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Old 02-16-2019, 12:48 PM #11
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Hi, noonereally, and welcome to Psych Central! I can relate to a lot of what you said. One of my parents was narcissistic and I think the other had something like dependent personality disorder. I wasn't supposed to tell anybody bad things about my life either.

I was able to leave home, though--and I've spent years in therapy. I was told not to live very close to my parents.

I hope you'll be back soon, because I think we can be helpful and supportive.

Again, welcome!
thanks. do you think it's possible to get to a point where you're ok without therapy?

and yeah i've heard it's best to stay far away from your parents and not speak to them but at the same time i feel like weird. like i feel bad for my mom and i don't want to never talk to her again. i sort of see her as two different people, in a way. one that;s my poor mom that i want to be nice to, and the other that's evil and ruined my life. have you ever felt like that too about either of your parents? anyway i just gotta figure out a way to get out of here and get away from them...


thanks. i hope my replies are working, i'm not sure how to use this site yet honestly..
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:19 PM #12
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Default Re: Narcasistic abuse still on going

I have bipolar, so I'm going to stay in therapy, but it's more maintenance therapy now, just talking about current things--not much about my parents, since I've dealt with that before.

Yes, I had some feelings of sorrow for how my mother was. She was emotionally neglected and abused as a child. She died a year ago at age 90. My sister and I held her hands by her hospital bed for three hours as she was dying. We sang to her and I told her I loved her and that she was a good mother, since she did the best she could with her issues.

That said, I couldn't allow myself to be emotionally mistreated by her. I kept in touch even when I didn't visit often--but went whenever she was sick, for her birthday, mother's day, etc. She actually learned to be careful about what she said because she knew I would leave if she didn't. (She also had borderline characteristics.)

The main thing is for you to see you don't deserve the abuse and are a decent person who needs to separate from her emotionally. It sounds like you are doing that.
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:33 PM #13
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Default Re: Narcasistic abuse still on going

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hi, this is my first post on this site, i'm just gonna type a bit about my problem and see what anybody has to say.


i guess to start from the beginning, i am the middle child between two other siblings. growing up i was always the one that didn't really matter. i would do so much for my family, like chores and helping everyone out. but no matter what i always came last when to anyone looking out for me. my older sibling really bullied me and teased me. i felt like she used me and humiliating me as her way of getting the attention she needed, with no regard for me or how it affected me. my parents never did anything about this when i would go to them crying.
my relationship with my parents was pretty weird and hard to explain. i could never understand it or put it into words for any of the therapists i've seen since back then. they would use me, trick me into feeling guilty or feeling bad, manipulate me, and train me to believe if i ever made them sound bad or essentially spoke about what was really going on, i would be betraying them. it wasn't until just this past year that i realized that (i think) this was narcissistic abuse. i'm still a bit confused on this because while one of my parents fits the description of a narcissist 100%, the other parent who doesn't seem like it all was the main manipulator for me.

i always felt liek there was no reasoning with them. they didn't understand emotions. they would tell me "my thoughts" and honestly believe they knew what i was thinking even though they were never even close.
anyway i basically grew up with no friends. they made me feel like talking to kids at school was wrong. the one time i sort of had a friend in 5th grade, my teacher told them about her at parent teacher conference and they came home and teased me about it so i never talked to her again. stuff like that.
i had a very lonely childhood and things continued that way all through highschool and college. in highschool i started to get really sick but doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. it was basically the build up of stress i'd been carrying around all these years that started to destroy my body. anyway i suffered without knowing the cause all through high school. dreading each day, i went to school, came home and sat in front of the tv or went on the computer until bed time. same with college. i missed out on all normal stages of teenage years and everything.

it wasn't until my last year of college that i finally started seeing a doctor that could begin helping me get on the right track for the treatment i needed for my health issues. while finishing school and being so sick, i basically spent all my free time traveling to doctors. my mom still basically controlled my life but i was too sick and too unaware of all i was missing because i had some really ****ed up ideas about how my life was meant to be miserable because i still didnt understand everything.

