When siblings triangulate

I was playing a word game online when this scenario came into my head. How many times has something like this happened to an innocent child? Say little Susan is playing one of those games where you find words within words. She comes up with something that's maybe borderline r-rated, in some contexts. "Nuts," for example. Her brother knows full well she means it innocently, but he's playing a game of a different sort. "Mom! Susan's over here writing dirty words!" Mom barely bothers to investigate and won't listen to any defense. Susan is in big trouble, and Brother thinks it's funny. Sound familiar?

Were you the scapegoat? Did your siblings go out of their way to get you in trouble, even when you weren't actually doing anything wrong?

I was the scapegoat. My younger brother never TRIED to get me in trouble, but he, my stepdad, and my mom were definitely on a team, three against one.


Did you experience something like this with your siblings?


What is your relationship like now that you are adults?

Only my sister and I still have a relationship.

This would have primarily been done by the older of my two brothers. (Both are younger than I am, but just barely.) I think he did it because he was openly thought to be a problem child. He spoke his mind and did as he pleased, and that didn't fly in a family full of control freaks. He was scapegoated most of his life, while I was thought of as a goody two-shoes because I was quiet and obedient. He used every opportunity he could to make me look bad. If he couldn't get me in trouble with adults (sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and usually it was my father who wouldn't bother to listen to a defense) he went out of his way to embarrass me in front of neighbors and classmates. I realize now, making me look bad was the only way he could feel better about himself.

We only communicate occasionally on Facebook now. He's the only one I haven't blocked. Younger brother, I have. Ever since I started being honest about family dysfunction, I became the scapegoat.

Yeah, that sounds like exactly what he was doing, trying to take the heat off himself. It's really interesting how the scapegoat roles changed.


And yep, that's why I'm the scapegoat, too, I won't be quiet about what goes on in the family. Trying to get them to see the light is pointless, so I have very little contact with anyone on my mom's side.

When you were younger, did you know what was going on about the "family dysfunction" and just hold your tongue? Maybe you knew you would be scapegoated if you spoke out?

I was the scapegoat. I was always considered the more difficult child from a young age because I was painfully shy and didn’t communicate well. It led to a lot of misunderstanding. I did end up being much more difficult than my brother but I don’t think I deserved the blame for all the problems in the family.

When I was little to semi-little, I was the Golden Child, or so I thought. What was actually going on was that I kept my mouth shut and jumped to obey when told to do something. I basically didn't move until I was told what to do. Even if outright asked how I felt about something, I just said what they wanted to hear instead of giving my honest opinion. I sucked up to the adults. I always got along better with grown relatives and with teachers than I did with kids my own age. The result was that the adults considered me "good," and gave me extra privileges, and might even ask the other kids why they couldn't be more like me. Predictably, the other kids hated my guts for it.

I often got the old "keep your mouth shut about family matters" speech.



"Golden Child" status held up only as long as I kept quiet and did what I was told. As I became obviously depressed and showed signs of what is now PTSD, I shifted to "identified patient." I was the "crazy" one in the family, and everybody else was "normal." Therefore, nothing I say is to be taken seriously. I don't know what I'm talking about, because I'm off my rocker.

You can bet I'm Scapegoat now. The younger of my two brothers inherited the Golden Child status. He can have it. I have no contact with him. Or with my mother. My father is no longer with us. And I've never met my (current) step-father, who is her ninth husband.

Wow, ninth husband. Yeah, as bad as being the scapegoat is, I think it means that we're the ones in the family who have the chance to recover and get out of the cycle of abuse, since we're the only ones who can see things as they really are.

I agree with you on that. It’s easy to forget that being the Scapegoat means you have a chance to escape and recover. I keep thinking lately about how doing what is right is usually much harder. But ultimately it is usually best in the end. ❤️

Exactly

I’m 45, my sister is 43 and my mother is 70-something. Yet I still remain the scapegoat. Just this past weekend we were all at camp together and for the tiniest of moments I had the center of positive attention (calling bingo no-less) and even that was too intolerable. My sister had to mention a college indiscretion - 23 years ago, so that whatever positive attention came my way was negated. It’s always been that way between those two. They can individually or as a team cut me down or tease me or tell my stories for me- but heaven help me if any such thing happens to my sister. I’m the always safe target. The punching bag. And until I started therapy a couple of years ago, I just helped them along heaping on scorn my own head. Maybe I can see it now, but I can’t seem to escape the habit... I may think it is love.