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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 09:53 PM
  #1
Hello folks,

I wondered if anyone else feels like this. The more I step back and calmly assess interactions with my family (almost as though I am a neutral 3rd party) the more I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.

The other day my mother called and asked how I was doing. I said "I'm good" in a cheery tone and this really seemed to bother her. I told her about things I do for my health and wellness and the conversation became very strange...her voice went high in pitch (which is what happens when she is irritated or disturbed by something) and she began speaking to me in a voice that might be fitting for a pet or toddler: she said very loudly, with a weird voice very hard to describe: "GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL!" She was actually talking over me so that I wasn't able to finish what I was saying. I am in my late 30s by the way...a bit old for 'good girl' in my opinion

This was so strange. I ignored it. But I've been thinking about it since. She seemed to have a very strong reaction to my peace and wellness. I honestly feel that she would have preferred if I said I felt terrible or something.

Can anyone relate? I meet the criteria for CEN as well as abuse from both parents. I go back an forth, should I cut ties, should I keep a distance, it is so confusing. I know I could benefit from more therapy. Looking into options.

Just wondered if anyone else feels that their parent and/or siblings would rather see them miserable than happy and well. It is bizarre.
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 10:09 PM
  #2
Hopefullylost1211
perhaps I should just press the hug button as I am not a 100% myself at the moment; but I wanted to reply.

I don't talk to my Family, or if I do,it's short &selective and Even that's been a while with family. That's me though, couldn't deal or cope with it. had a few blood relatives that did as your described.

At any rate, yes- can relate- but not only family members from the past but at least one or two coworkers- I've noted for years now that their behavior and how they talk and interact with me- they Seem to prefer me to be miserable or not doing well- over me doing great or even just ok.

I honestly have came to the belief that it says more about them, and their issues- their inability to see someone else happy. while they struggle and don't know what to do. While I don't have answers, I do not feel the need to "bring someone down" like some do... it's very disheartening to me to realize but-- people are people, and we are all different.

_____________
on a side note:
It's really annoying to me when people say "good girl"-- It just reminds me that they are trying to treat me like their pet or some thing; like inferior to them... again, belief for me is this makes them feel better.

Many hugs and well thoughts, I hope you find a therapist or some one or some thing to help you continue your journey

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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 10:39 PM
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Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
Hopefullylost1211
perhaps I should just press the hug button as I am not a 100% myself at the moment; but I wanted to reply.

I don't talk to my Family, or if I do,it's short &selective and Even that's been a while with family. That's me though, couldn't deal or cope with it. had a few blood relatives that did as your described.

At any rate, yes- can relate- but not only family members from the past but at least one or two coworkers- I've noted for years now that their behavior and how they talk and interact with me- they Seem to prefer me to be miserable or not doing well- over me doing great or even just ok.

I honestly have came to the belief that it says more about them, and their issues- their inability to see someone else happy. while they struggle and don't know what to do. While I don't have answers, I do not feel the need to "bring someone down" like some do... it's very disheartening to me to realize but-- people are people, and we are all different.

_____________
on a side note:
It's really annoying to me when people say "good girl"-- It just reminds me that they are trying to treat me like their pet or some thing; like inferior to them... again, belief for me is this makes them feel better.

Many hugs and well thoughts, I hope you find a therapist or some one or some thing to help you continue your journey
Thank you beauflow! Your message is very helpful. I agree. I do not feel a need to bring someone down. I hope it didn't come across that way. I wish everyone peace. Even people who hurt me deeply. There can be no peace if we wish harm on others. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out how to think things through in my own head. As an adult, I have decided to think of my parents as two clueless people who simply should never have procreated.

You mentioned that you aren't doing so well. May I help? Feel free to PM me if you like. If not, take good care of yourself and thank you very much for your thoughtful response. Peace, safe love, and healing energy to you
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 10:58 PM
  #4
You hadn't came across that way, I was meaning people that do what your original post mentioned ((your mom for instance))..

