[Fuzzybear]

I was not allowed to be angry.. I apparently did not deserve respect

It’s scary to be abused and “just left to get on with it”

How dare they do that to me

[Rohag]

Fuzzybear, how closely did your parental units monitor you for signs of anger?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Fuzzybear, how closely did your parental units monitor you for signs of anger?

Very closely.

I suppose I could have been angry when I was left alone in that play pen.

I was banished to the bedroom or worse if I expressed any anger or any disagreement with the Commands of the Parental Units.

They said “say you’re sorry” .. and I did

Sorry for what? For being me I suppose

I “should have been grateful” they didn’t throw me out on the streets at the age of 10 I suppose.

I “should have been grateful” they didn’t force me to “move on” and “move out” completely at the age of 10.

I “should be grateful” to the units for repeatedly telling me what a horrible person I am, for abandoning me

And for NEVER apologising for anything

And for NEVER owning any of their stuff

But I’m not grateful to them. So I’m a “bad person”

Sorry for the rant

[Rohag]

What is the importance of "the age of 10"?
(Please feel free to ignore the question.)

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

What is the importance of "the age of 10"?
(Please feel free to ignore the question.)

I’m not sure it’s safe to say this out on the boards

Thank you for always being kind, intelligent and supportive.

Unlike the PUs (and some others who may feel they are “superior” (in “real” life) you do not “misuse your “”potential””....and are always open to real communication, not simply cliched platitudes or worse (as so many in this forest seem to think is the “right” thing to do.. to simply dismiss our pain. And if that doesn’t “work” to become more obviously and aggressively dismissive

Love and light to all sentient beings

[Albatross2008]

I was lectured with every Bible verse and feel-good philosophy there was, any time I felt even the slightest bit of anger. Funny thing was, the same mother who lectured me about how bad it was to be angry was allowed to lose her temper all she wanted.

[Fuzzybear]

Some more “good” thoughts by “superior” others

“You are responsible for your own happiness” - not completely without “truth” but inane, harsh, dismissive.. useless to anyone in pain who has been ABUSED and neglected, by PUS. And who may well be having a whole lot of painful stuff going on quite apart from this abuse and neglect.

Comparing abuse, comparing pain.. so boring. So tiring. So useless.

And people who accuse others of their OWN abusive behaviours Again like the PUs. I’m so tired and so sick of the haters in this world

(Not about anyone here)

[TishaBuv]

What you experienced were abuse tactics that abusers do. Are your parents still alive? I eventually read my mother the Riot Act about everything she did to us. She’s a narcissist. Of course she denied everything. But eventually I wore her down into a graveled apology and a hug. She said she did the best she could. And that’s honestly the truth. She didn’t have me with the intent of being abusive. She was mentally ill to a degree and couldn’t help taking it out on me. Fortunately for me, she was a very good, loving mother in many ways and that is probably what did give me strength and healthier feelings. Perhaps your parents were purely bad and abusive.

I really do feel a sense of release and feel better having confronted her and demanding that apology though. Even though I had to practically beat it out of her, it really helped me.

So, I guess I am suggesting you open up a can of whoop azz on your parental units verbally, confrontationally for your own sense of well being.

[Stone92]

I wasn't allowed to be angry either. Or sad. I would get yelled at if I showed emotions my mommy dearest didn't like.


It causes so much pain, and shame, to be treated like that. It's a horrible way to treat anyone, let alone a vulnerable child. Your PUs were wrong. And, it makes sense that you would be angry about being mistreated. You were right to be upset.

[eskielover]

As a child I used to get into verbal battles all the time especially with my mom. My dad would hide in the garage. Well it was always whete he spent all his time anyway.

