When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy - Forums at Psych Central



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-27-2018, 08:53 PM #1
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Hello folks,

I wondered if anyone else feels like this. The more I step back and calmly assess interactions with my family (almost as though I am a neutral 3rd party) the more I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.

The other day my mother called and asked how I was doing. I said "I'm good" in a cheery tone and this really seemed to bother her. I told her about things I do for my health and wellness and the conversation became very strange...her voice went high in pitch (which is what happens when she is irritated or disturbed by something) and she began speaking to me in a voice that might be fitting for a pet or toddler: she said very loudly, with a weird voice very hard to describe: "GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL!" She was actually talking over me so that I wasn't able to finish what I was saying. I am in my late 30s by the way...a bit old for 'good girl' in my opinion

This was so strange. I ignored it. But I've been thinking about it since. She seemed to have a very strong reaction to my peace and wellness. I honestly feel that she would have preferred if I said I felt terrible or something.

Can anyone relate? I meet the criteria for CEN as well as abuse from both parents. I go back an forth, should I cut ties, should I keep a distance, it is so confusing. I know I could benefit from more therapy. Looking into options.

Just wondered if anyone else feels that their parent and/or siblings would rather see them miserable than happy and well. It is bizarre.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:

advertisement
Old 12-27-2018, 09:09 PM #2
beauflow's Avatar
beauflow beauflow is offline
-------no titles please--
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Anywhere where I can grow
Posts: 11,203
beauflow beauflow is offline
-------no titles please--
beauflow's Avatar
beauflow .... doesn't seem to really fit in , in this world
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Anywhere where I can grow
Posts: 11,203 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Hopefullylost1211
perhaps I should just press the hug button as I am not a 100% myself at the moment; but I wanted to reply.

I don't talk to my Family, or if I do,it's short &selective and Even that's been a while with family. That's me though, couldn't deal or cope with it. had a few blood relatives that did as your described.

At any rate, yes- can relate- but not only family members from the past but at least one or two coworkers- I've noted for years now that their behavior and how they talk and interact with me- they Seem to prefer me to be miserable or not doing well- over me doing great or even just ok.

I honestly have came to the belief that it says more about them, and their issues- their inability to see someone else happy. while they struggle and don't know what to do. While I don't have answers, I do not feel the need to "bring someone down" like some do... it's very disheartening to me to realize but-- people are people, and we are all different.

_____________
on a side note:
It's really annoying to me when people say "good girl"-- It just reminds me that they are trying to treat me like their pet or some thing; like inferior to them... again, belief for me is this makes them feel better.


Many hugs and well thoughts, I hope you find a therapist or some one or some thing to help you continue your journey
__________________
"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s
beauflow is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 12-27-2018, 09:39 PM #3
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
Hopefullylost1211
perhaps I should just press the hug button as I am not a 100% myself at the moment; but I wanted to reply.

I don't talk to my Family, or if I do,it's short &selective and Even that's been a while with family. That's me though, couldn't deal or cope with it. had a few blood relatives that did as your described.

At any rate, yes- can relate- but not only family members from the past but at least one or two coworkers- I've noted for years now that their behavior and how they talk and interact with me- they Seem to prefer me to be miserable or not doing well- over me doing great or even just ok.

I honestly have came to the belief that it says more about them, and their issues- their inability to see someone else happy. while they struggle and don't know what to do. While I don't have answers, I do not feel the need to "bring someone down" like some do... it's very disheartening to me to realize but-- people are people, and we are all different.

_____________
on a side note:
It's really annoying to me when people say "good girl"-- It just reminds me that they are trying to treat me like their pet or some thing; like inferior to them... again, belief for me is this makes them feel better.


Many hugs and well thoughts, I hope you find a therapist or some one or some thing to help you continue your journey
Thank you beauflow! Your message is very helpful. I agree. I do not feel a need to bring someone down. I hope it didn't come across that way. I wish everyone peace. Even people who hurt me deeply. There can be no peace if we wish harm on others. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out how to think things through in my own head. As an adult, I have decided to think of my parents as two clueless people who simply should never have procreated.

You mentioned that you aren't doing so well. May I help? Feel free to PM me if you like. If not, take good care of yourself and thank you very much for your thoughtful response. Peace, safe love, and healing energy to you
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 12-27-2018, 09:58 PM #4
beauflow's Avatar
beauflow beauflow is offline
-------no titles please--
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Anywhere where I can grow
Posts: 11,203
beauflow beauflow is offline
-------no titles please--
beauflow's Avatar
beauflow .... doesn't seem to really fit in , in this world
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Anywhere where I can grow
Posts: 11,203 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

You hadn't came across that way, I was meaning people that do what your original post mentioned ((your mom for instance))..

I am sorry if I am confusing at the moment...
And thank you and well thoughts too
__________________
"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s
beauflow is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 12-27-2018, 10:11 PM #5
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
You hadn't came across that way, I was meaning people that do what your original post mentioned ((your mom for instance))..

I am sorry if I am confusing at the moment...
And thank you and well thoughts too
Your points are well-taken Beauflow. No need to apologize. My synapses are likely a bit slow today
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 12-28-2018, 05:45 AM #6
raging vortex raging vortex is offline
Cyclonic!.
Community Liaison
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: the asylum
Posts: 26,920
raging vortex raging vortex is offline
Cyclonic!.
Community Liaison
raging vortex has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: the asylum
Posts: 26,920 (SuperPoster!)

5 yr Member
2,353 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Trig Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

most of my family were emotionless, so it was often difficult to tell what they were thinking or how they felt.

I could win an award or get hurt in a car accident and it would still be the same reaction.... oh.