anyway it's been quite a few years since college. i've since had a few jobs but i have been having really bad luck with them (them not paying me or taking advantage of me probably bc i was raised to believe i am worthless and owe everything to everyone). i almost have my health back now but not fully yet. i'm nearing my late 20s but because of everything and all this time wasted with everything going on and having spent my whole entire life alone and away from people i really do have trouble getting hired and talking to people(anxiety). i still live with my parents though i do not speak to one of them anymore (because of sexual assault during childhood i didn't mention above but i've had that from quite a few oher family members as well). i am just feeling really stuck though. as long as i still live under their roof i still feel like i'm being controlled. i am scared to answer my phone or call people back for jobs and etc unless nobodys home. i'm scared to go out because leaving the house while they're home is so difficult and the whole time i just worry about being able to get back in. i'm not living in a very healthy situation and that also has a strong effect on my health.


i know this post is all over, it's late and i'm tired and having a hard time summarizing everything when there's just so much. i left a lot of things out but to summarize i had a really ****ed up childhood and it took over 24 years for me to start to realize all the issues my parents caused and i'm still working on them but there's no way to be free from them while i'm living here but i'm having a really hard time getting away from them because of all the issues they caused me. i'm trapped in a cycle, the same cycle for years and i'm really struggling to break out of it. and i'm scared and i don't even have any idea what to do with my life even if i did get out bc it seems so lonely and i'm not passionate about anything or motivated. i'm scared and broken and trapped.


this post is a mess, i know it. thank u to anyone who reads it.


Girl I am 23 and when I tell you we are in the same boat! I literally just found out my mom was a narcissist as well. Anyways what I want to tell you is that You are not a failure. Sometimes I feel that way too! Like Im a failure cause last year I dropped out of college due to attempting suicide and etc. But I realize that was a mistake because it put me in the hands of my narcissistic mother all the way. I feel trapped like you Im applying to a lot of jobs like you and Im trying to gain my independence so I can find happiness. I know you probably feel down and like a failure I often feel that way but you finished school keep your head up! Youre doing great. I feel the same way when it comes to answering job phone calls but I wld say go to therapy I know I shld take my own advice but I dont have Health insurance. Go to therapy find a job. Try to keep in mind the longer you stay at home the longer your mom has control over you.
I wld say try something new each week. Make a list of hobbies and try something new each week. Until you find something that you are passionate about. Also what did you like to do a lot as a child? Usually our passions come to us when were little well sometimes. I just want you to know youre not alone and YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU SHALL PREVAIL! It gets hard though because I was raised by a narcissistic mother so i can relate. I hope and pray you find peace and happiness an your passion. Hugs
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Old 02-16-2019, 06:41 PM #14
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i've tried therapy a bunch of times but i've had horrible luck. i have insurance right now but that's only because i'm not working, if i get a job and make over a certain amount i lose the insurance i have.
anyway a few years because i was going to this therapist who was supposedly really good (and really expensive). she basically told me that because of the way i was people were going to take advantage of me. i tried really hard to do the stuff she told me but she honestly treated me with little respect and took advantage of me herself. she lied to me about when she had availability for me to make appointments, i could tell she didn't like me, and the last time i went to her before i decided to not put up with this anymore, she tried to make me give her my phone and had a fit that i "didn't trust her enough". she even said something like "you don't let people see you're phone? what does your mom think about this?" which really pissed me off because it's like she was manipulating me the same way they do and using them to do it. i've just had a really hard time trusting therapists since then. i've tried a few others since that but i don't feel like im getting help from them and i don't feel like they understand. and i don't want to waste money

Sorry you went through that. You should have reported her. There are still some good therapists out there you just have to find one. I believe you will find a good one dear.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:08 PM #15
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I have bipolar, so I'm going to stay in therapy, but it's more maintenance therapy now, just talking about current things--not much about my parents, since I've dealt with that before.

Yes, I had some feelings of sorrow for how my mother was. She was emotionally neglected and abused as a child. She died a year ago at age 90. My sister and I held her hands by her hospital bed for three hours as she was dying. We sang to her and I told her I loved her and that she was a good mother, since she did the best she could with her issues.

That said, I couldn't allow myself to be emotionally mistreated by her. I kept in touch even when I didn't visit often--but went whenever she was sick, for her birthday, mother's day, etc. She actually learned to be careful about what she said because she knew I would leave if she didn't. (She also had borderline characteristics.)

