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Old 12-30-2018, 01:49 PM #1
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Default Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

I care part time fot a chld whose mother did drugs during gestation. A child that has intense health problems because of said drug use. The mother has since then signed off parental rights.Yet the current caregiver is insisting that a blown up picture of the mother be placed above the crib to let the baby know she was wanted!!! I am in shock. Isnt that condemning the child to a life of staring at the mother who not only failed to love her enough to try to get healthy while she was pregmagnt but who is also responsible for her being disabled?
Help me out here! Am I wrong in wqnting to protect this child ???
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Old 12-31-2018, 01:22 PM #2
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

So is this baby in a foster home?

Sometimes people do things because they themselves felt abandoned and unwanted. Considering how the child turned out disabled because the mother did not stop doing drugs, I think it was best the mother gave her up rather than her living her life being neglected.

I would not hang a picture of the child's mother above her crib like that and lie to the child telling her her mother loved her. I would just provide love and affection to the child. A child in a crib is too young to understand why this woman in the picture who is supposed to love her isn't there for her.
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Old 12-31-2018, 03:34 PM #3
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miawill View Post
I care part time fot a chld whose mother did drugs during gestation. A child that has intense health problems because of said drug use. The mother has since then signed off parental rights.Yet the current caregiver is insisting that a blown up picture of the mother be placed above the crib to let the baby know she was wanted!!! I am in shock. Isnt that condemning the child to a life of staring at the mother who not only failed to love her enough to try to get healthy while she was pregmagnt but who is also responsible for her being disabled?
Help me out here! Am I wrong in wqnting to protect this child ???

Hello Miawill. What a sad situation all round. I don't think the picture of the baby's mother is necessarily a good idea at this point. However, remember that down the road when she is older, that little girl might very much want to see a photo of her mother and to learn about her. Attachment issues after adoption are very complex and can be deeply painful on both sides.

You said that the mother "didn't love her enough" to get healthy. How do you know that Miawill? If this woman was addicted to drugs before she became pregnant then it was likely extremely difficult for her to stop. That is not an excuse or justification. Of course men and women should ensure good health and safety for their children. Ideally, someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs will not become pregnant but this isn't an ideal world, right? Humans are fallible and flawed.

Having worked with a lot of addicts in my career, I just want you to know that addiction can be a very powerful and terribly debilitating force. The mother, who has just given up her baby, has likely experienced significant trauma in her life and is about to go through more...it is not easy for any parent to say goodbye to a child and to live with that decision for the rest of their life. I have never met an addict who didn't have a history of serious mental health problems...many were also abused as children and/or raised by addicts.

It is good that you are helping to care for this delicate and precious baby. I also encourage you to remember your boundaries and try not to overstep by making judgments about the mother or the primary c/g who had the idea about the photo. I imagine that the c/g was just trying to do the right thing by the baby...trying to offer comfort and connection...even if it may not be the best choice right now. You do not have a right to decide that the child should never know of her mother or see her picture. Several adults I know who were adopted had a desperate desire to know their birth story and meet their biological parents. It often goes against human nature to "not know." Though each case is unique. Some would rather not know and that is for them to decide. They have a right to know if they choose to.

When caring for the baby, I think she will really benefit from positive energy around her so please consider putting aside your judgment and criticism and approaching the situation from a place of empathy and gentle compassion. That will be healthier for you and the baby. I believe that babies can pick up negative energy just as much as adults can.

Best wishes to you and the c/g team as you contribute to this infant's well-being. Peace, love, and healing energy to the baby and to her mother. I can only imagine how hard it must be to struggle with chemical dependence or to say goodbye to one's infant.
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Old 12-31-2018, 03:58 PM #4
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Lightbulb Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

Miawill, here's a Ted Talk I found really helpful for exploring the latest research on addiction. Maybe it will interest you.

Johann Hari: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong | TED Talk
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Old 01-03-2019, 06:25 PM #5
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

I agree with Hopefully.
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Old 01-05-2019, 04:12 AM #6
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

I understand how you feel, Miawill. I agree having a picture of her mother there is really inappropriate. We can't know for sure what her mother was going through at that time, and overall it's probably a good thing she let someone else take care of her child. It's still a very sad situation, though. You're not wrong at all for caring about that child. Just do your best. Sending many hugs to you and the child
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:21 PM #7
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I understand how you feel, Miawill. I agree having a picture of her mother there is really inappropriate. We can't know for sure what her mother was going through at that time, and overall it's probably a good thing she let someone else take care of her child. It's still a very sad situation, though. You're not wrong at all for caring about that child. Just do your best. Sending many hugs to you and the child

Great points MickeyCheeky. Peace to all
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Old 01-06-2019, 03:43 AM #8
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

Thank you for the support and the advice. I was not suggesting that we do not have any pictures of the mother ever or pretend the mother does not exist. I was just mortified to see that constant reminder above the crib. Yes the primary care giver was doing it probably to cope with her own mother...

Yes it is extremely difficult to get clean once you are pregnant. But there has to be a way right?
You are absolutely right. I should deal with my anger issues in this situation. Thank you for saying that.
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Old 01-06-2019, 05:39 AM #9
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Default Re: Picture of abussive mother hangs above crib

personally I don't think the picture is a good idea at this stage.

maybe keep one somewhere so that when she gets older and perhaps starts questioning things, then you can show her and tell her if that's what she wants to know.
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