Need for a calm, gentle, and caring parent

What the title says. They didn’t listen to me and what’s more, they were mean to me. They never helped me. I was alone.

I can relate. Crazy parents and brother. Mean like the devil. But, I am surviving without them. I forgave them because they are ignorant. I just try to live my life to the best of my abilities with what I have. I still care for them and talk to them. I try to let the past go and cherish my dysfunctional relationship with them. Time is flying by fast, and they are becoming old. I wish they were nice, gentle, and always caring. But, what I got from them was meanness, conditional love, and harsh words and treatment. I can relate. I know my mother is mentally ill though and my father did not know how to deal with it. She has never been properly diagnosed and takes no medication. But, her grandiose ideas and impulsiveness with her ups an downs in her mood made her hell to live with. My father just ignored her and worked all of the time. I was always alone although I have a brother who is also dysfunctional. After I became ill, I understood my mother's irrational behavior. I forgave all of them because it is better to forgive them than to remain bitter and sad about them. They did not intentionally mean to hurt me, I feel. They just did not know any better. I don't think ignorance is bliss but can be harmful and have deleterious outcomes as in my situation. I did whatever my mother forced me to do and now have nothing but wasted experiences and memories. I was initially angry but now that I realize my life is finite. I re-focused my energies on surviving with what I have and what I can do with my abilities. I can't say I can forget what they did to me but just forgive them. I learn this from being a Christian which I don't practice now. But, essentially forgiving them has allowed me to enjoy what remains of my life and be grateful for what I have.

i heard a quote once that i liked:

dysfunctional families come in 10,000 varieties;
functional families come in only one: calm, caring and safe.

how do you treat yourself ?

if I could add one thing to what you listed in functional families Gus? Calm, caring, safe and treating with respect

I think I have the capacity for forgiveness but I do not and will not exercise it here.

Perhaps I have never in my life forgiven anyone. Concepts such as forgiveness are unclear to me. If someone wrongs me, either it is too much for me to get past, or I can brush it off.

I have empathy and understand the struggles of my parents and all that they faced in raising me. I have had this empathy all throughout my childhood. The were mean to me and I handled them as best as I could. This empathy has drained me and I won't let it further cloud my perception of what their treatment of me was like. They were, in fact, mean and dismissive and shaming.

I'm angry and I don't really care about letting that go. I don't know what forgiveness is anyway as no one forgave me. Frankly I don't care about them enough to need to forgive them.




I do not trust easily, or maybe ever. I don't think I'm capable of it. I do not care much about anything. I don't care about forgiveness, friendship, or love. It's all a farce.

Theoretically, all I want is for someone to answer every time I ask for them. But in practice, I will never ask for them, ever.



I think I treat myself just fine. I am somewhat career oriented (the only good thing about me), but perhaps I don't eat very healthy or work out though. I also self harm and am depressed. I don't know what that means to people. I think I'm pretty healthy!

What people don't see through my unpolished demeanor is that I am, at the core, calm and strategic.

People don't know me.