I remember one year though my mom left me in the house with a wasp (in the same room).

now she knew I was alergic to them and she knew I went in to shock if they stung me

well when she got back I was cowering in the corner really fritened.

and I remember she found that funny, hilarious, in fact

the fact that their was a wasp this close to making me ill caused her great joy.
raging vortex is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 12-28-2018, 09:06 AM #7
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,612
MickeyCheeky MickeyCheeky is online now
Wise Elder
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,612 (SuperPoster!)

2 yr Member
32.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Has this already happened in the past, HopefullyLost1211? If that's the case, then yes, you may be right. Either way, abusive parents certainly exist, unfortunately, and I'm sure many can relate to your post. Just try to do your best and to move on with your life. Cut them out from your life if they're still abusive to you. Hopefully you'll be able to meet some wonderful people that will love you and accept you for who you are. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 12-28-2018, 10:06 AM #8
Sisabel's Avatar
Sisabel Sisabel is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,462
Sisabel Sisabel is offline
Poohbah
Sisabel's Avatar
Sisabel always trying...
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,462 (SuperPoster!)

1 yr Member
363 hugs
given
Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Oh yes I can most certainly relate. This goes along with my post about other people taking issue when I make healthy choices from myself. I feel judgment and resentment from some people and especially from certain family members. Its like some people prefer it when you are down and unhappy or things are a mess.
Sisabel is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 12-28-2018, 10:46 AM #9
Innerzone's Avatar
Innerzone Innerzone is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Nov 2009
Location: NW US
Posts: 7,383
Innerzone Innerzone is offline
Elder
Innerzone's Avatar
Innerzone is working at her new job!
 
Member Since: Nov 2009
Location: NW US
Posts: 7,383 (SuperPoster!)

8 yr Member
22.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Hello folks,

I wondered if anyone else feels like this. The more I step back and calmly assess interactions with my family (almost as though I am a neutral 3rd party) the more I feel as though they want me to be unhappy and resent me when I am well.

The other day my mother called and asked how I was doing. I said "I'm good" in a cheery tone and this really seemed to bother her. I told her about things I do for my health and wellness and the conversation became very strange...her voice went high in pitch (which is what happens when she is irritated or disturbed by something) and she began speaking to me in a voice that might be fitting for a pet or toddler: she said very loudly, with a weird voice very hard to describe: "GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL!" She was actually talking over me so that I wasn't able to finish what I was saying. I am in my late 30s by the way...a bit old for 'good girl' in my opinion

This was so strange. I ignored it. But I've been thinking about it since. She seemed to have a very strong reaction to my peace and wellness. I honestly feel that she would have preferred if I said I felt terrible or something.

Can anyone relate? I meet the criteria for CEN as well as abuse from both parents. I go back an forth, should I cut ties, should I keep a distance, it is so confusing. I know I could benefit from more therapy. Looking into options.

Just wondered if anyone else feels that their parent and/or siblings would rather see them miserable than happy and well. It is bizarre.
Though I agree that her saying "good girl" was a little weird given your age, I wonder if you might be reading too much negativity into it(?) I could see if it was dripping in sarcasm or something, but it wasn't if I am reading correctly. Maybe she actually was trying to be supportive(?) You mention her pitch and repetition. Is it possible that could also be nerves/discomfort from saying things one is not used to saying? Just a thought, something to consider. Might be off-base.
__________________
*********
Mr. Robot
When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy
Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.
--The Cure
Innerzone is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 12-28-2018, 12:48 PM #10
Anonymous57363
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: When family members seem to prefer if you are unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Though I agree that her saying "good girl" was a little weird given your age, I wonder if you might be reading too much negativity into it(?) I could see if it was dripping in sarcasm or something, but it wasn't if I am reading correctly. Maybe she actually was trying to be supportive(?) You mention her pitch and repetition. Is it possible that could also be nerves/discomfort from saying things one is not used to saying? Just a thought, something to consider. Might be off-base.
I understand what you are saying InnerZone and I definitely think it's important to consider different perspectives so I thank you for that.

I think history is important here. My mother told me directly that I am "one of her greatest disappointments in life." I am a successful professional but she dreamed up a different profession for me in her head...one I had zero interest in...and so because I went my own way and actually do very well even with chronic depression...she labels me as one of her greatest disappointments. She denigrates my profession and career about every 3 months and tells me what I should be doing instead. Did I mention that I am in my late 30s?

I am honestly not sure I can ever forgive her for calling me a great disappointment. I was crushed. I still feel a bit crushed every time I recall it...it's the type of line that gets etched on your hippocampus whether you want it there or not. She also deeply resents me for moving far away even though she and my father were the reasons why I moved because they were awful parents.

My father's great and lasting line in my mind: "my life would have been infinitely better if I never had children." He told me that when I was 15. And he terrorized myself and my siblings growing up while my mother stood and watched or placated him.

The problem is me really. I kept hoping that she would change (my father is dead) and be proud of me and love me unconditionally even though I know she is who she is. I can't change her nor should I expect it to happen.

I realize the example I gave in the thread wasn't a very good one...it's just a small one out of dozens and dozens. She was a viciously controlling parent...any time I got a little break from depression she wanted me to be miserable again...it's an awful lot easier to control someone when they are miserable. I had childhood depression (which my parents later acknowledged after a MD and social worker set them straight but they had waited 10 years to get me any help...so I was completely enveloped by severe depression by that point...thankfully I take care of myself now and they have nothing to do with it.)

When I left my abusive husband and ended my marriage, my mother and almost my entire family (all but one sibling) told me I "had" to go back to him. I did not. So they blamed and shamed me for years.

Tmi? Probably.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:35 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.