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Default Jun 27, 2018 at 07:09 PM
  #1
I just realized this is a huge reason why I struggle with even friendships. I can't accept love or care from people. If anyone says either, I think there has to be a reason, they can't be serious.

Is this normal from CEN? Also.... how to cure it? I'm thinking of bring it up in therapy but idk
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 03:59 AM
  #2
It is very normal in those of us who lived through CEN. I struggled with it too. My mother and two older sisters trained me to fail and convincingly brainwashed me into believing I was worthless. I had to work hard to shed that. Also, good for you that you see that! Recognizing where we are off track helps us in so many different ways. We can make different choices, better choices.

Please, bring it up in your therapy.

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 08:53 AM
  #3
I always thought this:

if you can't be loved by your own mother and your own flesh and blood, who can love you?

I struggle with this too- accepting people who are trying to help me and look out for me.

for me, it's like this:
I'll wonder if the people are being nice to me because they want to, or because they feel sorry for me- but in a bad way

like they look at me and think.. oh, not her past again. I'm fed up with it- so like they don't really believe half the stuff I went through, but pretend they do so they can get in my head

do you all understand?
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 08:59 AM
  #4
Yep makes sense, glad I'm not alone. I wrote out a journal thing I'll read in therapy about it.

I had a rupture with my therapist in May that nearly ruined our great relationship, because I got so crazy spooked about him abandoning me and I thought that was my issue but it really isn't. I'm ok without him, most days.... this was the real issue, because I've never felt actually cared about by someone like this. I had to constantly question it and had to say, it's only because I pay him or he has to be. Not because I'm worth it but he goes above and beyond for me and it's really unfair to use those reasons... so I struggled because I could not understand or accept WHY he cares or feels I matter. It really freaks me out and it's hard to understand.

Another good example... my best friend lives in another state.... sometimes we will be laughing and she says "I love you" and I cringe. I instantly laugh because there is no way she is actually serious. I've been friends with her for 6 years and I still don't believe her for a second. It's sad really

However, I believe completely that my dog loves and cares for me. The only real love I've ever known, was from dogs.

Is there even any hope to work through this? Seems like a daunting task
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 09:08 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
Yep makes sense, glad I'm not alone. I wrote out a journal thing I'll read in therapy about it.

I had a rupture with my therapist in May that nearly ruined our great relationship, because I got so crazy spooked about him abandoning me and I thought that was my issue but it really isn't. I'm ok without him, most days.... this was the real issue, because I've never felt actually cared about by someone like this. I had to constantly question it and had to say, it's only because I pay him or he has to be. Not because I'm worth it but he goes above and beyond for me and it's really unfair to use those reasons... so I struggled because I could not understand or accept WHY he cares or feels I matter. It really freaks me out and it's hard to understand.

Another good example... my best friend lives in another state.... sometimes we will be laughing and she says "I love you" and I cringe. I instantly laugh because there is no way she is actually serious. I've been friends with her for 6 years and I still don't believe her for a second. It's sad really

However, I believe completely that my dog loves and cares for me. The only real love I've ever known, was from dogs.

Is there even any hope to work through this? Seems like a daunting task


what type of dog do you have

I agree dogs are great.

none judgemental and so calming too.

I wish I could have one, but not in a good place mentally to give it the care it needs
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 09:17 AM
  #6
Currently a husky/cattle dog. He is 15. During the course of therapy in the last year, I had to deal with my other dog, my best friend ever, getting cancer and then dying. Without my therapist to support and help me through, I would have taken my life. I still struggle without my beloved dog... but it's gotten easier to manage day to day.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 10:10 AM
  #7
Meet more people. It really is true you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! You know i looooove my chiropractor. He is literally half my age (im 66, he is 33) and he is married with children, but his brain and my brain just click - we get each others jokes, and that happened from day one, and he even said it was important on day one. It just restored my faith in life, that i wasnt alone. It was kind of like finding a four leaf clover, but if there is one, theres gotta be another one, right?

Just keep looking. And keep going to therapy, so you dont keep leaking creepy stuff when you DO meet possible people. People YOU might like or care about, people who are worthy of YOUR love and care - thats the important thing.
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 12:56 PM
  #8
Have yawl heard of Dr. Nathaniel Brandon? His specialty was self-esteem. He wrote several best sellers about it. I have some of his books. He passed away some time back.

Anyway, this is from one of his books verbatim: (I have a self-esteem board on my blog and I used it for that):

"How we feel about ourselves crucially affects virtually
every aspect of our experience, from the way we function at work, in live, in sex,
to the way we operate as parents to how high in life we are
likely to rise. Our responses to the happenings in our everyday life are
shaped by who and what we are. Self-esteem is the key to success or
failure. Self-esteem has another value-it also holds the key to
understanding ourselves and other people. I cannot think of a single
psychological problem that is not traceable to a poor self-concept.
Positive self-esteem is a cardinal requirement of a fulfilling life."

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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 02:05 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Meet more people. It really is true you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! You know i looooove my chiropractor. He is literally half my age (im 66, he is 33) and he is married with children, but his brain and my brain just click - we get each others jokes, and that happened from day one, and he even said it was important on day one. It just restored my faith in life, that i wasnt alone. It was kind of like finding a four leaf clover, but if there is one, theres gotta be another one, right?

Just keep looking. And keep going to therapy, so you dont keep leaking creepy stuff when you DO meet possible people. People YOU might like or care about, people who are worthy of YOUR love and care - thats the important thing.
How does meet more people solve this issue. I could know 100 people and still not feel worth love or care from any

Also wtf creepy stuff? I'm looking for support and that was very rude
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 02:07 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by HappyCrafter View Post
Have yawl heard of Dr. Nathaniel Brandon? His specialty was self-esteem. He wrote several best sellers about it. I have some of his books. He passed away some time back.

