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Old 12-28-2018, 01:17 PM #11
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
Has this already happened in the past, HopefullyLost1211? If that's the case, then yes, you may be right. Either way, abusive parents certainly exist, unfortunately, and I'm sure many can relate to your post. Just try to do your best and to move on with your life. Cut them out from your life if they're still abusive to you. Hopefully you'll be able to meet some wonderful people that will love you and accept you for who you are. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you MickeyCheeky! Your messages are like a breath of fresh air I love your "energy" if that makes sense to you. This world is a brighter place because you are here

This is just an ongoing family tragedy and I am debating more and more whether to stop communicating with my family entirely. If this creates a clearer picture: 9 out of 10 family gatherings turn into screaming matches with everyone competing to see who can hurt the other the most with insults and accusations. My siblings all turn on each other because they grew up surrounded by aggression and fear so they never learned to trust and support each other the way siblings should.

As for me, I actively chose a peaceful life and part of that was accomplished by moving far away. I don't want to fight with anyone so I stopped going home a long time ago. The negativity is so strong though that I still feel"wobbly" and/or depressed after even just one phone call from them or a few texts from certain people. My brother is a heartbreaking carbon copy of our father plus alcoholism added to the mix: abuses his wife and child during fits of rage. When he's not full of rage/drunk, he puts all of his energy into denigrating them...snide sneering comments...it's like having my father in the room even though he's dead.

I certainly have met some wonderful people since I moved away, thank you. Including my significant other: a loving and peaceful man. He thinks I need more space from my family but also thinks zero contact will make me feel worse. The guilt kicks in quickly when I've tried zero contact in the past. So a middle ground? I don't know how to do that. I rarely see them in person but even the calls and texts, more often than not, leave me feeling like that scared little girl again who had to shut down and self-erase just to survive in that horrible house.

There is surely an answer to this. I will find it. And the thoughtful replies of you PC folks help. Thank you very much.
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Old 12-28-2018, 01:20 PM #12
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.
Absolutely. This is why I feel like my family is hopelessly messed up and I do not want to be around them. There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are". Not mine. Family is something to be judged, someone to use you, something to ruin your ability to do anything important in the world.

I now wonder if at the maternity ward people should be signed up for a 6 month class on how to make your family a force for good. I truly believe people need to learn how to be supportive and how to keep families together and thriving.
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Old 12-28-2018, 01:29 PM #13
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Absolutely. This is why I feel like my family is hopelessly messed up and I do not want to be around them. There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are". Not mine. Family is something to be judged, someone to use you, something to ruin your ability to do anything important in the world.

I now wonder if at the maternity ward people should be signed up for a 6 month class on how to make your family a force for good. I truly believe people need to learn how to be supportive and how to keep families together and thriving.

AGREED!!! Your insight here is perfect Emily and well-received! I had a therapist at one point who said: "I think people should have to take a test before they get married and another one before they have a baby!" No way to actually enforce that in this world of course but in theory it's a thing of beauty.
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Old 12-28-2018, 01:32 PM #14
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

[QUOTE=Emily Fox Seaton;6381632]

"There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are"



Let's all take a moment to thank those families for being out there and to honor the example they set...how lucky those babies and little children are!!!
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Old 12-28-2018, 01:36 PM #15
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Oh yes I can most certainly relate. This goes along with my post about other people taking issue when I make healthy choices from myself. I feel judgment and resentment from some people and especially from certain family members. Its like some people prefer it when you are down and unhappy or things are a mess.

Agreed! As a friend once told me: "You do you!" Keep doing what you're doing Sisabel. Make every effort you can to be healthy and strong and happy and those other folks will just have to resent it in the background...they will no matter what you do. But you will always know that you DESERVE your happiness.
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Old 12-28-2018, 01:41 PM #16
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Let's all take a moment to thank those families for being out there and to honor the example they set...how lucky those babies and little children are!!!
I have always thought about the Kennedys when I think of this. Clearly that family views itself as circling the wagons around family and family comes first. They all have for years worked together to advance themselves and people they consider family.

Another good example of this is the Windsor family - if you ever watch "the crown" from a young age they were encouraged to support each other (even if they were unhappy with each other) and the family is always paramount.

They seem to have a higher calling for themselves and their family than most do. If I ever had a family that is what I would demand of my family. We would be a force for good in the world and with ourselves.
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Old 12-28-2018, 08:37 PM #17
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Hope my earlier posts didn't come across as really negative. I do my best to be a positive force in the world...it's a lot easier to do that with people who are not my blood-relatives. I just find that sometimes it's useful to get those things gnawing at me out on the forum or down on paper or something.

Peace to all
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Old 12-28-2018, 08:41 PM #18
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.
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Old 12-28-2018, 09:29 PM #19
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.


I am always very happy to get back to my normal routine after being around family. Its usually quite stressful.
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Old 12-28-2018, 09:33 PM #20
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Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

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I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.
Thank you for your post DownandLonely. I am so sorry that your parents and brother are unkind to you and don't appear to appreciate you. To me, you come across as a gentle and compassionate person and I think the world is better with you here.

What a shame it is when others can see and appreciate your goodness and yet...the people who brought you into the world or grew up with you have only criticism for you. It makes me very sad to hear of people treating you that way and picturing you hiding in your room when you could be off somewhere enjoying a grand ol' time with your friends or snuggling with your cat (think you said you have a cat).

I bet you were glad to get home...I would be too!

I rarely see my family anymore...I even stopped going home for holidays. Recently I went back for my father's funeral and I wish I hadn't because most people didn't want me there and it was awful...though my extended family members are lovely and it was comforting to reconnect with them.

DownandLonely, please know that you deserve unconditional love, peace, joy, laughter, hope, and good health It might be a good experiment for you to skip the visit home next Christmas and treat yourself to some other sort of Christmas you'd actually enjoy. I believe you deserve that but only you can decide that. Of course, your family will likely condemn you for skipping it even though they don't value you when you do go.

That seems to be the way with that sort of family. With mine, I hold my breath waiting for the next verbal attack or threat when I am with them or even on the phone...when I stopped visiting home they called me a "trouble-maker" (never understood how I can be a troublemaker when I'm miles away minding my own business?) "selfish" and "cold" and said I "don't know how to be part of a family." I had to laugh a bit at that last one because I probably don't know how to be part of a family...not theirs anyhow because I don't want to accept or participate in verbal and emotional abuse and physical threats. My S.O. and I have built a little home together and it's nice and peaceful. We never fight. If there's an issue we respectfully talk it through and give each other space when needed. So I think he's my family now. Maybe.
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