I didn't have the ability either but when the opportuinty presented itself & I made it happen, I was outta there.

We NEVER know when that opportunity will show up & if we are just feeling stuck rather tban aware, one wouldn't want to miss it.

Don't give up hope, sinking. Everyone can make changes.

What if i dont want it because i strongly believe this is the only way im supposed to live?

That is your choice. Just make sure YOU understand ALL the reasons for making your choice using wise mind techniques.....but bottom line it is your life & your choice. No one can make yiu change. It has to be something YOU WANT.......

But if it is what you want then complaining about it is pointless.....understanding why you make your choice of why this is the only way you are supposed to live is self-validation. Just make sure it is NOT just because you have become comfortable living that way ir because yiu wrongly feel you deserve it.....but no matter what yiyr reasoning.....it is ALL your choice you make for your own life.....just hope you understand the consequences of your choices.