I am sorry if I am confusing at the moment...
And thank you and well thoughts too

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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 11:11 PM
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You hadn't came across that way, I was meaning people that do what your original post mentioned ((your mom for instance))..

I am sorry if I am confusing at the moment...
And thank you and well thoughts too
Your points are well-taken Beauflow. No need to apologize. My synapses are likely a bit slow today
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Trig Dec 28, 2018 at 06:45 AM
  #6
most of my family were emotionless, so it was often difficult to tell what they were thinking or how they felt.

I could win an award or get hurt in a car accident and it would still be the same reaction.... oh.

I remember one year though my mom left me in the house with a wasp (in the same room).

now she knew I was alergic to them and she knew I went in to shock if they stung me

well when she got back I was cowering in the corner really fritened.

and I remember she found that funny, hilarious, in fact

the fact that their was a wasp this close to making me ill caused her great joy.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 10:06 AM
  #7
Has this already happened in the past, HopefullyLost1211? If that's the case, then yes, you may be right. Either way, abusive parents certainly exist, unfortunately, and I'm sure many can relate to your post. Just try to do your best and to move on with your life. Cut them out from your life if they're still abusive to you. Hopefully you'll be able to meet some wonderful people that will love you and accept you for who you are. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 11:06 AM
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Oh yes I can most certainly relate. This goes along with my post about other people taking issue when I make healthy choices from myself. I feel judgment and resentment from some people and especially from certain family members. It’s like some people prefer it when you are down and unhappy or things are a mess.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 11:46 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello folks,

I wondered if anyone else feels like this. The more I step back and calmly assess interactions with my family (almost as though I am a neutral 3rd party) the more I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.

The other day my mother called and asked how I was doing. I said "I'm good" in a cheery tone and this really seemed to bother her. I told her about things I do for my health and wellness and the conversation became very strange...her voice went high in pitch (which is what happens when she is irritated or disturbed by something) and she began speaking to me in a voice that might be fitting for a pet or toddler: she said very loudly, with a weird voice very hard to describe: "GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL!" She was actually talking over me so that I wasn't able to finish what I was saying. I am in my late 30s by the way...a bit old for 'good girl' in my opinion

This was so strange. I ignored it. But I've been thinking about it since. She seemed to have a very strong reaction to my peace and wellness. I honestly feel that she would have preferred if I said I felt terrible or something.

Can anyone relate? I meet the criteria for CEN as well as abuse from both parents. I go back an forth, should I cut ties, should I keep a distance, it is so confusing. I know I could benefit from more therapy. Looking into options.

Just wondered if anyone else feels that their parent and/or siblings would rather see them miserable than happy and well. It is bizarre.
Though I agree that her saying "good girl" was a little weird given your age, I wonder if you might be reading too much negativity into it(?) I could see if it was dripping in sarcasm or something, but it wasn't if I am reading correctly. Maybe she actually was trying to be supportive(?) You mention her pitch and repetition. Is it possible that could also be nerves/discomfort from saying things one is not used to saying? Just a thought, something to consider. Might be off-base.

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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 01:48 PM
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Though I agree that her saying "good girl" was a little weird given your age, I wonder if you might be reading too much negativity into it(?) I could see if it was dripping in sarcasm or something, but it wasn't if I am reading correctly. Maybe she actually was trying to be supportive(?) You mention her pitch and repetition. Is it possible that could also be nerves/discomfort from saying things one is not used to saying? Just a thought, something to consider. Might be off-base.
I understand what you are saying InnerZone and I definitely think it's important to consider different perspectives so I thank you for that.

I think history is important here. My mother told me directly that I am "one of her greatest disappointments in life." I am a successful professional but she dreamed up a different profession for me in her head...one I had zero interest in...and so because I went my own way and actually do very well even with chronic depression...she labels me as one of her greatest disappointments. She denigrates my profession and career about every 3 months and tells me what I should be doing instead. Did I mention that I am in my late 30s?

