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LifelongLoner It's the same old, same old. And, I do mean old!
 
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 12:05 PM
  #1
That's me. The recluse. On weekends, I can't bring myself to leave my apartment. I have a hard time getting out to do the laundry and the grocery shopping. I don't know what to do about it.

I have a history of not enjoying the company of others and of being treated badly by others. I fit in nowhere. An ethnic mutt, I have no people to relate to. It has been a lifetime of rejection.

I am afraid to even say hello to others. I stopped going to the gym. Being fit did not make me more attractive.

I need to do something but have no idea how to make my life better. Therapy has not helped at all. In fact, I was given bad advice. I will NOT go back to a therapist under any circumstances because they do not understand reality.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 01:20 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry, LifelongLoner Please don't give up. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but they can get better. I'm sorry therapy hasn't helped, are you doing something to take care of yourself at the moment? I hope writing here at PC helps a bit. Just remember that you're loved here. I know it's not the same thing as having a support system IRL, but at least it's something. I'm sure you're a wonderful person. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #3
I was like that in high school. now im 57 yrs old and married with a son. you can get through this, this too shall pass. I never knew would be blessed with anything, but was in the end. Ive also had a very very hard life family wise and friendship wise. you can and will get over this you may have to learn more about socialization, can you take some pshycology courses to help you. even an online college program if you can get one or afford it, take out a loan too?good luck!!!
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Smile Jan 21, 2019 at 08:00 PM
  #4
I'm pretty reclusive myself except that, in my case, it is by choice. I simply don't want anything to do with anyone. (It's a long story.) I'm also old though & I think that perhaps makes a difference. And the one thing I think I know about being reclusive is that the more you do it the more challenging it is to change.

Unfortunately I don't know of any remedies for reclusiveness (beyond therapy) other than to get out there & do something... find something you enjoy, or care enough about, that you can use it to overcome your proclivity to isolate. (I've done the therapist thing too & always been less than impressed.) There will be times when you'd rather hide in the closet than go out & do whatever you've decided to do. But you just have to make yourself do it. As my father used to say many years ago, you're not required to like it, you're just required to do it. The only other alternative, as far as I am aware, is to strive to accept things just the way they are, which is where I'm at. I do hope you find the remedy you're looking for though.

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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 02:27 AM
  #5
I could not bring myself to leave my apartment this holiday weekend. My tendency to isolate is getting worse. It was complicated by bad weather and some sciatica pain in my left lower back, hip and thigh. I can't even bring myself to plan a much needed vacation as I both don't like travelling alone as well as forcing myself to be social. The roots of his go all the way back to my childhood and my adult life where I was repeatedly abused for being gay to the point that I am afraid to leave my apartment. The abuse continues when I leave the apartment. No place is safe for me, not even the gay community with its self-destructive ways.
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 11:41 AM
  #6
I'm so sorry you were abused for being gay, LifelongLoner Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope one day you'll be able to get through it. If it can help a bit... I'm here for you. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. Please don't give up. Try to hang on if you can. I think there's still hope. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 06:50 AM
  #7
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I'm so sorry you were abused for being gay, LifelongLoner Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope one day you'll be able to get through it. If it can help a bit... I'm here for you. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. Please don't give up. Try to hang on if you can. I think there's still hope. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you
Unfortunately, T's can't help much; one asked me how I was still alive considering what I've lived through. It's a long story. In a nutshell, I was bullied by my homophobic mother for decades because I was not the son she wanted. She thought that bullying me would make be appear less gay; she was embarrassed by my existence. She achieved that but I seem to have lost myself in the process and incurred other mental damages. She did not like me for other reasons that had nothing to do with me, e.g., revenge for an older brother who she claims was spoiled. (He was 13 years her senior so a lot of the things her parents did to help make her brother grow up to be successful were done before she was born and she was not denied anything. Further, she also had music and dance lessons paid for by her parents so she also received the same treatment to help make her successful. My mom seems to have had some personality disorder and was very unhappy because she had 4 sons when her goal was to have a daughter. Her disappointment led to a lot of cruelty for my and my brothers.)
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #8
I'm so sorry to hear that, LifelongLoner You deserved much better treatment than this, and much better parents for sure. I'm so sorry. Just know that we care about you here. We won't judge. I know it's not much, but at least it's something. Think of PC as a little island where you can be yourself. I hope that writing here helps a bit. As I've already said, if there's something that you don't want to share in public, you can vent to me privately. I'll listen to you and won't judge you. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always availabe if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 11:20 PM
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Recluse, is a good word for me, too. I also call myself the hermit. I am sorry, I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I can relate. I avoid mingling with people. I stay in my apartment most of the days, and not by choice. I am unemployed, so, for me it's everyday. I also had a rough childhood by abusive parents, and I think all my social anxiety problems stem from the fact that my father hasn't sparred a chance not to yell and make negative comments about what I said and did. I have many issues to deal with the rest of my life. I hope you can find your way out of this.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 01:06 AM
  #10
It may help to take small steps to get outside. For me my small dog is a great companion and we go on walks which gets us both outside and we get exercise which can help a person feel better. Also a local gym with a pool may help and may water exercises such as water aerobics since LifelongLoner you mention back pain as something you experience sometimes.
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Default Jan 26, 2019 at 01:19 PM
  #11
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It may help to take small steps to get outside. For me my small dog is a great companion and we go on walks which gets us both outside and we get exercise which can help a person feel better. Also a local gym with a pool may help and may water exercises such as water aerobics since LifelongLoner you mention back pain as something you experience sometimes.
Unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs and cats. So having a pet is out of the question.