I remember having a resolve when I was in junior high to stop fighting with them. It lasted all of a few days then like normal they said something to spur on a fight. I remember thinking in my mind....ok if this is the way you want it FINE. I just fought back since it was what they seemed to want.....& I threw back the verse....."don't provoke your child to anger".....(dang that was way back around 1966)

Being an only child I stayed in my own room most of the time when I wasn't at school anyway. My mom held onto her anger. I just blew up & couldn't remember what the battle was about after it was over because it was always about stupid stuff but that was my childhood. It took me until after I left my bad marriage to realize the anxiety I felt in my marriage was the same thing I had felt all my.life. it was so nice to have it all gone though I kinda felt like an orphan with absolutely no family alive except my daughter who we get along with each other at a distance. Better at a distance than not at all.

So many different ways parents find ways of being so dysfunctional & causing such bad & lasting effects on their kids.

As a parent, fighting not being anything like my parents but not having a mentor of how to be, I found my own ways to mess up my own daughter. There just is no good manual on raising kids especially when we are fighting our own battles.

[Open Eyes]

Fuzzybear, I am 61 and the generation I grew up in the message to children was "do as you are told" and keep your mouth shut, no talking, obey, obey, obey and children were not to question and even had to accept what is now called bullying, abuse, and neglect even when the teacher or parent behaves badly, a child is told to respect and obey that teacher and some teachers and parents were actually bullies.

I suppose I could have been angry when I was left alone in that play pen.

I was banished to the bedroom or worse if I expressed any anger or any disagreement with the Commands of the Parental Units.

They said “say you’re sorry” .. and I did

Sorry for what? For being me I suppose

I “should have been grateful” they didn’t throw me out on the streets at the age of 10 I suppose.

I “should have been grateful” they didn’t force me to “move on” and “move out” completely at the age of 10.

I “should be grateful” to the units for repeatedly telling me what a horrible person I am, for abandoning me

And for NEVER apologising for anything

And for NEVER owning any of their stuff

But I’m not grateful to them. So I’m a “bad person”

Fuzzy, the reason "you are responsible for your own happiness" can bring up anger and resentment in you is because if a child is exposed to a lot of dysfunctional behaviors it's really hard for any child to feel any kind of personal power to develop a sense where that child is actually in control and has a sense of freedom to pursue their own happiness. So many children are encouraged to believe that something is only important if someone else, an authority type figure "says" it's important. A lot of children were encouraged to believe their value was always determined by someone else too. And what that can end up causing is a child that unknowingly keeps gravitating to a certain kind of person in an effort to FINALLY gain respect and permission to have value and the problem with that is it is this kind of person that NEVER allows that to take place. It can "seem" like this particular person is capable of that, they can seem really nice too, but that's really not how these individuals operate and the problem with that is they are like this because they themselves were groomed to be that way.

Fuzzy, one of the things that human beings practice that is often harmful is "shunning". This is a form of "abandonment" that is used towards individuals who fail to go along lock step with whatever is considered a structure that must be followed. What you have shared above tends to reflect the way a child can begin to feel when they are shunned if they don't allow the parental figure/figures to have all the control where you can only interact THEIR way and they threaten to abandon you by completely expelling you from your home. A parent that instills fear instead of engaging and talking and teaching a child definitely instills the wrong messages. And it's this kind of parent that teaches children they are not allowed to have feelings and emotions, the child must learn that it's the parent's feelings and emotions that are more important and it's the child's responsibility to nurture the parent so the parent is emotionally happy and satisfied. Often parents teach "codependency" and that ends up becoming the child's skills long before the child has any idea what it means. Codependency is "conditional love" in that someone is only appreciated as long as they place the other person's emotions and needs over their own. So, it's really not surprising a person that has been trained to do this struggles with "you are responsible for your own happiness". How can someone know how to self care when all they were taught to do was put the needs of others before themselves and if they did not they were shunned and abandoned?

Why is age 10 so important? Well, often that can be the maturity level of someone in that by age 10 a child tends to adhere to a pattern or structure where they slip into their role of "codependency" in some kind of "toxic" environment and that's about the time where their subconscious mind has adapted to the dysfunctional structure. Perhaps by that age a person has figured out how to adapt to not having their own feelings and emotions, but finally just goes along with servicing the emotional needs of others.

Fuzzy, for a really long time you did not say very much, you were quiet. It's good to see that you have found a voice.