I am honestly not sure I can ever forgive her for calling me a great disappointment. I was crushed. I still feel a bit crushed every time I recall it...it's the type of line that gets etched on your hippocampus whether you want it there or not. She also deeply resents me for moving far away even though she and my father were the reasons why I moved because they were awful parents.

My father's great and lasting line in my mind: "my life would have been infinitely better if I never had children." He told me that when I was 15. And he terrorized myself and my siblings growing up while my mother stood and watched or placated him.

The problem is me really. I kept hoping that she would change (my father is dead) and be proud of me and love me unconditionally even though I know she is who she is. I can't change her nor should I expect it to happen.

I realize the example I gave in the thread wasn't a very good one...it's just a small one out of dozens and dozens. She was a viciously controlling parent...any time I got a little break from depression she wanted me to be miserable again...it's an awful lot easier to control someone when they are miserable. I had childhood depression (which my parents later acknowledged after a MD and social worker set them straight but they had waited 10 years to get me any help...so I was completely enveloped by severe depression by that point...thankfully I take care of myself now and they have nothing to do with it.)

When I left my abusive husband and ended my marriage, my mother and almost my entire family (all but one sibling) told me I "had" to go back to him. I did not. So they blamed and shamed me for years.

Tmi? Probably.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:17 PM
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Has this already happened in the past, HopefullyLost1211? If that's the case, then yes, you may be right. Either way, abusive parents certainly exist, unfortunately, and I'm sure many can relate to your post. Just try to do your best and to move on with your life. Cut them out from your life if they're still abusive to you. Hopefully you'll be able to meet some wonderful people that will love you and accept you for who you are. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you MickeyCheeky! Your messages are like a breath of fresh air I love your "energy" if that makes sense to you. This world is a brighter place because you are here

This is just an ongoing family tragedy and I am debating more and more whether to stop communicating with my family entirely. If this creates a clearer picture: 9 out of 10 family gatherings turn into screaming matches with everyone competing to see who can hurt the other the most with insults and accusations. My siblings all turn on each other because they grew up surrounded by aggression and fear so they never learned to trust and support each other the way siblings should.

As for me, I actively chose a peaceful life and part of that was accomplished by moving far away. I don't want to fight with anyone so I stopped going home a long time ago. The negativity is so strong though that I still feel"wobbly" and/or depressed after even just one phone call from them or a few texts from certain people. My brother is a heartbreaking carbon copy of our father plus alcoholism added to the mix: abuses his wife and child during fits of rage. When he's not full of rage/drunk, he puts all of his energy into denigrating them...snide sneering comments...it's like having my father in the room even though he's dead.

I certainly have met some wonderful people since I moved away, thank you. Including my significant other: a loving and peaceful man. He thinks I need more space from my family but also thinks zero contact will make me feel worse. The guilt kicks in quickly when I've tried zero contact in the past. So a middle ground? I don't know how to do that. I rarely see them in person but even the calls and texts, more often than not, leave me feeling like that scared little girl again who had to shut down and self-erase just to survive in that horrible house.

There is surely an answer to this. I will find it. And the thoughtful replies of you PC folks help. Thank you very much.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:20 PM
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I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.
Absolutely. This is why I feel like my family is hopelessly messed up and I do not want to be around them. There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are". Not mine. Family is something to be judged, someone to use you, something to ruin your ability to do anything important in the world.

I now wonder if at the maternity ward people should be signed up for a 6 month class on how to make your family a force for good. I truly believe people need to learn how to be supportive and how to keep families together and thriving.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:29 PM
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Absolutely. This is why I feel like my family is hopelessly messed up and I do not want to be around them. There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are". Not mine. Family is something to be judged, someone to use you, something to ruin your ability to do anything important in the world.

I now wonder if at the maternity ward people should be signed up for a 6 month class on how to make your family a force for good. I truly believe people need to learn how to be supportive and how to keep families together and thriving.

