Do you feel “unworthy”

I am unworthy.

All the time.

Mostly it was my father I felt didn't care about me or think I was worth anything, even when I graduated valedictorian of my high school class. He hated my reading fiction books and writing papers for English and writing short stories in notebooks as a hobby, and I should be using my art skills to draw architecture, not portraits or still-lifes. He wanted me to be excited about math, physics, mechanics, electronics.

When I was in 2nd grade, he was laid off from his job (think it was a company buy-out situation), and he decided he would start his own business. From home.

OMG. A few years down the road, he built a shop on the land my parents owned next to the house (and about double the size too). He repaired things - TVs, VCRS, cars, tractors (lots of local family farms there), etc.

He was never gone except the rare service call. He wanted me to spend all my freetime working in his shop, and none of what he said about fixing things made a bit of sense to me. And of course there was no pay. He verbally abused me all the time and spanked way beyond appropriate age.

My mom just never stood up for me. Let my father have all the say. So I felt judged & worthless in her eyes too. Still often do.

I wanted to major in English in college, then maybe teach; he didn't like that, so I majored in microbiology. It wasn't hard; I was smart, but it wasn't me. I regret I never stood up to him and majored in what I wanted to, but of course, my parents were footing the college bills too. Sigh.

I still don't have a relationship with my dad. I still feel like he doesn't approve of me. He has now found religion, in a huge, Bible-thumper, ultraconservative interpretation of the Bible. He says all H's & my financial problems are because we don't attend church regularly; we are Christian, but it is hard for us to find the time with the tons of stress in our lives. He says I do not have a strong enough relationship to God, obviously God is punishing me for this, and if I did have a strong tie to God, I would have no mental health issues, and my daughter would have no sensory issues. And because I am not an ultra-conservative Republican, political viewpoints such as mine & my husband's (H is from California) are tearing apart the country.

Yeah.

That childhood trash just never goes away.

I can't imagine ever getting over this, and yet I hope one day I can. I have finally, after 20 years of on/off (usually trying once or sometimes twice in a year), I have finally, only about a month ago, found a T I click with and feel like I am making progress with. She's very open and kind, but I get scared too because she has told me a lot of my issues stem from the traumatic events in my life (I have several, but you can bet growing up with my father has been the longest-lasting) and that she is going to help me, but we are going to have to face and deal with all these traumas, and that frightens me because I'm scared of dealing with them. She strikes me very much as a person who, if she says she intends to do something, or this is her treatment plan, she means to follow it. I know she is right, but it is very scary too. And then she drew so many parallels with a parenting situation I had with my daughter and myself as a child growing up with my father, and I was like wow. Every single thing that happened in this situation went straight back to my childhood reactions.

So I have hope this T will get me there or towards there eventually, but it is going to take awhile. I've had nothing but more & more emotional garbage, added traumas. I do think if I stick with her, she will end up helping me a lot, more than any T I've ever had. I am fortunate to have finally found her.

Guilt is a strong motivator for CEN and CAN have life long impact on individuals, regardless of how strong we may become. I have struggled with feelings of "unworthiness" many decades in my life! Wading through invalidation is possible, though not easy.

ALL of us are worthy.

I constantly feel unworthy. Getting over it is a long slow process but it can be done.

Bits and pieces. One step at a time.

This past weekend, my husband and I renewed our vows for our tenth anniversary. Number one, I can't believe anybody lasted ten years with me. Number two, my husband agreed to the renewal even though he's a social phobic and the opposite of a party person. He put himself out there, showing me by his actions, "I'd marry you again." And then there's everybody who showed up for it... my in-laws flew in from two states away. So many people did so much for us to commemorate the occasion. How did I rate?

Even the morning of the event, I was having negative thoughts. Since I was divorced a few times before I met my husband, I could just *hear* my brother saying, "She's had so many weddings, and now she's even marrying a man she's already married to. She'll do anything to get everybody looking at her." That, of course, is not the reason, but sympathetic family members agreed, it does sound like something he would say.

My husband and my in-laws made sure to tell me I deserve every bit of this, and should enjoy it. Still hard to do. Those negative voices are persistent.

I didn't mean to make this all about me. I was just trying to explain how I relate to feeling unworthy.

((((Everyone)))) You're all worthy of love and attention. I'm sorry other people made you believe the opposite.

I agree. I feel unworthy (defective) a lot of the time and try to fight it. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes not. I never feel that I fit in and I’m especially sensitive to perceived rejection. My dad was abusive and both were neglectful and unable to show love or affection. It did a number on me that I’m still trying to work through.

I do positive affirmations morning and evening that are starting to help and I’ve made peace with my parents long ago. Hopefully one day I will feel worthy more often.

I have felt unworthy of love for many years. I am starting to investigate my own case of CEN which has made my life much more difficult and much more meaningless.

I am so thankful that CEN is finally being studied and given its proper place with mental health treatment. For many years I had therapists who seemed to have little idea of what I was talking about and no idea of how to properly treat it.

I am now starting to delve into childhood issues in, hopefully, a more successful way. My issues include a parent who raised me to be their caretaker and treated me almost as a slave. She did not believe in childhood and raised me to be an adult from the start. A parent who did not care about my happiness or success or my future, and who discouraged me from seeking friendship and love and taught me no interpersonal skills so that my life would be centered around her. She was cold and cruel, she did not hug her kids and her style was to always criticize and tear you down; she was a real narcissist who was unapologetic to the end.

Everyday is a struggle that I go through alone. I just do not trust or enjoy the company of other people very much though I am always trying.

Quite honestly, I've never even thought about this, but certain behaviors of mine make me think that I've been living with the unconscious conviction that I'm unworthy. I'm always surprised, incredibly so, when people are nice to me. Somebody seduced me once and I ground to a halt. I have a very hard time recognizing my positive traits. I can't even see them, to be honest. I blame all of this on my parents being rarely there for me when I was a kid and to nearly-incessant bullying in elementary and middle school (well, I get bullied nowadays as well, but that's another story)