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Old 12-09-2018, 09:23 AM #1
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Default I don't like being me.

As a child, I was treated so cruelly and neglected so much that I can't seem to generate interest in my own life. I hate being me.

My mother was especially cruel and both parents were neglectful. For some strange reason, they believed that kids were growing up too fast, so they did their best to keep me naive. This did me no favors socially as my peers were much more advanced than me because their parents raised them rather than my parents who forced me to raise myself.

In many ways, my parents were children who should not have had children because they did not like being parents. I was raised to be my Mom's caretaker and to behave as an adult from the start. There were no toys for me nor were there playdates with other kids; I was told that having friends was not important. Many times, I was forced to be the parent so they could shirk their responsibilities or try to make me take on their chores. Mom was cheap; I was told to ask for nothing. I did not understand other children.

Therapists don't even want me as a client as I make little to no progress. I am of the opinion that therapy is a waste of time; I have wasted thousands of dollars with marginal improvement. Therapy is not a successful treatment for bad parents. With a diagnosed "damaged inner child" - I am someone who does not know to have fun. I am responsible but will never be the life of parties like my parents. Socially, I don't fit in anywhere. My smile is mechanical because I have to remember to do it because otherwise I won't.


I don't know what to do anymore to make my life better. I am a loner because trying to connect with others just doesn't happen. Often, I attract very dysfunctional people and they force me further into isolation.
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Old 12-09-2018, 11:42 AM #2
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

I can certainly understand how your childhood led to your being a loner and not liking yourself. But we are here to help. I've had to learn how to be sociable, make small talk, etc. What would you like to specifically change about yourself, dear one?
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Old 12-09-2018, 12:23 PM #3
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

Loner, boy your childhood description almost exactly matches mine. I remember my older brother got Lincoln Logs and other such toys for xmas, but i knew not to ask for anything as everything cost money and wasnt worth it. That is, i wasnt worth it. THAT message i didnt figure out until, as you say, too late, too old.

But our clocks havent run out yet. So what do we do?
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Old 12-09-2018, 01:03 PM #4
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

Thanks TravelingLady and Unaluna! I am 60 years old now. I have a full-time job but don't earn a lot of money. Since I had heart bypass surgery, I have slowed down a lot.

I have trouble treating myself well. I buy cheap clothes. But, it's complicated because I am hard to fit - especially with shoes which are nearly impossible to find due to oddly sized and shaped feet. I fear that my below average looks have led to me being mistreated and rejected a lot socially. I don't know how to overcome this problem. I had my teeth straightened a bit. I recently grew a beard that has been well received. At best, I am plain. I have been trying to smile and joke more.

Recently, I tried to resume playing tennis again. I have not been playing well. The game has changed - it's much more powerful and I am old and slow! I've tried several different racquets to see if they will help but, so far, not much. I have started playing down - with lower rated players - until I (hopefully) improve. My feet really, really hurt after playing from arthritis. So, it's obvious that I need to find a new hobby, preferably one that is social.

I have never been very sexual. I run into problems in the rare instances when people find me attractive. The people I find attractive are never interested. I try to be friendly to everyone but it backfires and I end up with people turned off because I am not interested in sleeping with them or people who are very narcissistic and see us married before we have even had a date or sex. I am slow to recover when that happens; I withdraw. I am not flattered though T's have said I should be. Instead, I find it troubling.

I would like to relocate to a warmer climate where I could play tennis daily instead of weekly. I guess that won't happen until I retire.
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Old 12-09-2018, 01:26 PM #5
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

Moving South. Works for me! There's a sport called Pickleball that older people are playing now.

I ain't beautiful myself, but a smile and humor has helped me.
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Old 12-09-2018, 01:30 PM #6
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, LifelongLoner I'm sorry for what you've been through in your childhood. Unfortunately our parents' action can have consequences for the rest of almost our entire lives. However, that doesn't mean that we're doomed to not have an happy life. I'm glad you're still trying, playing tennis and doing several activities; I believe that's one of the best ways to cope with our childhood. I'm sorry therapy hasn't been helpful so far, maybe one day you'll find a right fit. I hope one day you'll feel better than you're doing now. In the meantime, remember that we're hert for you. Feel free to share and vent here. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this
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Old 12-09-2018, 02:26 PM #7
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LifelongLoner View Post
I don't know what to do anymore to make my life better. I am a loner because trying to connect with others just doesn't happen. Often, I attract very dysfunctional people and they force me further into isolation.
I can't say I have had the same experiences though I had childhood trauma... and I feel the same. Everyplace I go I meet horrible people who are just horrible forcing me to disconnect further.