AGREED!!! Your insight here is perfect Emily and well-received! I had a therapist at one point who said: "I think people should have to take a test before they get married and another one before they have a baby!" No way to actually enforce that in this world of course but in theory it's a thing of beauty.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:32 PM
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[QUOTE=Emily Fox Seaton;6381632]

"There are families out there that actually are kind and loving and accept their family members just because they "are"



Let's all take a moment to thank those families for being out there and to honor the example they set...how lucky those babies and little children are!!!
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:36 PM
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Oh yes I can most certainly relate. This goes along with my post about other people taking issue when I make healthy choices from myself. I feel judgment and resentment from some people and especially from certain family members. It’s like some people prefer it when you are down and unhappy or things are a mess.

Agreed! As a friend once told me: "You do you!" Keep doing what you're doing Sisabel. Make every effort you can to be healthy and strong and happy and those other folks will just have to resent it in the background...they will no matter what you do. But you will always know that you DESERVE your happiness.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:41 PM
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Let's all take a moment to thank those families for being out there and to honor the example they set...how lucky those babies and little children are!!!
I have always thought about the Kennedys when I think of this. Clearly that family views itself as circling the wagons around family and family comes first. They all have for years worked together to advance themselves and people they consider family.

Another good example of this is the Windsor family - if you ever watch "the crown" from a young age they were encouraged to support each other (even if they were unhappy with each other) and the family is always paramount.

They seem to have a higher calling for themselves and their family than most do. If I ever had a family that is what I would demand of my family. We would be a force for good in the world and with ourselves.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 09:37 PM
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Hope my earlier posts didn't come across as really negative. I do my best to be a positive force in the world...it's a lot easier to do that with people who are not my blood-relatives. I just find that sometimes it's useful to get those things gnawing at me out on the forum or down on paper or something.

Peace to all
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 09:41 PM
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I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 10:29 PM
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I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.


I am always very happy to get back to my normal routine after being around family. It’s usually quite stressful.
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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 10:33 PM
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I can relate to what you say Hope. My parents and brother are judgmental and constantly putting me down. I moved far away, so that has helped a lot. But I still see them once a year around Christmas. Not sure that is a good thing though. I spend most my time with them hiding in my room. And I was very happy to get home.
Thank you for your post DownandLonely. I am so sorry that your parents and brother are unkind to you and don't appear to appreciate you. To me, you come across as a gentle and compassionate person and I think the world is better with you here.

What a shame it is when others can see and appreciate your goodness and yet...the people who brought you into the world or grew up with you have only criticism for you. It makes me very sad to hear of people treating you that way and picturing you hiding in your room when you could be off somewhere enjoying a grand ol' time with your friends or snuggling with your cat (think you said you have a cat).

I bet you were glad to get home...I would be too!

I rarely see my family anymore...I even stopped going home for holidays. Recently I went back for my father's funeral and I wish I hadn't because most people didn't want me there and it was awful...though my extended family members are lovely and it was comforting to reconnect with them.

DownandLonely, please know that you deserve unconditional love, peace, joy, laughter, hope, and good health It might be a good experiment for you to skip the visit home next Christmas and treat yourself to some other sort of Christmas you'd actually enjoy. I believe you deserve that but only you can decide that. Of course, your family will likely condemn you for skipping it even though they don't value you when you do go.

That seems to be the way with that sort of family. With mine, I hold my breath waiting for the next verbal attack or threat when I am with them or even on the phone...when I stopped visiting home they called me a "trouble-maker" (never understood how I can be a troublemaker when I'm miles away minding my own business?) "selfish" and "cold" and said I "don't know how to be part of a family." I had to laugh a bit at that last one because I probably don't know how to be part of a family...not theirs anyhow because I don't want to accept or participate in verbal and emotional abuse and physical threats. My S.O. and I have built a little home together and it's nice and peaceful. We never fight. If there's an issue we respectfully talk it through and give each other space when needed. So I think he's my family now. Maybe.
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