I joined a gym with a pool but I never go. I save my energy for work. I really don't know how to have fun and always had difficulty making friends. Currently, I don't have any.

I really need to move. I don't like living in a big city and feel out of place. Years ago, I asked therapist after therapist to help me relocate but none even wanted to discuss it. I have no idea where to relocate to. Where I live, people have treated me badly for a long time. I no longer do anything socially. I am intellectual and introverted, and am not a lot of fun.
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Default Jan 27, 2019 at 12:21 AM
  #12
I like to bike in the summer. It's a great way to be outside, and see people without talking to them and without feeling that you are being watched. Besides, I don't feel awkward as when I walk alone, for example. In the winter, though, it's tough. Nothing to do. I just stay at my apartment 24/7.
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Default Jan 27, 2019 at 10:36 AM
  #13
I believe that a large majority of us grow up with a distorted expectation of what life is meant to be like...movies and social media are partly to blame.

But there comes a stage when we must choose to strive forward...use what we have and make the best of it. Finding pastimes that we excel at or would like to excel at is a good place to start. Immersing ourselves in an enjoyable activity will not only get you out and about, but will attract like minded others.

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Default Jan 27, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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I believe that a large majority of us grow up with a distorted expectation of what life is meant to be like...movies and social media are partly to blame.

But there comes a stage when we must choose to strive forward...use what we have and make the best of it. Finding pastimes that we excel at or would like to excel at is a good place to start. Immersing ourselves in an enjoyable activity will not only get you out and about, but will attract like minded others.
I used to be a tennis player. But, I developed chronic elbow and foot injuries. Recently, I tried playing again but I was so stiff and sore afterwards that the enjoyment dissipated quickly. And, I live in a place where tennis is seasonal and expensive and inconvenient. I really need to a better climate and a place where I can have a car.

I will always have difficulty making and keeping friends. Basically, I was raised to be a parental caretaker. As a child I was not allowed to have friends or playmates. I was kept isolated and given advice like "having friends is not necessary." I was raised to be an adult from the start and had no toys to play with and my parents did not spend a lot of time with me either. I was just alone and never learned how to play and did not bond with anyone. Mom was cold; she once told me she did not believe in hugs. She never hugged her kids but she yelled and cursed at us a lot. Further, my inept parents missed the deadline to register me for kindergarten so they put me in first grade instead. My entire education life I was younger than everyone else and the shortest kid in my class who also had a funny name and was gay. I did not fit in. Then, I was sent to an all boys Catholic high school in the hope that would straighten me out. And, also bullied by my mom - her way of trying to alter my sexuality - because she thought I was gay to embarrass her. The result was that I have no school friends from either grade or high school (or college for that matter). Years and years of therapy did not help. I have been bullied on every job that I've had including my current one and suffer from CPSD and heart disease. Lately, I am at my wits end. I think I may have to move out of the USA. There is no place for me here.
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Default Jan 27, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #15
Often we have horrible histories that change who we were meant to become, but with tenacity of purpose and relentless repetition we can change who we will be in our future. Our belief and ideas of ourselves sometimes are so engrained that we become paralysed to change....and this is where it gets hard.

