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Trig Dec 12, 2018 at 03:59 PM
  #1
I am not sure if this post should belong here or on another thread. I do not want to offend anyone. Has anyone here dealt with the death of an abusive parent?
I am dealing with this currently and it's very confusing and painful. I am further alienated by my dysfunctional family. Over time, they decided to re-write history and speak only of our father as though he were a saint. He was not. He was often cruel; emotionally and verbally abusive of my mother, my siblings, and myself. I lived on the end of his rage (as did my family) until I moved out. I was scared of him until the day he died.
Now that he's gone, I am not sure how to think or feel. I want to respect my family members' own feelings. So when they talk about how much they miss him and what a wonderful man he was, I keep my own thoughts to myself and simply provide messages of comfort. Which seems to be working for them but I feel very alone with my complex reaction. He was not a good father but my family seems to think that abuse only means intense physical or sexual assault. I do not agree. My therapist, back when I was still in therapy, agreed that my father was a very abusive parent and husband.
I do not miss him. But there is a lot of pressure in society to feel obligation to our parents regardless of how they treat(ed) us. And yet, I agree with a person who said "Remember that you do not have a familial obligation to be victimized."
Any thoughts folks?
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Default Dec 12, 2018 at 04:43 PM
  #2
Perhaps take a break from family while you work through your own grief.

It also might not hurt to get back into therapy as you work through your grief.

It is different for survivors of abuse to process the grief related to the passing of an abusive parent or sibling.

Especially if other family members continue to traumatize the abuse survivor by sticking up for the abuser(s).

My resolution was to go completely no contact, but not everyone is willing or able to take that path.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 11:14 AM
  #3
I'm so sorry you're struggling, HopefullyLost1211 It's very hard to cope with grieving if the death was an abuser. It's even harder if others paint the abuser in a positive light. I think you should just avoid the subject completely if you can. Don't talk about him and certainly don't go to any event that may celebrate him or his death. You may even decide to take some time for yourself away from your family. It's not easy but trust me, you can get over it. It will just take time, but it is possible. And please remember that you don't have any obligation to love your father. Sure, he's your parent and he gave you life, but all the abuse can't be forgotten. Just go your own path, you will decide whether to forgive him or not. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 11:37 AM
  #4
It sounds like your family is dealing with how your father was by being in denial. Unfortunately, this does happen a lot, it's a way of not dealing with how a parent's negative aspects affected them personally, so it's also being in their own denial about their own issues that came from the dysfunctional ways your father behaved. Also, each child will have their own ways of how the family dynamics affected them personally and how they related to your father and developed a bond with him that you may have never had with him.

Are you the youngest child? The oldest? how many siblings do you have?
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Default Dec 14, 2018 at 12:49 AM
  #5
Thank you very much for your kind replies...they helped me. Two things really stood out for me:

Quote: please remember that you don't have any obligation to love your father. Sure, he's your parent and he gave you life, but all the abuse can't be forgotten.

Quote: It sounds like your family is dealing with how your father was by being in denial.

Thank you, MickeyCheeky, for saying that I am not obligated to love my father. Because, you see, I don't/didn't love him. Dare I say it? I was relieved when he died. I certainly did not wish death or any harm on him. I would not wish that on anyone. But I only stopped feeling frightened of him when he died.

I felt an immense pressure from others in my life to feel bad because I ended contact with him and did not see him again until he was dying. In the end, I decided to treat him as though he were an elderly stranger who was ill. I wished him peace and comfort during his coma and after he died.

But the strange thing with abuse is that it does not simply end when the abuser dies. Some of the feelings and questions, for me anyway, just began after his death. Because you see I will never get a "sorry" or "please forgive me" or "you were only a child, you deserved peace and safety." He's gone. He was buried like a hero and here I remain. Living with the memories and confusion and pain.