I don't really know how to solve the problem. At the moment I just stay inside and try to get motivated by other things.
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Old 12-15-2018, 12:50 AM #8
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Hello LifelongLoner,

I am so sorry for your pain. I was struck by your message and feeling of: "I don't like being me." I go in and out of that feeling myself because I live with depression and, like you, I experienced childhood trauma. Unlike you, I have found some therapy at different points in my life to be useful. I hope, if you ever feel like trying again, that you find an insightful and empathetic therapist. Did you ever feel that you developed a rapport with any of your prior therapists? I think rapport is essential because the better the connection between therapist and client, the better the trust and progress. In my opinion anyway.

I would have been described as a "loner" in childhood and adolescence. Later on, I was able to make friends but I have realized that I maybe choose the wrong friends. I am a nurturer so my friendships often involve me taking care of others' emotional needs. Not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can be very one-sided and draining. So lately I have taken a step back from friendships and focused more on myself. And I will try again with some new folks wen I feel ready. I do have a very loving significant other which in the past I never thought would be possible. Just goes to show that we never know who is around the corner!

You mentioned that you think your physical appearance is "plain" and limits you. I don't want to over-step but that sounds like a symptom of depression and low self-esteem. Personally, I do not believe that there is a strong correlation between physical beauty/handsomeness and happiness. I have known some amazingly attractive people in my life and when I got to know them I found them to be so insecure and unhappy that I was shocked. I also know some "regular" looking folks who are feeling good and connected in life. Though I emphasize that I don't like to describe any human in terms of a rating of their looks. Yes, humans are visual creatures and a lot of societies emphasize that in order to sell things. BUT...we are all so very much more than our external!

Happiness comes from within. And I completely understand why that is so challenging for you because of how you were raised. You weren't taught to value yourself. But it is never too late.

You mentioned a damaged inner child. Have you ever tried talking or writing to your inner child? What do you think your inner child needs? What are they trying to communicate to you? I don't know you but based on some of your comments I think perhaps your inner child is seeking protection, connection, and unconditional love.

Where to start? With yourself. You could start actively giving yourself unconditional love. Even if it feels odd or unnatural to you....keep repeating and trying...maybe it will feel more natural in time. Tell yourself positive things. Take time to honor and appreciate yourself. Need some help to get started?
Lifelong loner, you are a survivor!
You made it to age 60 even though you got a rough start in life.
You are a dignified person.
You are a deep and intelligent person.
I know there’s so much more for you to be proud of if you give yourself the chance to reflect on your own goodness.

Maybe swimming would be a nice option for exercise if the tennis is bothering your arthritis?

Check out ‘Happy’ if you have Netflix. A documentary which gives practical strategies for improving our own happiness level.

I don’t know your belief system. I am not religious but I believe that we are all connected in the Universe. The next time, you don't like being yourself…try saying “wait, what am I doing? I am a precious being in the Universe…equally valued as all the other beings…I deserve peace and love and joy. Just because I don’t have those feelings right now does not mean that I won’t have them later.”

Have you ever tried volunteering? Might provide you with a safe opportunity to connect with others while still feeling safe and not latched upon as you described after some of your dates.

Do you meditate? I find it helpful. There are some really comforting guided meditations on YouTube. You can select any topic, thought or feeling that’s troubling you and meditate on it. I found some I really liked on loneliness and inner peace and the higher self.

Just some ideas for you. Coming from a place of care and respect. Disregard at will 😊 Peace and healing energy to you! I hope you find what you are seeking. Try to be kinder to yourself. I think that is where we all need to start in order to feel better…by developing a loving bond with ourselves. A safe non-threatening for you. Be well.
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Old 12-15-2018, 04:56 AM #9
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Default Re: I don't like being me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello LifelongLoner,

I am so sorry for your pain. I was struck by your message and feeling of: "I don't like being me." I go in and out of that feeling myself because I live with depression and, like you, I experienced childhood trauma. Unlike you, I have found some therapy at different points in my life to be useful. I hope, if you ever feel like trying again, that you find an insightful and empathetic therapist. Did you ever feel that you developed a rapport with any of your prior therapists? I think rapport is essential because the better the connection between therapist and client, the better the trust and progress. In my opinion anyway.

I would have been described as a "loner" in childhood and adolescence. Later on, I was able to make friends but I have realized that I maybe choose the wrong friends. I am a nurturer so my friendships often involve me taking care of others' emotional needs. Not a bad thing in and of itself, but it can be very one-sided and draining. So lately I have taken a step back from friendships and focused more on myself. And I will try again with some new folks wen I feel ready. I do have a very loving significant other which in the past I never thought would be possible. Just goes to show that we never know who is around the corner!