Finding at least one or two positives everyday can often be enough to galvanise our resolve to makes our lives just that little bit better. I do know for certain that looking back can be detrimental...and that laying blame is a fruitless exercise.

I hope that you can find those positives and move forward into a better life...one day at a time LifelongLoner, Even though at times its difficult, you can refuse to be what your past made you.

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Default Jan 31, 2019 at 04:13 AM
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Often we have horrible histories that change who we were meant to become, but with tenacity of purpose and relentless repetition we can change who we will be in our future. Our belief and ideas of ourselves sometimes are so engrained that we become paralysed to change....and this is where it gets hard.

Finding at least one or two positives everyday can often be enough to galvanise our resolve to makes our lives just that little bit better. I do know for certain that looking back can be detrimental...and that laying blame is a fruitless exercise.

I hope that you can find those positives and move forward into a better life...one day at a time LifelongLoner, Even though at times its difficult, you can refuse to be what your past made you.

I lost myself a long time ago. If you asked me what I wanted to be, I could not tell you. Positives in life? Living in this terrible and toxic social, political and environmental disaster that the USA has become? You've got to be kidding me.
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Default Feb 05, 2019 at 12:09 AM
  #17
dear lifelongloner,

i am sorry your mom treated you that way. there is nothing wrong with being gay or introverted but i know it is hard to forget all that happened to you.

i read a book called 'healing your emotional self' by beverly engel and found it very insightful and helpful. she was also abused by her mom. i was emotionally neglected by my mom but i have started to try to heal myself. we all know what we need. since i didn't get it from mom, i am giving it to myself. i look in the mirror and talk to myself. i ask me how my day is going etc you could tell yourself you are a kind person etc. this self-parenting has helped me fill the void little by little. i hope you will try it.

wishing you all the best.
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Default Feb 05, 2019 at 04:35 AM
  #18
I have so many self-help books. I try to read them but get triggered and often upset when doing so. It takes me a very long time to process them. For some reason, I am very slow to process the information and it's often emotionally painful. Sometimes reading self-help books makes me depressed. Some books will get me triggered and upset after only reading a few paragraphs. Consequently, I don't have a good record with them.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. I was having bad dreams - they are a symptom of C-PTSD. So here I am at 4 A.M. after having tossed and turned in bed for an hour. I know that I will get up and go to work tomorrow despite how tired and depressed I am. Work is not going well. People are giving me a hard time. I need the job because I need the health insurance. If I lose it, I will not be able to afford my heart medications. Currently, since I don't tolerate statins, I take an injectable medication that costs $300 per dose. I work hard but people don't like me. It's the story of my life.
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Default Feb 06, 2019 at 05:08 AM
  #19
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I have so many self-help books. I try to read them but get triggered and often upset when doing so. It takes me a very long time to process them. For some reason, I am very slow to process the information and it's often emotionally painful. Sometimes reading self-help books makes me depressed. Some books will get me triggered and upset after only reading a few paragraphs. Consequently, I don't have a good record with them.

I am currently suffering from insomnia. I was having bad dreams - they are a symptom of C-PTSD. So here I am at 4 A.M. after having tossed and turned in bed for an hour. I know that I will get up and go to work tomorrow despite how tired and depressed I am. Work is not going well. People are giving me a hard time. I need the job because I need the health insurance. If I lose it, I will not be able to afford my heart medications. Currently, since I don't tolerate statins, I take an injectable medication that costs $300 per dose. I work hard but people don't like me. It's the story of my life.
don't worry about reading the self-help books then. maybe just try to give yourself what you need. eg like saying hi to yourself or hugging yourself. sounds like an odd thing to do but it couldn't hurt to try. in case this might help, you never know what pain or sadness someone might be going through and a kind gesture from you could mean the world to them. i used to be very insecure about how people felt about me because i did not have a strong base either. i was so empty inside. but i have realized you can't control how others act, i can only control my own actions. so i just try to be nice. sorry, i think i sound like a self-help book... i hope you will be able to get some sleep soon. ((hugs))
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 10:51 AM
  #20
((((((((( hugs )))))))))

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