Thank you, OpenEyes...your points about my family's denial were astute and well-taken. I don't live in denial, you see. It is very important to me to be authentic and speak my truth when possible. I always encourage others to do the same because I think it's healthier.

With regard to your question...I have several siblings. I am neither the eldest nor the youngest. I am sorry if that is too vague...the confidentiality on PC is a comfort to me. I cannot discuss these issues with my family directly. You folks here have given me more empathy and true solace than my family has in a year!!! Is that sad or a good thing?? I'll choose to deem it good...empathy from strangers is no bad thing! Especially when a person came from a fractured and aggressive family.

Peace to all here. I am sorry for your pain and wish you a very bright future!
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Default Dec 14, 2018 at 06:10 AM
  #6
Sending many hugs to you, HopefullyLost1211
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Default Dec 20, 2018 at 12:20 PM
  #7
I’m in the same exact situation. I thought I was alone in that and that no one could understand.
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Default Dec 21, 2018 at 05:12 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
I am not sure if this post should belong here or on another thread. I do not want to offend anyone. Has anyone here dealt with the death of an abusive parent?
I am dealing with this currently and it's very confusing and painful. I am further alienated by my dysfunctional family. Over time, they decided to re-write history and speak only of our father as though he were a saint. He was not. He was often cruel; emotionally and verbally abusive of my mother, my siblings, and myself. I lived on the end of his rage (as did my family) until I moved out. I was scared of him until the day he died.
Now that he's gone, I am not sure how to think or feel. I want to respect my family members' own feelings. So when they talk about how much they miss him and what a wonderful man he was, I keep my own thoughts to myself and simply provide messages of comfort. Which seems to be working for them but I feel very alone with my complex reaction. He was not a good father but my family seems to think that abuse only means intense physical or sexual assault. I do not agree. My therapist, back when I was still in therapy, agreed that my father was a very abusive parent and husband.
I do not miss him. But there is a lot of pressure in society to feel obligation to our parents regardless of how they treat(ed) us. And yet, I agree with a person who said "Remember that you do not have a familial obligation to be victimized."
Any thoughts folks?


my grandmother died in a nursing home at the age of 96.

she had severe dimentia at the time, and my family (mom and sister), wouldn't let me contact her in her final years- if I did, the home was instructed to hang up on me and then call the police.

in that sense I did feel a sense of loss- because their was stuff I did want to say to her, stuff I did want to tell her before she went.

I wasn't allowed to be part of the funeral either, I was told " she wouldn't want you their."

on the other hand though, it was really hard for me to feel deep emotion (I mean really deep), because she was extremely abusive when she was living- and actually followed in the footsteps of my mother.. mother abused me, so she abused me too

I didn't properly greev, because as selfish as it sounds, their was nothing really to greeve over- sure I would have liked to tell her stuff and to see her one more time, but I didn't actually miss her (I still don't)

it was the same with my grandfather, I never got to say goodbye to him and I would have liked to see him one moere time, but again when he went, I wasn't so emotional- because once again, he showed a lot of abusive qualities.

I dread when my mother dies. secretly I dread it- I don't know whhy, she's a *****

I think because I've tried so hard to make things right with her and she just doesn't want that- and when she goes I'll somehow feel like I've failed, even though it's not me who's in the wrong.

if i'm making sense..
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Default Dec 21, 2018 at 06:05 AM
  #9
I'm so sorry to hear this, raging vortex Sending many hugs to you
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Default Dec 21, 2018 at 10:23 AM
  #10
My abusive and neglectful mother died almost 4 years ago. I don't miss her because I still have not recovered from her abuse.

To my continued dismay, members of the family still tell me repeatedly how much they miss her and what a good mother she was. That "good" mother never fed her kids breakfast because it was an "unnecessary" meal. She never hugged her kids and gave advice that was always self-serving, e.g., "your problem is that you don't do enough for others."