The main thing is for you to see you don't deserve the abuse and are a decent person who needs to separate from her emotionally. It sounds like you are doing that.
oh, i'm sorry to hear that about your mother. it's nice that you were able to put everything aside and be there for those times.

it's hard for me i guess because i don't think she's currently manipulating/abusing me and stuff but i still feel the lasting effects. like i just feel like i can't be myself even just when coming from the same house she's in. i can't walk past her to leave the house and then feel fine and capable once im outside because i just came from the same place as her. it's like a way that she always made me feel, just worthless and terrible and incapable. and those feelings only go away when she does, even though it's not like she's still actively doing stuff to make them worse, as far as i know. that's a big part of why it's so hard for me to get away. it creates a cycle. i can't get awayy from her without doing things that i can't do while she's there. (like go to interviews and get a job, and even if i did get one, i can't perform well when i am coming from there and returning to there at the end of the day.) i hope that makes sense
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:16 PM #16
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Girl I am 23 and when I tell you we are in the same boat! I literally just found out my mom was a narcissist as well. Anyways what I want to tell you is that You are not a failure. Sometimes I feel that way too! Like Im a failure cause last year I dropped out of college due to attempting suicide and etc. But I realize that was a mistake because it put me in the hands of my narcissistic mother all the way. I feel trapped like you Im applying to a lot of jobs like you and Im trying to gain my independence so I can find happiness. I know you probably feel down and like a failure I often feel that way but you finished school keep your head up! Youre doing great. I feel the same way when it comes to answering job phone calls but I wld say go to therapy I know I shld take my own advice but I dont have Health insurance. Go to therapy find a job. Try to keep in mind the longer you stay at home the longer your mom has control over you.
I wld say try something new each week. Make a list of hobbies and try something new each week. Until you find something that you are passionate about. Also what did you like to do a lot as a child? Usually our passions come to us when were little well sometimes. I just want you to know youre not alone and YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU SHALL PREVAIL! It gets hard though because I was raised by a narcissistic mother so i can relate. I hope and pray you find peace and happiness an your passion. Hugs
were you allowed out and to have friends as a kid? i just wonder if anybody else has these same feelings and etc caused by it. for me that's what adds to the trapped feeling, they kinda like forced me into isolation and i get buried deeper and deeper and it feels so impossible. anyway sorry that you're in the same boat. i know it sucks a lot. if anything, you're lucky you realized this now. when i was 23 i still had no idea how manipulated i had been or that i was still in it.

anyway therapy and job arent that simple. i've had jobs before but they honestly cheated me out of a lot of money and i think its because of my personality that just says "i'm weak please take advantage and walk all over me" because of the way they treated me growing up. and i typed to someone else above how most of my tries with therapy have gone.


i have things that i like doing now. im rly into art and sculpting but its stuff i do alone in my room and it doesn't really help me. that's not going to help me with a career or anythhing probably. when i was a kid i didn't really have any hobbies because i wasn't allowed to do much. i had a very active imagination. i was often alone and having to entertain myself, like by making things up in my head and etc. anyway thank you. same to you, i wish you luck as well. we'll both figure it out and get through it somehow.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:20 PM #17
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Sorry you went through that. You should have reported her. There are still some good therapists out there you just have to find one. I believe you will find a good one dear.
yeah i should have. i didn't know how/where. i did write a bad review on her and i think she knew it was me because like a month later she left me a voicemail telling me she had to talk to me because the insurance company contacted her and she had a question for me. the thing is she didn't accept my insurance so i knew they definitely did not contact her. i ignored the voicemail and she sent me an email subjected "trying to reach you" i ignored that too. the more i think about this the more i think she really was crazy
anyway i've tried two other therapists since then and they really did not help me at all. going there kind of made me feel a lot worse because the further back i go into everything that's happened the more depressed i get. i honestly hate therapy and i'm hoping there's a way i can get to a point where i'm all right without it.
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Old 02-16-2019, 09:04 PM #18
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Default Re: Narcasistic abuse still on going

