The hulk

I read about CEN through a thread or a blog posting (can't remember) but being the inquisitive person that I am I researched the subject matter which lead me to this book "Toxic Parenting-Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Dr. Susan Forward.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother. Through years of therapy I was able to identify some of my coping skills but I never progressed far enough to address my inner child and so my progress in therapy was minimal. I soon left therapy still feeling empty and unable to make sense of my feelings until this book unexpectedly stirred up my inner child.

I didn't have a name for the emptiness that I felt inside or my inability to connect with others. I couldn't understand why when someone would do something nice for me that I felt suspicious of them. Or when someone would pay me a compliment why I thought that they were being fake and didn't really mean it or that they are just lying to me.

My husband hasn't been able to understand how such an intelligent woman can't believe him when he says that "I'm beautiful". 30 years of marriage later I still don't believe him but now I have a name or condition of the problem and now I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I feel like the Hulk; I want to SMASH everything and it's taking every bit of energy to keep the feelings under control.

I've put down the book temporarily and I'm looking for a therapist who can help me manage the chaos I feel inside but in the meantime I'd like the group's advice as to how I can manage my emotions so that it doesn't destroy me and all that I have worked for in life in spite of myself.

I am the same, only i also was abused, and I don't think my H of 25 years will understand.

There is never an easy way for someone to tell the one person they love the most that they were hurt and are still in pain. I told my husband about the sexual abuse (compliments of a SOB family friend),verbal abuse (compliments of daddy dearest) and neglect (by both parents) I experienced when I was a little girl early in our marriage. He listened and was able to be patient with me as I sorted myself out. I thank G-d for him as he is the one person in my life that has given me a glimpse of what real love looks like otherwise I would have self destructed.Three adult children later, I'm at a place where I need to go back and revisit my past so I can rebuild my inner child. She's been in the closet for some time now and I want to let her out but I'm terrified of the pain.

I can only speak from my experience but a family therapist helped me reveal to my husband my innermost secrets. She taught him how to listen and mirror me and when I was done I felt such a relief that someone other than myself knew what had happened to me. I felt a small shift in the time continuum. I'm not saying that the pain went away only that someone else knows (kinda hard for me to describe).

I still want to SMASH.