I have bitten my tongue for many years in order to have some family. It's not easy being unable to express my feelings.
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Default Dec 22, 2018 at 12:33 AM
  #11
I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.
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Default Dec 22, 2018 at 05:03 PM
  #12
I think that there is nothing wrong with remembering somebody exactly as they were. Just because somebody is dead, does not change who they were and what they did to you. Others may want to put that person on a pedestal, but you don't have to. And that's okay.
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Default Dec 26, 2018 at 10:15 PM
  #13
And once again I thought I was in this alone.
When I was born, I found out years later, my father was so mad that I was born a girl he left the hospital and wouldn’t come back. My mother found a way home. That was 1958. There’s baby pictures, lots with me and my mother, me and my grandmother, one with me and my father. Could tell with my age my father would be forced to smile with me and my brothers in the pictures. I can remember being 7 years old, thinking if I drank all the perfume maybe I would die. Never did. Then came Vietnam, and hell on earth arrived when my father came home. All the yelling, grinding teeth, frowning, I could have swore some body kidnapped my real dad and sent this thing home. He didn’t even look the same. One night I had the usual ear infection starting, and was crying in my bed. My dad came in my room, asked what I was crying about. I told him. And at 2 am he took me to the ER at the Base. Got a penicillin shot that hurt like hell. Nothing to numb the pain. On the way home, he told me to stop crying or he would give me something to cry about. We get home, my mother is sleeping on the couch, still. I go to bed. 2 hours later I’m awakened with my pajama pants and underwear off and my father between my legs. I guess that’s what the something to cry about was all about. A couple months later my mother says I need to start wearing a bra. She buys me these tight cotton training bras that cut into my skin. I take it off when I come home from school. My mother comes home from work, and asked why I don’t have my bra on. That following Saturday mom says something to dad about me not having that tight bra on. Dad gets his belt off and beats me to the floor. My brother only remembers how I got my *** beat and me on the floor, thought it was halarious. This molesting thing my dad has picked up goes on, until I get enough of it. I tell my mom. And he screams, I’m a liar, I steal everything, she trying to turn me on, Christ all the lies he belted out. Brainwashing at its best, until she doesn’t believe me at all. The final time he comes in my room, me an 11 year old little girl standing up to a 6’4” angry man and told him to get out of my room or I would scream as loud as I could, NOW! And he did. I paid a living hell for the rest of my life. I never had a father to begin with, and he took my mother with him. I was never allowed to have a mother. When I was 19 I had my first son. My mother was convinced I was worthless, hated boys, so she took over motherhood by way of learned constant gaslighting. Then I gave birth to my daughter. And I warned him, my dad, I warned him not to touch her. But he did anyway, and I signed the warrant. His picture and name was put on the list for the worst crime. He was given 5 years probation because I made it very clear no jail time. This man had bills to pay, a job to work, and I would be a sob before he would just sit back in some jail cell and jack off 24/7 while we’re busting our asses keeping above water. Oh no, I don’t think so. And everybody would now know to keep an eye out for dad, because he is a pervert. And they did.
My mother died 2013. We had a few talks before she died. Made up some. She was forced to sign a will that left me out. He got everything. And that was ok. I understood.
Me and my son had a little time together. Made up for a few things, until he found the narcissist straight out of hell. She murdered him July 2017. Took my very best away. The first 4 year graduate, the father of 4. 58 days later they found my father dead in the floor at Walmart. The will said my brother gets everything, and all the life insurance money. Specifically spelled out I was not to get anything.
After the funeral I asked every single girl if he touched them. The answers I got, I’m very sure he didn’t touch anybody else, has they said “Aunt Kathy are you starting that again?”.
Yes, the abuse lives on. I also thought “relief?”. But it hasn’t come. I think mainly because of my sons murder. I grieved over my mother, I cried over my dad maybe a week. Then very quickly returned to my son, and haven’t let go. I’ve never known a greater pain. Makes me think the crap I went through for 58 years is stuck.