You mentioned that you think your physical appearance is "plain" and limits you. I don't want to over-step but that sounds like a symptom of depression and low self-esteem. Personally, I do not believe that there is a strong correlation between physical beauty/handsomeness and happiness. I have known some amazingly attractive people in my life and when I got to know them I found them to be so insecure and unhappy that I was shocked. I also know some "regular" looking folks who are feeling good and connected in life. Though I emphasize that I don't like to describe any human in terms of a rating of their looks. Yes, humans are visual creatures and a lot of societies emphasize that in order to sell things. BUT...we are all so very much more than our external!

Happiness comes from within. And I completely understand why that is so challenging for you because of how you were raised. You weren't taught to value yourself. But it is never too late.

You mentioned a damaged inner child. Have you ever tried talking or writing to your inner child? What do you think your inner child needs? What are they trying to communicate to you? I don't know you but based on some of your comments I think perhaps your inner child is seeking protection, connection, and unconditional love.

Where to start? With yourself. You could start actively giving yourself unconditional love. Even if it feels odd or unnatural to you....keep repeating and trying...maybe it will feel more natural in time. Tell yourself positive things. Take time to honor and appreciate yourself. Need some help to get started?
Lifelong loner, you are a survivor!
You made it to age 60 even though you got a rough start in life.
You are a dignified person.
You are a deep and intelligent person.
I know there’s so much more for you to be proud of if you give yourself the chance to reflect on your own goodness.

Maybe swimming would be a nice option for exercise if the tennis is bothering your arthritis?

Check out ‘Happy’ if you have Netflix. A documentary which gives practical strategies for improving our own happiness level.

I don’t know your belief system. I am not religious but I believe that we are all connected in the Universe. The next time, you don't like being yourself…try saying “wait, what am I doing? I am a precious being in the Universe…equally valued as all the other beings…I deserve peace and love and joy. Just because I don’t have those feelings right now does not mean that I won’t have them later.”

Have you ever tried volunteering? Might provide you with a safe opportunity to connect with others while still feeling safe and not latched upon as you described after some of your dates.

Do you meditate? I find it helpful. There are some really comforting guided meditations on YouTube. You can select any topic, thought or feeling that’s troubling you and meditate on it. I found some I really liked on loneliness and inner peace and the higher self.

Just some ideas for you. Coming from a place of care and respect. Disregard at will 😊 Peace and healing energy to you! I hope you find what you are seeking. Try to be kinder to yourself. I think that is where we all need to start in order to feel better…by developing a loving bond with ourselves. A safe non-threatening for you. Be well.
Sadly, I have tried all of this. Total waste of time. Useless advice.

Meditation, keeping a feelings diary, universal spirituality - did all of this with no improvement to my life whatsoever. They are ineffective treatments and wastes of time used to try to disguise how terrible a place the world currently is; and it's only getting worse. Modern therapy is all BS. Therapists - with their so-called "social justice" policies - are making the world a worse place by dividing it and fomenting hatred and cruelty. The NASW and similar organizations are no different and no better than the NRA. Instead of promoting justice and cooperation for all, they promote belief systems and actions designed to mistreat people. Therapists have promoted harm to others and have violated their public trust and mission to do no harm to others. Like the NRA, the NASW and similar organizations should be shut down for the damage they are doing to people and for the divisiveness and damage they are bringing to society. Thanks to the policies of NASW and similar organizations, I have been mistreated for decades resulting in incurable mental illness in the form of depression, C-PTSD and now increasingly proceeding to forms of psychosis.

I was a volunteer for many years for different organizations but was driven out and mistreated for being an older white male. (For the record, I am not and have never been a white supremacist.) I will never volunteer again and put myself in a place where I can be mistreated and harmed. I have learned my lesson. I have even experienced abuse in various church organizations. I will not go back. The bad experiences I've had at my numerous jobs are even more cruel. As stated previously, this increasingly mean society is sick, and it is getting worse in part due to the policies of therapists. Further, the methods that therapists are promoting to treat the damage they are doing to people are ineffective. Therapy has descended into quackery.

Shut down the NASW. It's subversive and cruel policies have significantly contributed to significantly worsening my debilitating mental health issues. The result has been a terrible life that continues to get worse.
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Old 12-15-2018, 10:34 AM #10
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I am sorry for all of your pain Lifelong Loner. My ideas were intended to provide comfort but now I realize they did not so I will refrain from sending more. Wishing you peace. Take care.
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