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Old 12-17-2018, 12:31 PM #1
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I am 42 and still desire a mom thats loving and supportive. I dont understand why I cant have that. Somebody told me maybe God wants to be that for me. I dont get why I cant have that in a flesh and blood person. It sucks. My own mom has been supportive and loving but its few and far between. Im bummed.
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Old 12-17-2018, 02:11 PM #2
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If you still desire one, perhaps your own mother hasn't been as supportive as you may think. Are you in a good relationship with her? Does she love you? Do you still see her? If you still have this issue perhaps it's time to start working on it. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 12-21-2018, 09:35 AM #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
I am 42 and still desire a mom thats loving and supportive. I dont understand why I cant have that. Somebody told me maybe God wants to be that for me. I dont get why I cant have that in a flesh and blood person. It sucks. My own mom has been supportive and loving but its few and far between. Im bummed.
For decades I went to therapy and wished that my mother would change and be nurturing and accepting of me. She never changed. Therapy didn't help much either.

The best advice I ever got was not much help either. It was "well, that's her loss (not having a close relationship with me)." It's true but it's not comforting.

You have a basic human need that has never been met. Have you been able to form a close and trusting relationship with anyone else? Consider making that a goal. In fact, try to make close and trusting relationships with as many people as you can. Is that a cure for your mom's coldness towards you? Not really. But it is a sign of recovery that you have not let her personal shortcomings deprive you of a life. And, of course, you will find satisfaction in the new, healthy relationships that you form.

Most importantly, end the cycle of coldness that she represents. Do not treat your spouse and/or children and friends like your mother treated you. End the cycle. That is a true goal (and, hopefully, victory) for which you can be very proud.
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Old 12-22-2018, 12:47 PM #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
I am 42 and still desire a mom thats loving and supportive. I dont understand why I cant have that. Somebody told me maybe God wants to be that for me. I dont get why I cant have that in a flesh and blood person. It sucks. My own mom has been supportive and loving but its few and far between. Im bummed.
Hello Dnester. I am sorry for your pain. Of course you desire a loving and supportive mother. Very natural. If you feel that your mother is loving and supportive though not frequently enough, would she be open to attending therapy sessions with you? A skilled therapist may be able to help you two communicate differently with each other or find new ways to show your love for each other. If not, it is an option for you to see a therapist on your own to gain support and develop coping strategies so that your mother's shortcomings are less upsetting to you. Does that make sense?

As far as not understanding why you don't have the type of mother you desire, here's how I think about my own dysfunctional parents...
I happened to be born into their family. I didn't choose them and they didn't choose me so it's really a crapshoot as to which type of family we wind up with. I find that that awareness helps me to not take it personally. I also found therapy really helpful so I could understand my parents' behaviors and learn new ways to process them in my own mind.

I tell myself this a lot: I cannot change other people; my power is in my ability to change how I respond to others.

I believe that the healthiest, happiest lives start with ourselves. Almost like being your own loving and supportive mother. When you have a positive and strong relationship with yourself, it makes it much easier to relate to others and tolerate their shortcomings.

Remember that you did and do deserve love and support....your mother's personality and behaviors are a reflection of herself, not of you. I don't know her of course but it is likely that she parents you the way she was parented by her mother. Does that ring true if you look at her background and family?

Peace and best wishes to you!
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Old 01-07-2019, 10:39 PM #5
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My mom came from a sexually, psychically, emotionally abusive home. I had always been thankful that my chilhood wasnt as bad as hers. She would buy me Chridtmas presents them say I didnt deserve them, tell me she was going to get me locked up. Threatened to semd me to an orphange like pull up to ot and say get beyter or get out. Nothing I ever did was good enough anf when I got upset about things shr would say she would say I cant take constructive criticism. She doesnt want to be close to me. She doesnt do anything that isnt inconvenient to her besides try to get me close to my daughter.
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Old 01-08-2019, 05:11 AM #6
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I'm so sorry, Dnester It seems clear you didn't receive the love and respect you deserved as a child. Unfortunately our parents can have a big impact on our lives, good or bad. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up. You do deserve to be loved. Feel free to PM me anytime. Sending many hugs to you
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