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Last edited by ru4real; Dec 26, 2018 at 10:42 PM..
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Default Dec 26, 2018 at 10:37 PM
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I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.
Yes! I understand you very much. I had this experience over Christmas...family members were upset that I was not devastated by a Christmas without my abusive parent. I was not. I also distanced myself long before he died. They are allowed to feel how they feel. I would never try to change that but my significant other made a good point yesterday:
"I don't understand why they have to keep shoving it in your face...talking about how great he was..they were in the same house...they know what he was like when you were growing up! They know you were not on good terms with him. Why don't they just leave you to it and if they want to talk, they can talk about something other than him. I think they are being really selfish when they call you to praise him and complain about how much they miss him."

"Why don't they just leave you to it?" I should be so lucky!
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Default Dec 26, 2018 at 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Curious1437 View Post
I think about this daily since my moms death is still newish. My therapist tells me to not feel bad because I shouldn't, but it's weird. People look at you like you're supposed to be devastated constantly and then start asking why you're not if you don't look sad.

Curious, I am so glad that your therapist is supportive (though i realize that does not erase your pain.) I had a therapist who called me a "coward" when I questioned whether I should visit my father when he was dying. She laid on a big guilt-trip...likely d/t her own personal, unprofessional reasons. I realize not all therapists are like that. I ended therapy with her and I'm hoping to find someone who really understands how adults struggle after an abusive childhood. I could really use a professional ear to guide me. You gave me hope when you mentioned your therapist...thank you for that!
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Default Dec 26, 2018 at 11:02 PM
  #16
[QUOTE=ru4real;6379541]

Oh Kathy, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced all of that. And I am so sorry that you lost your son. I don't think there is anything I could ever say to make you feel better...but I want you to know that I am sending peace and safe love and hope to you.

Would you ever consider therapy? Of course it cannot erase your suffering but maybe it could provide support?

Here's a from a safe distance for you.
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 01:07 AM
  #17
[QUOTE=HopefullyLost1211;6379611]
Quote:
Originally Posted by ru4real View Post

Oh Kathy, I am so terribly sorry that you experienced all of that. And I am so sorry that you lost your son. I don't think there is anything I could ever say to make you feel better...but I want you to know that I am sending peace and safe love and hope to you.

Would you ever consider therapy? Of course it cannot erase your suffering but maybe it could provide support?

Here's a from a safe distance for you.
I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think that’s how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents don’t want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.

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Trig Dec 27, 2018 at 01:21 AM
  #18
[QUOTE=ru4real;6379648]
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post

I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think that’s how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents don’t want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.
That's a wonderful thought about your grandbabies Kathy. I had a friend who, in childhood and adolescence, experienced every form of abuse across multiple foster homes. He showed me the scars on his back from being "disciplined" by a "foster dad" with a bicycle chain. Eventually, he was adopted by good and loving people. After he shared his truth with me one day, he ended the story by saying: "No matter how bad I ever feel, no matter the memories and pain, I am so happy and proud to know that I ended the cycle of abuse...it stopped with me." I will never forget him
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 01:23 AM
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[QUOTE=ru4real;6379648]
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post

I will, in the future, maybe. Am I being lazy? Maybe, more like frozen. But thank you, your words mean a lot to me. I think that’s how we deal with what happened. Even in the extreme, it means a lot.
I think when I was in my teenage years, I remember looking at a child crying. Their hateful mother hit him, then walking away and leaving him. And I thought how horrible it must be when your parents don’t want you. Not even realizing I was living the same way. All I can do now is to make sure my grand babies know love, and how they are such a blessing to have in life.

No you aren't lazy. Not everyone is open to therapy. Just an idea. It has helped me at different points in my life. I know I would benefit from more but I always say: each to their own!
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 07:08 AM
  #20
I'm so sorry so many people are struggling You're all in my thougths. Please don't give up. You're all stronger than you think. You can do this! Sending many hugs to everyone
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