Anyway, this is from one of his books verbatim: (I have a self-esteem board on my blog and I used it for that):

"How we feel about ourselves crucially affects virtually
every aspect of our experience, from the way we function at work, in live, in sex,
to the way we operate as parents to how high in life we are
likely to rise. Our responses to the happenings in our everyday life are
shaped by who and what we are. Self-esteem is the key to success or
failure. Self-esteem has another value-it also holds the key to
understanding ourselves and other people. I cannot think of a single
psychological problem that is not traceable to a poor self-concept.
Positive self-esteem is a cardinal requirement of a fulfilling life."
It's true but it's not an easy fix. I'm still told on a near daily basis by my mom that I'm an idiot etc. I believe I'm actually stupid more than i believe I'm worth love or care
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Default Jun 28, 2018 at 02:29 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
Currently a husky/cattle dog. He is 15. During the course of therapy in the last year, I had to deal with my other dog, my best friend ever, getting cancer and then dying. Without my therapist to support and help me through, I would have taken my life. I still struggle without my beloved dog... but it's gotten easier to manage day to day.


I'm so sorry to hear about your other dog.

but hey, I'm really glad you're with us

((((hugs))))
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Default Jul 02, 2018 at 06:02 AM
  #12
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It's true but it's not an easy fix. I'm still told on a near daily basis by my mom that I'm an idiot etc. I believe I'm actually stupid more than i believe I'm worth love or care
DP, sounds like it's more than CEN...this sounds like emotional abuse.

I fully believe CEN is traumatic. How I'm healing is...ironically by being shown compassion, care and even love from friends (including internet friends. Most of my loving friends are online)...by being shown those and my own mutual care, love, compassion for them...I feel I matter to them and they matter to me too.

As for the belief that you're unworthy of love and care, I have that too. Same as the belief people will get sick of me when they realise how disgusting I am... "Oh my friends just see my good persona"...I don't have an answer...

What I do know from your posts on PC is that I believe you do deserve love, support and care. And that the unworthiness you feel is a trauma response from the CEN. I know, I know you could think "QM doesn't know me".

I've read that if a abused child has a compassionate witness, they fare better even if they couldn't be protected from abuse...

But with CEN, a deep message about your unworthiness is ingrained in you...
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Default Jul 10, 2018 at 04:50 PM
  #13
I just read all of your posts and the responses. I'm sorry, DP, that you feel this way about yourself. In saying that, I wonder why I can't say this same thing to myself. Lately, I've noticed an emergence of the concept of self-compassion in therapy, which in the limited articles I've read, has been quite successful in therapy with depressed and anxious patients.
The results of my psychological testing three years ago noted neglect, a personality disorder NOS w/avoidant features (NOT an Avoidant Personality Disorder), emotional abuse, cognitive problems of unknown origin, etc. I know many of my problems are rooted in CEN, though my T and I haven't talked about it, specifically.

I don't think I have any useful suggestions in answer to your questions, other than to tell you that you have to feel you are worthy of love and care before you can believe/trust that others love and care for you. My T has been a huge help for me, though I still have my moments of doubt. At the end of our last session two weeks ago (he took July 4th off, but saw clients all other days), I texted him, feeling self-destructive. He's given me access to him by texting, emailing, or calling out of sessions. I don't often text him, even when I'm struggling, but I did two weeks ago. Normally, he responds within 10 minutes, if only to acknowledge he received my text. I still had no response the next morning. He told me a month ago that he had been getting spam texts and that if I texted him, it may take him longer to respond. However, in our last appt. he told me he downloaded another message app and the spam texts had decreased. So......what did I think when he didn't respond? That he was tired of my texts and had blocked me. It was difficult, but I emailed him by sending my text from the night before. He responded in a couple of minutes, telling me to feel free to email him with what was going on. I emailed him, "Can't. Sorry." We'll talk about it tomorrow. The point of all of this is to tell you that if you think about how your T (or your best friend) typically treat you, speak to you, etc., you need to remember their past behavior and internalize it. It's not easy, but you have to trust those people closest to you and think about how consistent they've been. I'm scared to death my T is going to tell me that he did, indeed, block me, but he's never given me any indication he would do such a thing and just a month ago told me what to expect if I texted him. Doing that with my T, recalling how consistent he's been, always being available, never giving me any reason to believe he'd stopped caring - that was a very big step for me toward feeling I was worthy of being loved and cared for.

I do understand what you feel. Perhaps, telling your T what you've posted here about CEN will help your T find a way to be of more help. It's so unfair that others have caused the damage, but we're the only ones who can fix what was done to us.
{{Hugs}} ~~

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Default Jul 19, 2018 at 07:05 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I always thought this:

if you can't be loved by your own mother and your own flesh and blood, who can love you?

do you all understand?
Yes, this is the question I cannot shake. It’s deep and persistent. How to believe you can be of use to anyone if you have a face even a mother can’t love? It drives my sadness and my panic and blocks all my attempts to find worthiness in myself.
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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 10:01 PM
  #15
I really struggle with friendships. I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Other people have happy families and longtime friendships and I don’t have that. I’m not sure if it’s envy or lack of self worth I’m feeling but I always feel that I’m not good enough when I meet new people. I would like to build friendships but I need to overcome the feelings of unworthiness. I often feel very sad about it. I’ll look into books by the author someone here mentioned.
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