noonereally, do you feel like your mom really doesn't want you to become independent?
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Old 02-16-2019, 09:22 PM #19
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noonereally, do you feel like your mom really doesn't want you to become independent?
i can't tell tbh. i have tried to explain to her about all the stuff she's done to me and how she's made it impossible for me to become anything and she gets really sad (or at least seems sad) about it. and during those times i feel like she genuinely didn't mean for things to go the way they have, just that she's really unaware and stupid kind of. but then when she is trying to manipulate or mess things up for me i just feel like she is 100% evil and knows what she's doing. but the times she feels bad about it it seems so genuine so i'm confused. she tries to help though, like she's trying to help me find an apartment and cosign for me since i don't have a job rn (unless that's a trick/lie). so it's the weirdest thing. but like at the same time, if i go somewhere with her in public she loves to act like i am so stupid and incompetent and need her help to any strangers she talks to. i think she just likes the idea of being needed so making me need her is good for her but at the same time she feels bad ?
but then she also completely forgets about everything i've explained to her about my past and i ask her if she honestly thinks she was a good parent to me and she answers that she thinks she was a decent one.

it's really hard for me to tell.


and she isnt even the one i am sure is the narcissist. it's my dad that is. i don't talk to him anymore even tho he lives here, i am never in the same room as him except for holidays but i don't speak to him at all. i don't even speak in front of him bc i dont want him to know anything about me now. but as a child, yeah he definitely treated us all like we weren't people, we were just objects there for his use and his amusement. though i've heard from my siblings he's mellowed out now and is just a sad old man.
but maybe my mom is a good person, she just got mixed up in his behavior, maybe she was even manipulated too and thats why she can't understand all the pain and issues she's caused me.
i have no clue, it's really hard for me to understand.

sorry for typing so much, it's like once i start there's just so much.
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Old 02-17-2019, 04:35 AM #20
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anyway therapy and job arent that simple. i've had jobs before but they honestly cheated me out of a lot of money and i think its because of my personality
It may not be your fault. There are some really bad jobs/employers out there--I am always very leery of employers who pay by commission only. With time, you will get good about recognizing which ones to stay away from. Eventually/hopefully, you will find a good job. Keep looking.

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i can't tell tbh. i have tried to explain to her about all the stuff she's done to me and how she's made it impossible for me to become anything and she gets really sad (or at least seems sad) about it. and during those times i feel like she genuinely didn't mean for things to go the way they have, just that she's really unaware and stupid kind of. but then when she is trying to manipulate or mess things up for me i just feel like she is 100% evil and knows what she's doing. but the times she feels bad about it it seems so genuine so i'm confused. she tries to help though, like she's trying to help me find an apartment and cosign for me since i don't have a job rn (unless that's a trick/lie). so it's the weirdest thing. but like at the same time, if i go somewhere with her in public she loves to act like i am so stupid and incompetent and need her help to any strangers she talks to. i think she just likes the idea of being needed so making me need her is good for her but at the same time she feels bad ?
but then she also completely forgets about everything i've explained to her about my past and i ask her if she honestly thinks she was a good parent to me and she answers that she thinks she was a decent one.

it's really hard for me to tell.


and she isnt even the one i am sure is the narcissist. it's my dad that is. i don't talk to him anymore even tho he lives here, i am never in the same room as him except for holidays but i don't speak to him at all. i don't even speak in front of him bc i dont want him to know anything about me now. but as a child, yeah he definitely treated us all like we weren't people, we were just objects there for his use and his amusement. though i've heard from my siblings he's mellowed out now and is just a sad old man.
but maybe my mom is a good person, she just got mixed up in his behavior, maybe she was even manipulated too and thats why she can't understand all the pain and issues she's caused me.
i have no clue, it's really hard for me to understand.

sorry for typing so much, it's like once i start there's just so much.
Parents make a lot of mistakes. It sounds like your mom is struggling too (which is not your problem, just keep that in mind on the days she causes problems). Don't hesistate to take any of the help she offers. If she cosigns on an apartment for you--this is a loving act which will help you move on/become more independent. With time, I think that having your own place will enable you to have more perspective on the situation with your parents (I am not say they are good or bad--only that you need time and distance to put it all behind you). Hugs.
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